guilty 16 Aug 2019 9:06 AM (5 years ago)

I feel guilty. Toward myself, mother and God. Taking the things I have now for granted. God bestows me with good looks, healthy body, loving mother and problems that I could handle. I don't use my looks that attracted many women to find one that love me for who I am. I don't spend enough time with my mother while she is still healthy now. I don't handle my not so bad problems with my mind.

TIRED... 16 Aug 2019 9:04 AM (5 years ago)

Tired. Yes, after a long time resting from writing any post in the blog. The title is TIRED. What am I tired of?? A lot of things actually... A LOT. Too much a burden for me to handle. My depression is getting worse and my financial status does not look good too. Nothing about me is good now.

One of the thing I am tired off is taking care of other people shits. Well not really other people. Those other people are related to me by blood. I don't know how to start writing what I am tired off but I need to write all my troubles here to ease the pain I'm feeling. Please mind my grammar here. I don't care about grammar here. I am not writing a research or a book to be published. I am writing for my own sake.

Okay. I have to start somewhere. Hmmmmmm I'll just start whatever comes to my mind now. Nothing in chronological order. Not like anyone is reading this blog anyway. hahahahahhahahaha and that's the truth!!!! hahahaahahahhahha...

There are many people living with me now. my brother, his wife and their little kid. A four year old. My sister and 4 of her children and my mother who has always been living with me. I love my family, don't get me wong but sometimes I just want a little bit of privacy. I know it sounds selfish of me but I am a bit tired of taking care of my nephews and nieces. They take a lot of my times, energy and money too... hahahaha yes money, They just don't reallise they are poor but been living like the rich. They want Starbucks, movies, dining at fancy restaurants and eats like kings with my money. They enjoy themselves with my money and I am broke. hahahahaha sound petty. I am a bit petty sometimes. I loathed myself for writing this. I shouldnt write this kind of thing. I just want to stop now. I hate having these kind of thought. I don't always have these kind of thoughts. I am accessing my inner darkness. hmmmmmmm bye.

Hmmmmm harap diri sendiri je la 30 Jul 2019 11:16 AM (5 years ago)

Dh lame xformat pc.... hantar kedai, hantar kat kawan semua lepas format je ade rase xcukup, xpuas hati... xleh install apps la driver la... last2 buat sendiri baru puas hati... rugi je bayar kt org lain. Buat memain je....buat sendiri baru puas hati...cuma membazir masa je la...

Depression is killing me. Help me. 18 Jul 2018 9:47 AM (6 years ago)

Depression. I know I'm depressed but I don't know how to ask for help. My voice is unheard off. People keeps treating me the same. I moved to new workplace. Not because I hate the old workplace but I want to start a new but the same feeling crept out of its cave and sit in the throne of my mind. Everything in a mess. Figuratively and literally. My room is a mess and I just don't clean it. My mind is in a mess and I can't clean it. Please, if someone read this blog and actually know me in real life. Don't mention anything what you read here. Your so called pity or judgement just going to make it worst. Nobody reads this blog anymore and I know it. I haven't post anything for a long time. At least nothing good. I'm writing now just to let things out of my chest. I hope that no matter what state of mind I'm in, it won't affect my relationship with my mother. I hope she is happy. Always happy. I don't want to worry her. I'm still standing because I need to be strong for my mother. Let me be miserable but God please let her be happy. I will hide this depression and show my grateful happy face in front of her... God, please help me. Please give me the courage, strength and patient to face all my trouble. God, please show me the way to get rid of all my problem. Help me with my debt, health and the sound of mind... let me always be calm...

Forgive and forget 26 Jun 2018 11:15 PM (6 years ago)

I tend to forgive and forget.
Sometimes I forgive before I forget.
Usually I forgot what I have forgiven.
Seldom forgive to forget.
Rarely have to forget to forgive.
Never I forgoten to forgive.

Move on... New workplace. 12 Jun 2018 11:01 AM (6 years ago)

I applied for transfer and it was approved. I love my co-workers but I need to change for me. I am stuck at the age of 21 for 13 years... need to be in new skin... act my age... be a better man. I know people would say I could do all that in the same place but it is hard when everybody knows you like what you are and tend to treat you the same... I want to change. The new workplace could be better or worse than now but that is secondary... first I need to be better no matter what kind of challenges awaits me in the new workplace.

Average in every way 7 Jun 2018 11:24 AM (6 years ago)

Looks. Average.
Height. Average.
Weight. Average.
Health. Average.
Strengths. Average.
Wealth. Average.
Dreams. Average.
Love. Average.
Temper. Average.
Tolerances. Average.
Kindness. Average.
Empathy. Average.
Mind. Average.
Soul. Average.
Masculinity. Average.

Average in all aspects. Anyone needs this average man???

Negative vibes 12 Feb 2018 6:58 AM (7 years ago)

I must be evil or something. I felt envy in my heart every time I scroll down instagram. I see happiness, success, warmth, wealth, health, family, joy, togetherness, adventures, laughter, smiles, appreciation and many positive attributes that made me feel like I achieved nothing of them...

I know love... 15 Jan 2018 10:52 PM (7 years ago)

I know love. It is a torture.
I know love. It is cruel.
I know love. It is demanding.
I know love. It is a burden.
I know love but love don't know me.

Love don't stick with me.
Love always leave me.
Love don't give me a chance.
Love just don't love me.

Legacy 15 Jan 2018 8:10 AM (7 years ago)

What will be my legacy if I die tomorrow?

No deeds to remember by.

No wealth left behind.

No knowledge written.

No success to be proud off.

I will be just like a breeze. Blowing softly and forgotten.

Nobody 15 Jan 2018 7:53 AM (7 years ago)

I'm Mr.Nobody.
Have nothing to offer.
I don't have good looks that you can adore.
No muscular body you can touch.
My hair is balding.
Pot belly is showing.
Smoke cigarettes non-stop.
Not the slightest romantic.
No brain. An idiot with ego showing like I know everything.
No wealth and have debts.
Not handy for carpentry or any house maintenance.
Ugly handwriting.
A coward.
Too laidback.
Not pious enough to lead you to heaven.
Don't know how to play any music instruments.
Can't sing to a tempo.
No fashion sense.
I don't exercise regularly.
Not good in any sports.
Don't read anything good anymore.
Foul mouth.
Lazy.
Can't cook a proper meal.
Can't dance.
Like to sleep but not at the right time.
Cheapskate but sometimes a shopaholic.
Hmmmmm.....
I'm not Mr.Nobody. I'm Mr.Terrible.

What is the price of happiness??? 21 Oct 2017 9:26 AM (7 years ago)

I.... am easily satisfied with what I have and achieved even when to you it looked like nothing. I don't care how much money you made in your life or what kind of car you drive. I drive a simple and cheap car and I am satisfy with the car. I don't envy other people with better, bigger, faster and more expensive cars. I'll buy what I can afford and I will be satisfy with it....

mannnnnnnn.... why did I suddenly have the urge to write after a lonnnnnng time????? well, because I felt discontent by people around me.

I bought a watch recently and I like it. It is not very expensive but to my standard of living, it is quite a sum of saving. People kept asking the price when they saw the watch and I would just say... Ohhh not that much or expensive and then they will relate to their friend's watch or somebody else they know... "ohhhh my friend bought a 20K watch.... Oh My friend have a Rolex.... oh. Those people you talk about can afford the expensive watches and good for them... why do you want to compare them to me... I'm not in the same league with your rich friends... Can't you just say..." Oh that is a nice watch.".... why everything needs to be compare..???...oh and those expensive watches are your friend's not you...you can't afford those watches yourselves too..... and I don't give a damn about your friends luxurious life...

Oh my.... I am rambling like stupid here. wellllll, nobody reads this blog so what the HELL should I care !!!!.... hahahahahhhahah

New chapter in my life 4 Sep 2017 6:00 AM (7 years ago)

I've decided to continue my study at UPSI. This will be my third sem but I need to repeat 2 papers I failed last sem. I did terrible last sem and there were many things I blamed on for all the faillure but in the end it s me who determined the success or failure of my life. I PROMISE to do better this semester. I wantnto get as many A's as I can get.... before my target was only to pass all the subjects but now my target is to get the best I can.

Surrender 16 May 2017 10:43 PM (7 years ago)

Just want to give up. Tired of all the fuss. I want to be free of responsibility. I just want to live for me and not others.

Sleeplessness all year round 26 Jan 2017 9:15 AM (8 years ago)

I forsaken God but God haven't forsaken me. I am a sinner. Repeatedly over and over again but I still feel the grace of God. I am grateful and have the urge to change my way of life. I have been postponing the remake of me for so long... I do want to change but I always find reasons to postpone the changes.

Duty and honour 5 Jul 2015 9:22 AM (9 years ago)

Oh please let me sleep tonight. I want to be wide awake tomorrow at day. Let me be free of the web entangling me from my duty as a human.

Normal and grumpy 5 Jul 2015 9:17 AM (9 years ago)

Nights and days pass like normal. It is I who is not normal. Sleeping all days and at nights my eyes are wide awake. If I am a vampire or some sort of a supernatural being then this might be normal. I possess all the human weaknesses and neither of the strengths nor do I have any inhuman power as well. I am just a man who is always grumpy...

Days and nights 2 Jul 2015 10:25 AM (9 years ago)

Every time I'm in my bed I would hope that tomorrow I'll be a better man.

When I wake up... I would be just the same and postponed the change for tomorrow... that night I would regret it and hope to be a better man next morning. Its a never ending cycle for years now...

Lost in the middle of nowhere 1 Jul 2015 11:13 AM (9 years ago)

I can't believe that I would be lost in this age. I used to know who I was and where I wanted to go. I knew what I wanted and how I could achieve my goals... Now, I'm lost... I have to start all over again. Start my life again and I hope I'm in the righteous road. I stumbled on too many obstacles in my journey before that I felt it was easier to lay down and just do nothing. Waiting for whatever may come...

Sahur pertama Ramadhan ini.... 17 Jun 2015 12:21 PM (9 years ago)

Mungkin terlebih "excited" sampai langsung xtido menunggu waktu nak sahur. Xtau la mcm mane nti kat tmpt koje... rasenye boleh tahan mengantuk nanti tp kesannye bile sampai rumah dri koje mesti ter...diulangi ter-tido sampai la magrib nak berbuka....akan ku cuba untuk tidak terlajak tido... oh mak xbangun lagi....lupe nk kunci kan jam mak td...nak kejut mcm xsampai ati...uhhh tp kalo xkejut lagi la macam salah....nanti la kul 5pagi baru kejut.... tahun2 sebelum ni mak slalu suh kunci jam pukul 4.30 pagi....awal2 pagi tu macam2 la plak dier masak...sian....penat plak dier nanti...nak tolong masak hmmmm aku masak air bleh laaaaa.... patutnye beli roti semalam...bleh makan ngan kari semalam...sedapppppp kari perangat balik...huhu....mcm over sharing plak aku kali ni....ohhh lantakkan...kenkadang tulis merapu ikut suke ni la yang dapat tenangkan fikiran dan dapat fikir dengan lebih baik...luahan perasaan...

update.
nampak macam lampu ruang dah terbuka...mak bangun sebelum sempat nak kejut....

Stop smoking, start vaping 2 Jun 2015 10:00 PM (9 years ago)

I been smoking for fifteen years now and I'm sick of it. I tried to quit for quite sometimes now but the habit is hard to kick. I tried vaping two years ago but uhhh the nicotine is not enough to stop smoking. I quit vaping faster than I thought... now I'm trying again but with bigger better vape... The taste of the liquid is tastier and the clouds of vapour is thicker... hope I could quit smoking this time... ohh the troubled with vaping is the maintenance... need to rebuild and recoiled the atomizer... I'm getting the hand of it now...

Hope I would be able to quit smoking this time...

eligible 4 Apr 2015 6:59 AM (10 years ago)

32 years old and single. Oh and according to my colleaques I am the catch... oh and many of them want to match me with their daughters,sisters and cousins. Thay all think that I am the most eligible bachelor but they can't be more wrong than they are now....

I don't have the wealth and I think my health is deteriorate too...

Not choosy but not chosen. 25 Dec 2014 2:47 PM (10 years ago)

There are so many things in my mind right now but I don't know how to write them all in here.They are jumbled up like thousand pieces of jigsaw puzzle and I can't even identify the first piece on the board. All the pieces look familiar yet I can't recognised even a piece of it. Like always it sounds gibberish that even I cannot fathom what I'm writing right now. I never planned anything I write here, it just comes out from my mind through my dancing fingers on the keyboard.

Ohhhh I'm trying to narrow down what I'm writing now but it seems that my brain is malfunction and I can't come out with a topic at all. All this may be due to lack of sleep. I can't sleep since yesterday and I don't even know why do these two eyelids cannot glued themselves together and let me have my peace in the dreamland.

Should I stop now?... I still can't sleep if I stop now so I think I should just keep going until my face slammed on the keyboard and drools all over it. I'm going to write randomly now and pardon me if you by mistake came across this blog and read it till this full stop. Maybe, it's time for you to go on with your life and look at other blogs or something. Don't waste your time here. you won't find anything of interest or benefit you.

If you are still reading this than please forgive me for wasting your time........now..... the topic I wrote up there was actually about my miserable life of being a bachelor. YUP! a bachelor. I never think about it too much but people around me keep bothering me with the million dollar questions. I hate that question.....I hate it because I do not have an honest answer. Not that I am not honest but I just don't have the answer that they expected me to give... I had to make excuses or reasons or say something stupid or funny to answer them but the truth is, I don't have the answer... Oh please, stop....just don't ask cruel questions anymore...yesssssssssssssssssssss CRUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!..... you who asked that question is CRUEL!!!!!!!!!!......Ohhhhhhh and after the questions there would usually be some kind of stupid advices too. It's the same as asking a married couple who have not been blessed with children;

When are going to have children?

Don't you want to have children?

Don't you like little kids?

What are waiting for?

Are you sick?

then advice them...

Don't wait too long.

you are not getting any younger.

You should try harder.

You should see a doctor.

You should get a treatment.

Oh. I'm off the topic again.

hmmmmmmmmmmm I am suddenly tired and ahhhh I should try to sleep now...it's drizzling outside and it's cold...just don't want to write anymore.... Oh. Sorry if you read this rubbish.

P/S.....what a looser...

It seems like my eyes are still stubborn. Oh yeah I want to continue with the questions... The questions are;

Why are you not married yet?

Don't you want to get married?

Are you too choosy?

When are you going to get married?

Are you engaged yet?

Did you forgot to invite me to your wedding?

Where is the card?

Blablablablablablablablablablablablablabla............... I can't go on.....bye.... ZzzzzzzZ...

And still awake...huh...

oh my... more than 36hours awake..... am I going bonkers???? ....ok...cool down..... rilex.... chill... I'm chillin... breath... hu.....hu....hu..... k.bye.

Remove the security tag 24 Jul 2014 8:56 AM (10 years ago)

Eidul Fitri is in just 3 days now. I bought two "sampin" at Mydin and found out that the cashier forgot to remove the security tag. The mall is 25KM from my house. I won't drive there just to remove the tag. I thought my "sampin" would be ruin if I take the tag off by force. "sampin" is very delicate. Luckily there were tips in the youtube on how to remove the tag. Everything is in youtube nowadays.

My first post in Ramadhan 28 Jun 2014 2:18 PM (10 years ago)

People always make resolution before new year eve. So do I but my new year resolution had always been bogus.

This Ramadhan I made a resolution and I intend to keep it. Ramadhan is the best time for me. Oh I wont resolute on petty things but on changes that could be the map routes to the future of a better me. An upgraded me.

aerial life View RSS