Trump hides in bunker after losing tariff dogfight to China 12 Apr 1:02 PM (5 days ago)
Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a shocking twist befitting the plot of a political sitcom, United States (US) President Donald J. Trump has reportedly locked himself in a gilded bunker underneath his Florida resort after a humiliating defeat in the long-hyped "Tariff Showdown" with China. According to aides, the bunker is equipped with gold-plated Diet Coke dispensers, six screens broadcasting Fox News on a loop, and a surprisingly robust Wi-Fi signal—presumably to keep his Truth Social rants alive.
The showdown, which Trump had long billed as “the liberation day” ended not with a bang, but with a quiet exemption: U.S. electronics—iPhones, laptops, and other precious gadgets—were discreetly spared from the latest round of tariffs. A subtle white flag disguised as economic strategy.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
“It was a masterclass in negotiation,” Trump reportedly mumbled through a reinforced door. “I let them win. Xi needed a victory. I’m a gracious guy.”
This retreat comes after weeks of Trump theatrically posturing against Chinese imports, boasting about his economic “kung fu,” and daring President Xi Jinping to call him and beg to renegotiate to offset trade deficit with China. “He knows my number,” Trump said last month. “He’ll come running… begging to renegotiate a deal. I’m very busy, but I might answer. Maybe. Depends on how the ratings are.”
Xi, in a bold act of unbothered diplomacy, did not call.
Instead, China launched their own tariffs in return—targeting U.S. agricultural goods, energy exports, and something no American ever thought sacred: Harley-Davidsons. The response hit rural American industries so hard that even Republican senators began peeking nervously over their MAGA hats, wondering if this "stable genius" had finally driven the economy off a cliff and into a gold-plated swamp.
But while Trump was front and center for the tariff announcements—standing tall, flanked by steelworkers, American flags, and awkwardly clapping interns—he was suspiciously absent when it came time to roll back those same tariffs. The exemptions and concessions were quietly released in a 6 p.m. press bulletin from the U.S. Customs Department on a Friday, otherwise known as the “government version of sweeping it under the rug.” No press conference. No tweets. Not even a cardboard cutout of Trump giving a thumbs-up.
“It’s almost as if he wanted credit for the fire, but disappeared during the clean-up,” said one former trade advisor. “The guy practically held parades for the tariff hikes. Now he’s in hiding while someone else takes out the trash.”
And the reason? Apple lobbyists had started sweating. American retailers were bracing for a techpocalypse. And worst of all, Melania allegedly threatened to defect to Slovenia if her next phone upgrade was delayed.
In an abrupt U-turn so sharp it caused whiplash at the Commerce Department, Trump ordered electronics to be exempted. In public, he framed it as a “strategic pause,” but leaked memos reveal a more honest rationale: “The people want iPhones. I want reelection. Xi has weird patience. Let’s just say I won this one and move on.”
Chinese state media, in a rare moment of unfiltered glee, released a short animated video showing a tiny Trump doll being flicked off a trade war map by a serene-looking Xi, sipping tea and reading The Art of War.
Economists are now left sorting through the wreckage of this tariff Titanic, wondering aloud how long it’ll take before Trump resurfaces with a new plan—likely involving tariffs on Canadian maple syrup or Icelandic air. Meanwhile, bunker staff say he’s currently revising his 2025 economic strategy with a Magic 8-Ball and a set of Monopoly cards.
“Tariffs are still great,” Trump tweeted late last night, “but electronics are greater. You have to be flexible. That’s what leaders do. Also, Xi has tiny hands.”
As the sun sets over Mar-a-Lago, one can only imagine the sound of bunker doors clanging shut, muffled echoes of “I didn’t lose, I pivoted,” and aides quietly placing another framed Time cover above the Diet Coke fridge.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Too bitter: Marine Le Pen can't handle taste of own medicine 9 Apr 10:26 AM (9 days ago)
Paris, France – French far-right leader Marine Le Pen was reportedly rushed to a private clinic this morning after suffering a violent allergic reaction to the consequences of her own moral standards.
The incident occurred just hours after a court delivered a stunning verdict: Le Pen, convicted on charges of misuse of public funds, was officially disqualified from running in the next French presidential election. In a tragic twist of poetic justice, the woman who spent decades demanding that “corrupt politicians be banned from office” found herself… well, banned from office.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Witnesses describe a scene of high drama as Le Pen read the verdict, froze, and shrieked, “Mais c’est une injustice! This is not what I meant when I said corruption should be punished!” She reportedly collapsed into her throne-shaped office chair—handcrafted from resentment and gently upholstered with the tricolor—and began hyperventilating into a tricolor scarf.
Paramedics described her condition upon arrival as “critically hypocritical.”
“She showed all the classic symptoms,” said Dr. Jean-Paul Satire, Head of the Department of Political Irony at Hôpital Hypocrisie. “Sweating, selective memory loss, and uncontrollable shrieking about ‘leftist conspiracies’—all triggered by an encounter with the very legal principles she demanded be used on her opponents.”
Medical staff say she was treated with a high dose of perspective and a bitter pill labeled “accountability,” though she kept trying to spit it out while yelling, “This tastes like socialism!”
Political opponents were quick to respond. “It’s a textbook case of self-prescribed justice boomeranging back,” said one centrist MP. “She spent years asking for corrupt politicians to be thrown out of the system. Now the system is simply doing what she asked, and she’s acting like someone just banned croissants.”
Social media exploded with the hashtag #TooBitter, featuring memes of Le Pen being served her own policies on a silver platter, garnished with irony and a sprig of poetic justice. One viral video dubbed her courtroom reaction with her own 2017 campaign ad calling for the “moral purification of public life.” Commenters noted: “Ask and ye shall receive.”
In a press conference from her recovery suite, Le Pen called the ruling “a political witch hunt orchestrated by globalists, elitists, and possibly the ghost of Voltaire.” When reminded that she once said, “Anyone convicted of financial misconduct should be permanently barred from public office,” she responded, “Yes, but that was meant for other people. You know—the corrupt ones.”
Analysts say this moment could mark a turning point for France’s far-right movement—or at least a very entertaining season finale.
“She’s finally realized what the rest of us knew all along,” said one political scientist. “Justice tastes bitter when you’re not the one serving it.”
Le Pen is expected to appeal both the court decision and the laws of irony, but legal experts say the latter rarely reverses itself.
Context:
Developing story. Side effects of hypocrisy may include nausea, public backlash, and career implosion. Ask your conscience if justice is right for you.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Putin ready for peace, without an inch of compromise 8 Apr 11:42 AM (10 days ago)
Moscow — In a groundbreaking move toward global tranquility, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced he is “fully ready for peace,” provided that Ukraine, NATO, and the entire Western hemisphere agree to his terms without debate, hesitation, or even eye contact.
“Russia has always stood for peace,” Putin said at a press briefing, flanked by fifteen stone-faced generals and a map of Europe that quietly labeled Poland as "Potential Russia." “We want peace so badly, we’re willing to use force to make it happen.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
According to the Kremlin, Putin’s Peace Proposal™ includes the following non-negotiable demands:
Ukraine must immediately demilitarize, de-Westernize, de-frost any NATO ambitions, and also send a handwritten apology letter.
All sanctions on Russia must be lifted, and reparations paid for the emotional damage caused by mean international headlines.
Russia gets to keep any territory where at least one babushka once said “Soviet Union wasn’t so bad.”
Everyone has to pretend Crimea was always Russian, like that weird cousin who just moved into your house and now claims he owns it.
“We’re the Real Victims Here,” Says Invading Power
Putin lamented that Russia has been “forced” into its aggressive posture by Western provocation, such as Ukraine continuing to exist, NATO refusing to disband, and Europe persistently refusing to speak fluent Russian.
“We were just sitting there, peacefully annexing things,” said Kremlin spokesperson Ivana Denyit, “when suddenly the West started acting like it’s a problem.”
International Response: Nervous Applause and Diplomatic Eye Twitching
World leaders have responded with cautious optimism and significant alcohol. United States President Donald Trump, also known as his bestie, said it’s a historic day that Putin has declared himself ready for peace.
“He’s ready for peace like nobody else is ready for peace,” he insisted. “Nobody has seen anything like it. I’d even say he should get the Nobel Peace Prize for it.”
French President Emmanuel Macron called it “a potential step forward, or possibly just another fever dream.”
China, for its part, offered to mediate peace talks, provided they are held in a Beijing theme park, broadcast on TikTok, and no one brings up the word “sovereignty.”
Putin: “Compromise is for the weak and the West”
Asked whether any actual compromise was on the table, Putin laughed, took a long sip of tea (presumably from a Crimean teacup), and replied, “Of course not. Why would I compromise when I can just wait for winter?”
He went on to clarify that in the Russian diplomatic tradition, “peace” roughly translates to: “You stop fighting, I keep everything, and we call it even.”
Conclusion: World Holds Breath, Ukraine Just Keeps Fighting
While analysts debate whether this peace proposal is genuine, delusional, or just another Thursday in the Kremlin, Ukrainian officials remain unimpressed.
“Sure, we’ll accept Putin’s peace,” said one Ukrainian diplomat, “right after we accept Santa Claus as our Minister of Defense.”
Meanwhile, the Kremlin is reportedly drafting a new treaty titled “Peace in Our Time: The 21st Century Edition,” which, according to leaked reports, is just the old Soviet map with the word “Why not?” scrawled over it in red ink.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Pakistani activist: I fight for refugees' rights in the West only 5 Apr 11:12 AM (13 days ago)
Brussels, Berlin, and Beyond — Pakistani activist Khawaja Bro who has made a name for himself in performative activism in the West has expressed outrage on being called out for not speaking up for Afghan refugees facing cruel treatment and deportation in Pakistan. In a video posted on his social media, Bro said it’s not his fault fighting for civil rights back home is not as lucrative.
“Look, no one cares for refugee rights in Pakistan,” he went on to say. “Besides, it doesn’t look good on my resume.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Bro went on to say “but generally I stand with all displaced peoples—Syrians, Ukrainians, those fleeing climate disasters.”
Khawaja Bro’s impressive track record includes passionately protesting in front of the Hungarian Parliament, tearfully blogging from a train station in Vienna, and posting a 17-part Instagram story about a refugee camp visit in Lesbos that got him so many new followers.
Selective Suffering: A Moral Strategy
Critics have noted Bro’s curious silence on Pakistan’s ongoing mass deportation of Afghan refugees—more than 800,000 already expelled, many born and raised in Pakistan, some activists, women’s rights defenders, and artists now being shoved across a border into Taliban hands.
When asked about this glaring omission, Bro blinked slowly and replied, “Well, those refugees are... different. It’s like, not chic. You know? There’s no Guardian photographer following them. And have you seen the lighting in those parts of Karachi?”
He added that activism “shouldn’t be confused with local accountability,” and emphasized that his European advocacy was “a vibe,” whereas criticizing Pakistan’s treatment of Afghan refugees was “a buzzkill.”
Human Rights: Some Restrictions Apply
In his latest op-ed, titled “Borders Are Violence (Unless They're Ours)”, Bro explained that “it’s unfair to expect Pakistan, a developing country, to host millions of Afghan refugees forever. But it’s also unfair for Europe to not let every refugee in. See the difference? It’s... vibes-based.”
In private circles, Bro is rumored to have once almost tweeted about the Afghan deportations, but decided against it after realizing it might upset a few military-adjacent uncles on her WhatsApp, and more importantly, risk his potential nomination for a TEDx talk in Copenhagen.
International Recognition, Local Amnesia
The international recognition for fighting for refugees’ rights in the West praised Meher’s ability to walk the tightrope of global activism—loud enough to trend, vague enough to dodge responsibility. “He’s the perfect modern activist,” said one judge. “Has a visa, a verified account, and absolutely no intention of engaging with domestic hypocrisy.”
Meanwhile, Afghan families in Pakistan continue packing their lives into sacks, subjected to police raids, detentions, deportation into the arms of a regime they fled. Khawaja Bro plans to address their plight soon—in a performative panel discussion in Amsterdam titled “Borders, Boots, and Breadsticks: Reclaiming Safe Spaces Through Aesthetic Protest.”
Final Thoughts
As Bro posted a carousel of his achievements—captioned “Justice, always.”—a lone commenter dared ask, “What about the Afghan refugees in Pakistan?” He swiftly deleted the comment, blocked the user, and added a Story that read:
“No one is free until we are all free… except the ones at home, who are, like, someone else’s job.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Scientists puzzled as still no cure found for Pakistani uncles' homophobia 4 Apr 11:16 AM (14 days ago)
In a shocking revelation that has rocked the global medical community, scientists have admitted defeat in the decades-long search for a cure to one of humanity’s most stubborn afflictions: the homophobia of Pakistani uncles.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
“We’ve mapped the genome, we’ve sequenced the DNA, we’ve even tried turning the TV off Geo News,” said Dr. Amina Rizvi, head of the Institute for Uncle Psychology (IUP), “but nothing works. We’ve tried empathy therapy, logic injections, and even mild doses of RuPaul’s Drag Race. They just keep yelling ‘but on WhatsApp’ every time a rainbow appears.”
Leading experts gathered this week in Geneva to discuss the alarming resistance Pakistani uncles have developed to all known forms of progress. The conference was interrupted multiple times by rogue uncles yelling “son, this is all a foreign agenda” through WhatsApp voice notes, which were promptly forwarded to every family group from Lahore to Mississauga.
WhatsApp Remains the Leading Source of Uncle Research and Misinformation
While the rest of the world struggles to contain disinformation, Pakistani uncles have weaponized WhatsApp with the precision of a nuclear program. Scientists are baffled by the velocity at which a grainy screenshot of a forwarded post titled “BREAKING: Scientists Prove Gays Are Funded By Israel” can reach 400 phones in under 5 minutes.
“WhatsApp is not just a messaging app,” said cultural anthropologist Dr. Kamran Bhatti. “It is their university, news channel, religious seminary, and the only place they’ve ever seen a fact—albeit one made in Photoshop on a Nokia 3310.”
Even more mystifying is the uncles’ collective immunity to counter-information. “You can show them an entire UN report, and they’ll still say, ‘listen son, hear me out—this is all Bill Gates’ doing all along,’” Dr. Bhatti added, with visible despair.
Hopes for a Breakthrough Fade
Researchers had pinned their hopes on the younger generation translating empathy and acceptance into digestible, uncle-friendly memes, but the results were devastating. In a controlled study, one uncle was shown a short video explaining queer rights in Urdu with classical music playing in the background. He stared at it for 8 seconds before yelling, “this is all an American-funded propaganda!” and immediately forwarded a “real” video titled “5 Signs Your Neighbor Is Secretly a Liberal. Fascist”
Some have suggested radical interventions, like confiscating their smartphones or sending them on empathy-building retreats to Berlin or Netflix. But these approaches have been labeled “too dangerous,” as prolonged exposure to open-mindedness has been known to cause complete cognitive collapse in the average WhatsApp Uncle.
The Road Ahead
“We may never find a cure,” said Dr. Rizvi, closing her notes as another uncle sent her a chain message warning of homosexuality being spread via COVID vaccines. “But perhaps, one day, with patience, therapy, and very bad WiFi signals, we can hope to contain the spread.”
Until then, public health officials urge all citizens to avoid unnecessary political conversations with uncles, especially during family dinners, Eid, weddings, and any day that ends in "y".
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Trump slaps tariff on foreskin 3 Apr 10:29 AM (15 days ago)
In what analysts are calling "the most confusing trade war yet," United States (US) President Donald J. Trump has imposed a 25% tariff on imported foreskin, claiming the move will "protect American dignity" and "stop Europe from taking advantage of us — in more ways than one."
“This is very serious,” Trump declared from the ballroom of Mar-a-Lago, flanked by supporters wearing suspiciously ill-fitting pants. “Europe has been shipping us hunks with foreskin for decades, folks. We American men have no chance. Nobody talks about it, but I will. I always talk about the things others are too scared to say. I will stop the foreign foreskin flood, believe me.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
What’s Really Behind It?
According to multiple sources close to Trump, the move is less about international trade and more about Trump's lingering resentment toward Europe itself.
“Look, this isn't about anatomy,” whispered one senior aide, nervously chewing on a baguette. “Trump hates Europe. Always has. Too cultured. Too confident. Too... intact. He thinks their foreskin is some kind of secret weapon.”
The advisor paused, before adding, “Honestly, we stopped trying to argue after the incident with the German ambassador’s bratwurst-themed necktie. Just smile, nod, and write up the tariffs.”
European Reaction: Mild Confusion to Total Hysteria
The European Union called an emergency session to respond to what one diplomat described as "utter lunacy."
“This is not a trade dispute,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, trying and failing to keep a straight face. “It is some kind of... how you say... personal issue? We advise the former president to consult a therapist, not a trade negotiator.”
Germany immediately imposed a retaliatory tariff on Trump-brand cologne, bronzing lotions, and all plastic golf trophies. The Netherlands has reportedly added Trump Tower Amsterdam to its list of officially recognized “public nuisance” structures.
Meanwhile, Denmark simply issued a brief statement: “This is why we didn’t sell you Greenland.”
Expert Panel Weighs In
To help the American public understand this historic development, CNN hastily assembled a panel of experts:
Dr. Chad Scissorman, leading economist: “There is no market for imported foreskin. There never was. This is, economically speaking, absolutely nothing.”
Dr. Maxine Cutler, urologist: “Foreskin is not even internationally traded. It’s not like crude oil or soybeans. I’m not sure the former president understands where foreskin comes from.”
Prof. Hugo von Uncutten, historian of European culture: “In Europe, we are more focused on preserving our architectural foreskin — we call it 'old cities.' Perhaps Mr. Trump is confusing medieval city walls with... well, you get it.”
Frequently Asked Questions About the Foreskin Tariff
Q: Is Europe really exporting foreskin to the US?
A: No. Absolutely not. There is no record of such trade. None. Zero.
Q: How would customs enforce this?
A: Customs and Border Protection released a statement saying, "We're honestly not sure, but we’re updating the handbook."
Q: Could this impact the average American?
A: Only emotionally.
Q: Will this hurt US-EU relations?
A: Relations are already strained due to previous tariffs on wine, cheese, and the Eurovision Song Contest (which Trump called “rigged”).
Smuggling Fears Grow
As the news broke, Canada quietly braced for a rise in cross-border foreskin smuggling. "It's inevitable," said Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman Jean-Claude Boutin. "When America bans something, people just drive north and find it here — like universal healthcare, sanity, and soon, possibly, foreskins."
Border patrol agents are reportedly reviewing medieval anatomy textbooks and YouTube videos titled "Circumcision Explained for Beginners" in preparation.
Trump Doubles Down
When asked if he was worried about international backlash, Trump responded, "Europe knows I’m right. They’re jealous of us. Jealous of our economy, jealous of our freedom, jealous of our perfectly trimmed... you know what I'm talking about."
Pressed further by reporters, Trump ended the briefing with, “And by the way, I’m considering tariffs on European socks next. Too long. Too smug.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Netanyahu finds his spirit animal in Viktor Orbán, praises Hungary as a ‘democratic inspiration’ 2 Apr 12:02 PM (15 days ago)
BUDAPEST — In a move surprising to absolutely no one paying attention, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has openly embraced Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán as his latest political muse, calling him “an icon of governance, media management, and selective democracy.”
At a joint press conference held against the gloomy backdrop of Budapest’s ever-shrinking free press, Netanyahu lauded Orbán’s methods. “Viktor has taught me that democracy is not about institutions or rights,” Netanyahu said, smiling warmly. “It’s about winning elections and then retroactively defining what democracy means. And he’s so good at it.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Authoritarian Chic: The New Normal
Netanyahu, whose judicial overhaul plans have sparked months of protests back home, praised Hungary’s ‘model’ approach. “Why waste time arguing with judges when you can just redesign the court system to fit your needs? Viktor gets it. He even has a playbook — complete with patriotic font and nationalistic clipart — which I am currently being inspired by”
Orbán, for his part, welcomed Netanyahu into what some are calling the Strongmen’s Support Group. “We share many values,” Orbán said, “like securing national unity by labeling critics as foreign agents, philanthropists as public enemies, and opposition as mild inconveniences to be solved later.”
Freedom of the Press? More Like Freedom From the Press
Netanyahu expressed admiration for Hungary’s progressive approach to journalism, in which independent outlets are either ‘restructured,’ ‘acquired by friendly businessmen,’ or mysteriously ‘lose their licenses.’ “Why argue with journalists when you can just outlast them?” Netanyahu mused. “In Israel, we’ve only started flirting with media capture. Hungary is already married to it — happily, I might add.”
Jerusalem-Budapest Axis of Soft Authoritarianism
Analysts believe this budding bromance could have global implications, potentially inspiring an entire generation of leaders who believe that democracy is simply a matter of branding.
In fact, Netanyahu is reportedly considering implementing Hungary’s signature “Patriotic Transparency Act”, which mandates that all NGOs, human rights groups, and concerned citizens register as enemies of the state if they dare express concern.
Public Reaction: Lukewarm to Alarmed
Back in Israel, public sentiment has ranged from resigned sighs to protest chants rhyming “Bibi” with various unprintable words. Meanwhile, Orbán supporters are delighted to see their leader’s authoritarian export industry finally reaching the Middle East.
Asked if he had concerns about copying Hungary’s model too literally, Netanyahu was dismissive. “The only thing I’d change is the weather,” he joked. “But as for the crackdown on dissent and institutional hollowing? We’re the only democracy in the Middle East.”
International Response? What International Response?
The international community, as usual, issued a flurry of sternly worded tweets, followed by absolutely no consequences.
As the press conference ended, Orbán and Netanyahu exchanged matching baseball caps reading “Make Democracy Flexible Again” while shaking hands in front of a suspiciously enthusiastic police squad.
Context:
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Berlin declared the most anti-social capital 26 Mar 1:07 PM (22 days ago)
BERLIN — In a triumph of cold shoulders and passive-aggressive glares, Berlin has officially been named the most anti-social capital in the world, narrowly beating out Paris and Moscow in what critics are calling “a long-overdue coronation.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Local officials shrugged off the news—literally—and declared it “a cultural achievement,” emphasizing Berlin’s proud tradition of avoiding eye contact and passive public hostility. “People keep to themselves here,” said city spokesperson. “We believe in personal space, unless of course we’re pushing past you on the U-Bahn stairs like it’s a triathlon qualifier.”
Public Transport, or Performance Art?
A major contributor to Berlin’s anti-social ambiance is its legendary public transport system, renowned for its innovative approach to time: namely, ignoring it. Trains are late due to a rotating cast of reasons including “police operations,” “technical disturbances,” and the classic fan favorite, “signal failure caused by ghosts of Prussian bureaucracy.”
“The bus was delayed due to ‘existential fatigue,’” said one commuter, checking the BVG app. “At least it’s honest now.”
A Culture of Coughs and Casual Collisions
Social researchers note that Berliners express themselves through unique nonverbal cues—such as sneezing directly into your soul, coughing freely in crowded trams, and a firm belief in walking faster than anyone else while refusing to let you pass.
“The pushing isn’t rude,” insisted Berlin resident Annika S. “It’s... assertive locomotion. We’re helping you move forward—physically, not emotionally.”
Customer Service with a Side of Contempt
Berlin's legendary hospitality sector also got an honorable mention in the report. Waiters, baristas, and retail workers are trained extensively in Kalte Ignoranz—the ancient art of making you feel like a burden for existing.
“I once asked for oat milk at a cafe,” said expat Mark J. “The barista made direct eye contact, sighed, and walked away. It was the most intimate moment I’ve had all year.”
A City for the Emotionally Self-Reliant
Despite its surly reputation, Berlin’s defenders argue the city simply respects autonomy—perhaps too much. “Berlin doesn’t care who you are,” says local artist Uwe K. “You could be a celebrity or a confused tourist asking for directions in five languages. The result is the same: silence, followed by a door slowly closing in your face.”
In response to the anti-social rating, the Berlin Senate has pledged to do absolutely nothing. “We don’t see a problem,” said the mayor in a pre-recorded message. “Besides, if people wanted warmth and human connection, they’d move to Bavaria.”
Tourism Board Reacts With Disdain
Berlin’s tourism board has already launched a new campaign titled “Come To Berlin: We Won’t Bother You”, with posters featuring commuters frowning at their phones and a mascot named Grumpy Klaus who hands out maps while muttering about rent prices.
Whether you love the charm of mutual indifference or just enjoy being elbowed while getting sneezed on, one thing’s for sure: Berlin is in a class of its own. A very cold, emotionally unavailable class.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Pakistan clarifies: Journalist’s family abducted and tortured only to fight disinformation 20 Mar 12:58 PM (28 days ago)
ISLAMABAD — The Pakistani government has reassured the public that its recent abduction and torture of a journalist’s family was conducted solely in the interest of combating disinformation, dismissing accusations of press suppression as “baseless” and “probably foreign-funded.”
“We take fake news very seriously,” said Information Minister at a press conference that was coincidentally held outside a high-security detention facility. “And when one of our esteemed journalists started reporting on certain inconvenient topics, we had no choice but to ensure their family had the opportunity to reflect on the importance of national security.”
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
The journalist in question, who shall remain nameless for his own safety (and ours), is known for investigating and critical reporting on government corruption, missing persons, and other matters deemed “anti-state” by authorities. In his latest reporting, he got carried away and formulated a story critical of the family of the top military general in a misleading way. In response, security forces took the proactive step of forcibly relocating his family members to a secure ‘debriefing facility’ where they could be educated on responsible journalism—by methods ranging from light intimidation to patriotic electrocution.
“Let me be clear: this was not a human rights violation,” the minister continued. “This was a humanitarian effort. By temporarily misplacing certain individuals and engaging them in persuasive dialogue, we are ensuring a more informed and obedient media landscape.”
The move has been hailed by pro-establishment figures as a masterstroke in media regulation. “Western nations criticize us for cracking down on journalists, but have they considered that our journalists are the real problem?” said General (Retd.) Zia ul-Thark, a defense analyst known for appearing on every government-backed talk show.
“They act like reporting on abuse of power is more important than national security! Preposterous.”
International rights groups, predictably, have condemned the actions. Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and the International Federation of Journalists have all issued stern statements demanding the release of the detained family members. In response, the Pakistani government released a strongly-worded memo titled ‘Everything is Fine, Shut Up’, assuring the world that all detainees are “happy, healthy, and undergoing constructive discussions about their journalistic affiliations.”
Meanwhile, domestic media outlets have swiftly adapted to the new reality, with prominent newspapers revising their headlines from “Journalist’s Family Abducted” to the more state-friendly “Government Offers Free Media Training” and “Pakistan Strengthens Dialogue with Press Community.”
As the world continues to react, the Pakistani government remains steadfast in its commitment to truth. “Disinformation is a plague,” said the minister in his closing remarks. “And sometimes, the only way to cure a plague is to… well, let’s just say, have a little chat with the infected.”
When asked if the journalist himself might also require such a ‘chat,’ security officials exchanged knowing glances before promising, “We’ll cross that bridge when we disappear him.”
Disclaimer: This report is subject to real-time fact-checking by state authorities. Any inconsistencies will be corrected through necessary measures.
Thanks for reading Guppu.com! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Emergency egg donation appeal set up in the US 17 Mar 12:27 PM (last month)
Washington, D.C. – In a dramatic turn of events, the United States is now officially accepting egg donations—not for scientific research, but to help everyday Americans afford breakfast.
With eggs reaching prices so high that the U.S. Treasury is considering printing a new “Egg-Backed Dollar,” government officials have issued an urgent plea to foreign governments: If you have extra eggs, consider donating them to your less fortunate American brothers and sisters.
“Think of the Children—They Need Scrambled Hope”
“We are facing an eggmergency unlike anything we’ve seen before,” said USDA spokesperson. “Egg prices have surged so high that many Americans are being forced to choose between rent and omelets. Families are waking up to dry toast, and French toast is now considered a luxury item only available to the top 1%.”
The crisis has escalated to such an extent that Congress is debating the launch of the Federal Egg Reserve, a strategic stockpile of eggs that can be airlifted into communities in distress. Meanwhile, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has reportedly started rationing powdered eggs as an alternative, leading to a widespread black-market trade in “real shell-laid eggs.”
The Rise of Eggflation and the New Barter Economy
As traditional currency becomes increasingly useless at the supermarket, desperate citizens are turning to egg-based bartering. One man in Ohio reportedly traded a dozen free-range eggs for a used car, while a woman in California swapped two cartons for a down payment on a house. In New York, a black-market “Egg Exchange” has been established, where rogue farmers whisper about fresh dozen deals in dark alleyways.
Economists warn that “eggflation” could reach a critical point where Americans might have to start paying their taxes in yolks. Treasury Secretary Jane Doe has assured the public that “the government is actively looking into the feasibility of an egg-backed economy but encourages citizens to remain calm and avoid hoarding eggs under their mattresses.”
How You Can Help
In these dire times, the U.S. Egg Council has provided a few ways all of us can help:
Donate Your Extra Eggs – If you own backyard chickens, consider sharing with your local community before they are confiscated as “strategic American national resources.”
Support Alternative Breakfasts – Toast, waffles, and despair are still viable options while we weather this crisis.
Pray for Chickens – These hard-working birds are doing their best. Give them a moment of appreciation.
For now, America remains hopeful. But as one grocery store clerk put it, “If this keeps up, I’m gonna start selling my own kidneys before I sell eggs at these prices.”
Until then, may your omelets be fluffy, and your bank account be able to afford them.
Stranded astronauts forced to thank Trump and Elon Musk before boarding capsule home 17 Mar 10:12 AM (last month)
Photo: Screenshot from a NASA ISS broadcast
International Space Station – After nine long months of unexpected extended stay aboard the International Space Station (ISS), NASA astronauts Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams were finally given clearance to return to Earth. However, before they could step into the SpaceX capsule that would bring them home, they were faced with one final and unexpected mission: thanking Donald Trump and Elon Musk.
According to sources within NASA, the order came directly from President Donald Trump, who personally insisted that the astronauts express gratitude to both himself and Musk before they were permitted to board. A statement from the Trump office read:
“President Trump saved NASA. SpaceX exists because of Trump. Astronauts breathe oxygen because of Trump. It is only fair that before they return to Earth, these great American heroes acknowledge the man who made space travel great again.”
The statement then included a personal quote from Trump himself.
“You don’t have the cards. With us you’d start having the cards”
The astronauts, initially confused, were given a prepared script to read before departure. In a brief and reluctant statement transmitted live from orbit, Wilmore sighed and said:
“We’d like to, um, extend our heartfelt thanks to President Donald J. Trump and of course, Elon Musk, for, uh, everything. We wouldn’t be here today—well, actually, we wouldn’t be stranded here today—without their contributions. So, um, thank you. Can we come home now?”
Williams, seen nervously glancing at a SpaceX mission controller holding what appeared to be a red “DO NOT PRESS” button, quickly followed suit:
“Yes, thank you, President Trump and Elon Musk, for your… unwavering commitment to space exploration. This experience has truly been out of this world. We’re very excited to return.”
With their scripted gratitude complete, mission controllers immediately unlocked the hatch, and the astronauts were allowed to board the capsule.
Musk Takes a Victory Lap
Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX and self-described “Chief Martian,” took to social media shortly after the astronauts’ scripted thank-you, tweeting:
“You’re welcome, earthlings. Now go tell your friends to buy a Tesla. #SpaceX #Trump2025 #MarsOrBust”
Musk later posted a follow-up tweet claiming he was “personally responsible for 97% of all human spaceflight” and hinted that future astronauts would be required to include a “verified” badge subscription to X (formerly Twitter) in their standard mission budgets.
Trump’s Reaction: “They Were Crying”
Speaking at a reception of a foreign delegatation in the Oval Office, Trump recounted the event to a crowd of supporters:
“Folks, you should have seen them, they were crying, okay? These astronauts, amazing astronauts, they got down on their knees, tears in their eyes, and they said, ‘Sir, thank you for letting us come home!’ They were BEGGING, folks. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. It was beautiful.”
NASA has yet to comment on whether such acknowledgments will be mandatory for future missions, but insiders suggest that astronauts on upcoming Mars expeditions might be required to display a portrait of Trump on their space suits to ensure a smooth return process.
As for Wilmore and Williams, they are expected to land safely on Earth this Tuesday—where they will hopefully not be required to kiss the ground while saying “Thank you, Trump.”
Self-Deport App: man self-deports mother-in-law who is a citizen 16 Mar 6:44 AM (last month)
In a bold, innovative move that completely redefines immigration enforcement (and basic human dignity), the U.S. Customs and Borders Protection (CBP) inclose cooperation with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and personal commission of President Donald Trump has proudly unveiled its latest technological marvel: the Self-Deport App called CBP Home. Designed with the spirit of “voluntary compliance,” the app allows undocumented immigrants—and apparently, anyone else deemed inconvenient—to schedule their own deportations at their earliest convenience.
Tech for a More Efficient Oppression
Touting it as the “Uber of Forced Departures,” ICE claims the Self-Deport App is a humane alternative to its traditional immigration enforcement methods. “This way, migrants can avoid the indignity of raids, detentions, and public humiliation by simply pressing a button and escorting themselves out of the country,” an ICE spokesperson explained with a reassuring smile. “It’s about giving people a choice—between self-deportation or waiting for a much less pleasant alternative.”
Critics, of course, have raised concerns about the app’s Orwellian branding. After all, most developed nations and the United Nations refer to such processes as “voluntary return” and provide assistance with reintegration—rather than reducing the experience to what sounds like a food delivery service for human relocation.
Accidental Deportations: A Feature, Not a Bug
However, not everyone is upset. Some patriotic citizens are already taking full advantage of the app, none more enthusiastically than local man John Doe, who, in what he calls a “blessing” successfully self-deported his mother-in-law, despite her being a natural-born U.S. citizen.
“I was just testing the app, you know? And I thought, wouldn’t it be hilarious if I put my mother-in-law’s details in? Next thing I know, she’s getting alerts from ICE and a one-way ticket to Guatemala—where she’s never even been!” Doe explained between fits of laughter. “The system works!”
When ICE was asked whether they’d return the wrongly deported woman, an official shrugged. “She scheduled the deportation herself—whether she knew it or not. We can’t be held responsible for user error. That would require us to care.”
“It’s not our fault people want to get rid of immigrants,” he insisted. “And if the misuse means people self-deporting hundreds of thousands for personal vendetta, is that really a bad thing?”
A ‘Dignified’ Departure (Because ICE Says So)
ICE officials insist that this is a step forward in “respecting migrant dignity.” “People think deportation is cruel,” one agent stated while adjusting his body armor. “But by self-deporting, migrants get to say goodbye to America on their own terms. We’re actually doing them a favor by letting them choose when they get kicked out.”
The app also provides a ‘Custom Farewell’ option, where migrants can select from a range of pre-written exit messages, including:
“It’s not you, America, it’s me.”
“I overstayed my welcome, but I left before you had to call security.”
“I’ll be back (hopefully).”
ICE’s Next Innovation: ‘Auto-Deport’
While the Self-Deport App is already gaining traction, ICE is reportedly working on its next big idea: Auto-Deport, an advanced AI-driven system that preemptively schedules deportations before migrants even realize they’re in violation of immigration law.
“We’re moving toward a world where deportations are seamless,” an ICE developer said. “Imagine getting a push notification telling you it’s time to leave, complete with a pre-booked flight. No fuss, no mess. Just good old-fashioned bureaucratic efficiency!”
Conclusion: America, Land of Innovation (and Inevitable Deportation)
Despite widespread backlash, the Self-Deport App remains in full force. While ICE maintains that it provides “a humane alternative”, migrants are left wondering how exactly a self-scheduled exile is supposed to preserve their dignity.
Meanwhile, John Doe is still enjoying his newfound power. “I might try sending my boss on a ‘vacation’ next. This app really is something!”
Elderly German warmongers furious as twink Ole Nymoen refuses to die for their war 16 Mar 3:02 AM (last month)
Germany’s esteemed class of elderly, liberal warmongers — also known in Germany as alte Weiße Männer — has found itself in a crisis: young, working-class men like Ole Nymoen are refusing to enthusiastically sacrifice themselves for the grand vision of increased military spending and a return to “serious” war preparedness. The audacity!
For years, these fine, upstanding gentlemen (and a few ladies in expensive blazers) have graced roundtable discussions, political forums, and elite cocktail lounges with their intellectual musings on how Germany must “modernize” its military and re-establish itself as a global power. However, when it comes to actually stepping onto the battlefield, they have developed an unfortunate condition known as strategic physical unavailability—a disorder common among politicians, CEOs, and newspaper columnists over the age of 55.
Sacrificing the Working Class for a Higher Purpose
Nymoen, a young author, columnist, and podcaster, dared to point out an inconvenient truth: it’s the young, working-class men who will ultimately be sent to the trenches, while the architects of war will continue writing op-eds about the “unavoidable necessity” of military action from the comfort of their study lounges.
“It is not their children who will die,” Nymoen explained, blinking incredulously at an old man in a tailored suit demanding increased defense budgets. “It is not their friends who will be sent off to some battlefield to uphold ‘European values’ while they sip Bordeaux in Paris. It is people like me.”
The reaction from Germany’s aging intellectual elite was swift and brutal. Der Krieg ist unvermeidlich! The war is inevitable! they declared, furiously shaking their heads while adjusting their silk scarves. One particularly passionate commentator accused Nymoen of “failing his duty as a European citizen”—because apparently, a true European willingly offers himself as cannon fodder for the geopolitical aspirations of the upper class.
Reforming the Military (Without Serving in It)
The same people who spent decades mocking nationalist rhetoric have suddenly found themselves deeply invested in Germany’s military prowess. Now, they are actively supporting reforms that would make Germany’s armed forces more agile, well-funded, and strategically dominant. However, they have also clarified that their role in this effort is purely intellectual.
“We must be prepared for war,” announced one think-tank analyst who has never held a weapon in his life. “Not that I will personally be involved, of course, but I fully support young men like Ole sacrificing themselves for the cause.”
Meanwhile, Germany’s actual military personnel—those working-class young men who enlist for financial stability—are left wondering why they suddenly have to become the guardians of civilization just because a bunch of politicians rediscovered their inner Clausewitz after a few glasses of Riesling.
A Crisis of Masculinity? Or Just a Crisis of Privilege?
Rather than acknowledging Nymoen’s argument, some elderly defense enthusiasts have resorted to a tried-and-true tactic: questioning the masculinity of young men who are skeptical of war.
“Back in my day, men were real men!” cried one retired professor, sipping a €12 cappuccino while reminiscing about a youth spent safely tucked away in academia. “Now, we have these delicate twinks like Nymoen who refuse to fight. What happened to the warrior spirit?”
Of course, back in his day, military service was often optional, war was something that happened in history books, and he himself never had to dodge a single bullet. But these are minor details.
Conclusion: The Eternal Warmongers and Their Convenient Absence From the Battlefield
At the end of the day, nothing is new. The rich and the powerful have always found eloquent ways to justify why young men should die for causes they themselves will never risk their lives for. The only difference now is that twinks like Ole Nymoen are refusing to play along.
The elderly warmongers will huff and puff, write a few more columns about “the decline of Western civilization,” and then return to their elegant dinner parties—secure in the knowledge that while they passionately advocate for war, they will never have to fight it.
Context
Ole Nymoen has become talk of the town ever since this best-selling author’s provocative book “Warum ich niemals für mein Land kämpfen würde”, literally, Why I would never fight for my country has hit the markets. It’s being seen as the anti-thesis to the narrative being built around Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, how Europe and Germans have to increase their war-preparedness and invest billions of Euros into modern weaponry, upgrading the army, and reintroducing conscription. More than often these warmongers are speaking to an echo-chamber without serious contradiction, definitely not from someone who is supposed to fight for this big war dream at the frontline because young soldiers often don’t get a say in this. Ole Nymoen has decided to say no and reclaim this space.
Im März werfe ich mich noch einmal in den publizistischen Schützengraben: Dann erscheint nämlich mein Buch WARUM ICH NIEMALS FÜR MEIN LAND KÄMPFEN WÜRDE. pic.twitter.com/ae87kvqQJE
— Ole Nymoen (@nymoen_ole) January 11, 2025
“It’s called anti-Zionism now,” mob said while beating Jewish student 15 Mar 5:48 AM (last month)
In yet another courageous act of social justice, a group of self-proclaimed “anti-Zionists” proved their commitment to human rights by violently attacking a Jewish student—because nothing says ‘moral superiority’ like beating up someone based on their ethnic and/or religious identity while insisting you have absolutely no issue with their ethnic and/or their religious identity.
The incident, which took place on a university campus known for its “safe spaces” and “zero-tolerance policies on discrimination,” began when the student was overheard expressing a nuanced opinion on the Israel-Palestine conflict. This, of course, was unacceptable.
“He said something about complexity,” one of the attackers explained. “We knew right away he was a Zionist, and as everyone knows, Zionists are the worst people on Earth. Not Jews, though! We love Jews—just not the ones who exist today.”
Anti-Zionism, the Friendly Alternative to Antisemitism!
As the group delivered righteous justice in the form of fists and kicks, they made sure to clarify that their actions were in no way motivated by hatred toward Jews. “This isn’t antisemitism,” one brave activist declared while swinging a metal pipe. “This is about Israel! And sure, he had nothing to do with Israel and was just trying to go to class, but that’s beside the point.”
Another white male protester, adjusting freshly appropriated keffiyeh while texting in a group chat titled “Death to Zionists,” passionately insisted: “We’re anti-Zionists, not antisemites! It’s just a coincidence that every Jewish person we meet is a Zionist who deserves to be harassed, beaten, and silenced.”
A Totally Reasonable Distinction
The beating continued for several minutes, with the attackers thoughtfully reminding bystanders that they were, in fact, on the right side of history.
“Look, it’s not about Jews, okay?” explained one student, adjusting their ironic Che Guevara T-shirt between punches. “We’re just against a state’s policies! And that means every Jewish person in the world must answer for it, be harassed, or learn to denounce Israel at every opportunity. What’s so hard to understand?”
Some campus activists even suggested that the Jewish student had only himself to blame. “If he didn’t want to get beaten up, maybe he should have worn a ‘Free Palestine’ pin, or at least taken the time to publicly renounce Israel before attending class.”
University Officials Respond With Sternly Worded Email
As video of the incident spread online, the university issued a statement condemning “all forms of hate and violence, including those that may or may not involve some unfortunate misunderstandings.”
The administration also assured Jewish students that while their safety couldn’t exactly be guaranteed, they were welcome to report any future beatings to the school’s Bias Reporting System, which would generate an automated email response and possibly a virtual workshop about “Understanding Different Perspectives on Zionism.”
Meanwhile, many students and some faculty took to social media to express their solidarity with the attackers. “Violence is never the answer,” one progressive influencer tweeted, “but in this case, I totally understand where they were coming from.”
Conclusion: It’s Not Hate, It’s Just… A Convenient Coincidence
As the battered student recovers in the hospital, his attackers continue to bask in the moral high ground, confident that their fists of righteousness have made the world a better place.
“We’re not antisemites,” they remind the world. “We just happen to hate every single Jewish person who doesn’t denounce Israel on demand. Totally different thing.”
Luigi Mangione: From murder suspect to a pornstar 15 Mar 5:21 AM (last month)
If you thought Luigi Mangione was just another name lost incarcerated at the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn, think again—because, as it turns out, he’s been keeping rather busy on screen. And not the kind of screens you’d expect.
The dashing Italian heartthrob, known for his smoldering stare and brooding intensity, has reportedly starred in at least twenty adult films, proving that his talents extend far beyond murdering someone for self-proclaimed social justice or being a youth icon. With cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass and a body that looks like it was sculpted by Michelangelo’s very hands, Mangione has become an unexpected sensation in a very niche corner of the internet.
Elusive Talent, Exposed
Whispers of Mangione’s extracurricular activities first surfaced in underground forums dedicated to “cinephiles” with particularly diverse interests. As more reports surfaced, stunned fans debated whether their beloved actor had truly ventured into such risqué territory, or whether this was just an elaborate deepfake conspiracy—because surely no man could look that good in both tailored suits and… much, much less.
But alas, the truth is out. Luigi Mangione, the brooding enigma of folklore, is also the reigning champion of seductive storytelling—now with significantly fewer clothes and far more dramatic close-ups.
A Performance Like No Other
Industry insiders say Mangione’s transition into the adult entertainment sector was nothing short of seamless. “He brings the same level of passion and commitment to his performances,” one producer, who preferred to remain anonymous, revealed. “Only now, the stakes are a little different.”
Critics have already hailed his work as “raw, unfiltered, and deeply immersive.” One particularly enthusiastic reviewer from a very niche magazine wrote, “Mangione doesn’t just act—he devours the screen. Every movement, every expression, every… well, everything—is done with the kind of conviction that makes method actors look like amateurs.”
Breaking Boundaries or Cashing In?
Naturally, the internet is ablaze with debate. Some hail Mangione as a trailblazer for breaking the last remaining taboo, proving that true artistry knows no bounds (or clothes). Others cynically wonder whether this is merely a cash grab, a desperate rebranding strategy designed to keep the cameras rolling and the fans… engaged.
Regardless of motives, one thing is certain: Mangione’s newfound career trajectory has introduced him to an entirely new audience—one that doesn’t necessarily care about film festivals, but is deeply invested in the “cinematic experience.”
What’s Next for Mangione?
While some speculate this is just a phase—a wild detour before he inevitably returns to “serious vigilantism”—others argue that this could be the start of something much bigger (and bolder). Could we soon see a critically-acclaimed, art-house adult film starring Mangione, complete with moody cinematography and melancholic jazz? Or will he take the classic Hollywood redemption arc and land a Marvel role after his daring performances become legendary?
Only time will tell. But until then, Luigi Mangione remains a man of many legends, popculture, and, apparently, very few inhibitions.
Where exactly are those porn videos starring Luigi Mangione and how he managed to do those while remaining incarcerated in Brooklyn is, of course, as much a matter of mystery for us as it is for anyone else.
Elon Musk in disbelief that Tesla must afford employees in Germany paid sick leaves 14 Mar 3:24 AM (last month)
Elon Musk, the self-proclaimed champion of free markets, innovation, and treating workers like expendable factory parts, has found himself in an existential crisis. After expanding Tesla’s operations to Germany, Musk was horrified to discover that workers there enjoy absurd luxuries such as paid sick leave, maternity rights, and protections against sudden termination.
“It’s basically a communist utopia,” Musk lamented, as he fired off a series of tweets questioning how Germany even functions with such unnecessary worker protections.
“Why Should Pregnant Women Get Time Off?” – Musk’s Crusade Against Employee Rights
Musk, whose work ethic famously includes sleeping on factory floors and expecting employees to sacrifice their sanity in the name of “efficiency,” was particularly baffled by Germany’s approach to pregnancy leave. “In America, women work until the last week of their due date. Some even give birth at work and cut the umbilical cord between Zoom meetings,” Musk claimed, before adding, “Germany is falling behind because their workers are too busy being human.”
Determined to address this “crisis,” Musk has reportedly started private discussions with far-right political figures in Germany, hoping to dismantle these so-called “anti-business” policies. “We need to bring American-style capitalism to Germany,” he declared, “where a sick day is just a test of character, and you only retire if you physically can’t move anymore.”
Exploiting Foreign Workers: The Tesla Strategy
Since German labor laws are stubbornly protecting local workers, Tesla has pivoted to a brilliantly exploitative solution—hiring foreign workers who don’t know their rights and can be tricked into signing away their protections.
Sources reveal that migrant workers at Tesla’s German plant have been encouraged to waive their paid sick leave, believing it to be “optional.” Some reports even suggest that these workers were misled into signing contracts in German—despite not speaking the language—ensuring that they unknowingly agreed to American-style corporate abuse.
“It’s a win-win situation,” said one Tesla executive. “Germany keeps its pristine labor rights on paper, and we continue running a dystopian factory model without all that ‘human dignity’ nonsense getting in the way.”
Tesla’s Ultimate Goal: The Americanization of German Work Culture
Musk has made it clear: Tesla cannot thrive in an environment where workers are allowed to be comfortable, healthy, and sane. His vision for Germany includes:
Introducing “grind culture” – where working 80-hour weeks is a badge of honor, not a violation of basic rights.
Replacing labor unions with Twitter polls – so workers can “democratically” vote on whether they deserve bathroom breaks.
Rebranding “sick leave” as “personal growth challenges” – to encourage employees to push through their weaknesses.
Conclusion: The Inevitable Takeover of American-Style Corporate Oppression
As Tesla continues its battle against German labor laws, one thing is clear: Elon Musk won’t stop until every worker in Brandenburg experiences the same thrilling job insecurity as their American counterparts.
Germany, once known for its worker protections, now faces an existential threat—the rise of Muskism, where being overworked and exploited is just a sign of “commitment to the mission.” Will Germany resist, or will Tesla’s influence drag the country into an exciting new era of burnout and precarity?
Stay tuned. The battle between basic human rights and Musk’s dystopian “future of work” has only just begun.
Pakistanis: The Global Human Rights Champions (Except at Home) 12 Mar 2:37 PM (last month)
In an inspiring show of international goodwill, Pakistanis across the world have taken it upon themselves to champion human rights, advocate for oppressed minorities, and denounce injustices—so long as those injustices occur anywhere except in Pakistan. Whether it’s standing in solidarity with Palestinians, Muslims in Europe, or Black Lives Matter, these self-declared activists have a passion for justice that knows no borders, especially when it conveniently stops at the Wagah border.
Leading the Charge for Justice (Selective Edition)
Pakistani social media influencers, politicians, and intellectuals have made it their sacred duty to speak out against Islamophobia in the West, colonial oppression, and the crimes of global superpowers. Their Twitter threads are filled with passionate condemnations of human rights violations in India, Israel, and the United States, proving that no issue is too big or too far away for their righteous outrage.
At the same time, some minor and completely irrelevant matters—such as forced conversions of Hindu and Christian girls, sectarian violence, disappearances of journalists, enforced disappearances and killings of disenfranchized communities such as the Baloch, queer and trans people, and the ongoing persecution of the Ahmadiyya community—fail to register on their radar. But let’s not nitpick; after all, championing human rights is exhausting, and one cannot possibly fight every battle. Prioritization is key!
Defending the Oppressed (As Long as They’re Not in Pakistan)
Pakistanis have rightly taken a firm stance against discrimination faced by Muslims in foreign lands. “Muslims must be protected everywhere,” they say, with a solemn nod, as religious minorities in Pakistan scramble to find safe spaces amidst growing intolerance.
When France passed laws restricting religious symbols, the outcry in Pakistan was deafening. How dare a nation police what people can wear? Meanwhile, the occasional inconvenience of having a blasphemy law that puts people on death row for WhatsApp messages is just an internal affair. No need for Western interference in sovereign matters!
The Art of Protest: When It’s Convenient
In Pakistan, mass protests against foreign injustices are a beloved tradition. Huge rallies erupt over issues in Palestine, Kashmir, and Western Islamophobia, complete with fiery speeches and effigy-burning ceremonies. The passion is undeniable! But when it comes to protesting the “honor” killings, child marriages, or the ever-growing list of “missing persons” abducted by state agencies, the enthusiasm seems to dwindle. “Let’s not air our dirty laundry,” some whisper. “We have bigger battles to fight—like boycotting French perfumes.”
Criticizing Others: A National Hobby
Pakistani Twitterati have perfected the art of calling out double standards in the West. “How can the U.S. talk about human rights when they invaded Iraq?” they ask, conveniently forgetting how dissenters at home are often greeted with sedition charges. “Look at India’s treatment of minorities!” they exclaim, while casually ignoring the continued destruction of Hindu temples in Sindh.
Criticizing Israel and Modi’s India is an absolute must. It’s a matter of principle, a core value. Meanwhile, raising questions about the treatment of Pakistan’s own marginalized groups is often met with a concerned, “Why are you defaming the country? Are you working for RAW or the CIA?”
Conclusion: A Country Committed to Human Rights (When It’s Easy)
Pakistan’s dedication to human rights is undeniable—as long as those rights are being violated somewhere else. The noble tradition of holding foreign powers accountable while dismissing domestic atrocities as “complex issues that require context” continues to thrive.
So, the next time Pakistanis take to the streets or social media to call out injustice abroad, remember: their commitment to human rights is as deep as their commitment to fixing things at home—just selectively applied. Because, after all, nothing says moral high ground like ignoring the skeletons in your own backyard while pointing at someone else’s.
Justin Baldoni: it’s cool, I’m a feminist 12 Mar 2:18 PM (last month)
Photo: Flickr/iDominick – CC BY-SA 2.0
In an astonishing yet wholly predictable turn of events, actor and profiled as “ideal male” Justin Baldoni is reassuring fans and critics alike that recent allegations of sexual harassment—stemming from claims of inappropriate comments and unsolicited advances toward Blake Lively on his production sets—should be summarily dismissed. After all, he’s “a feminist and an ally.”
Known best for building a career around gently dismantling toxic masculinity through inspirational social media posts, deeply moving TED Talks, and perfectly groomed facial hair, Baldoni quickly responded to accusations by reminding everyone of his feminist credentials.
Feminism as Armor: A Revolutionary Strategy
“How can I possibly be guilty?” Baldoni asked earnestly, pausing briefly for dramatic effect and checking to make sure his Instagram live stream was still running. “So I hired a firm to personally attack and tarnish a woman at the hands of vile paid trolls? Haven’t you seen my posts about respecting women? Haven’t you watched my TED Talk? Honestly, how could someone who has cried publicly about male privilege ever do something problematic?”
Critics, clearly forgetting that public feminist declarations are basically legal immunity from wrongdoing, have questioned the logic of Baldoni’s defense. But supporters argue passionately, emphasizing that no man who publicly meditates on male accountability should ever actually be held accountable—especially if he does so while wearing stylishly casual attire.
Allyship, But Make It Performative
“Let’s be clear,” Baldoni continued, “I didn’t just talk the talk—I also walked the walk. Well, not literally walked, more like posted carefully-filtered Instagram stories of myself looking introspective, contemplative, and deeply in touch with female empowerment. I was basically a feminist Gandhi, but with better abs.”
Fans were quick to rally around Baldoni, insisting that his status as an ally is far too valuable to tarnish with inconvenient truths. “Why focus on these petty allegations,” one fan tweeted, “when we could instead appreciate how beautifully Justin has packaged feminism for mainstream consumption? He’s basically Oprah, but for men who don’t read.”
The Ideal Male Excuse: “I Am the Exception”
Baldoni also confidently pointed out that his “Ideal Male” persona has already been confirmed by multiple feminist magazines and websites—”I even got featured as the Ideal Ally! What more do you people want?” he pleaded, clearly confused by society’s unrealistic expectations that feminist allies not harass anyone, ever.
“I’ve already done my part,” Baldoni explained passionately, carefully framing himself in front of a collection of carefully curated feminist literature. “I made feminism relatable to guys who’d rather lift weights than read Bell Hooks. Isn’t that enough?”
A Textbook Non-Apology Apology
Attempting to soothe tensions, Baldoni released a heartfelt non-apology on social media:
“If anyone felt uncomfortable, please remember that was never my intention—my intention was always just to seem supportive and understanding while subtly promoting myself. I promise to engage in even more performative soul-searching and maybe launch a podcast about growth and accountability.”
Conclusion: “Canceling Me Hurts Feminism, Actually”
Closing his defense, Baldoni boldly declared, “Canceling me would set feminism back decades. I mean, who else is going to teach men that feminism is cool if I’m gone?”
With such logic, the world waits breathlessly for his inevitable redemption tour. Because, as everyone knows, if you’re a self-proclaimed feminist, consequences are just for other people.
MAGA thugs: we’ll defend Jews against them n***** 11 Mar 1:02 PM (last month)
In a shocking turn of events, the same “Make America Great Aagain (MAGA)” warriors who once screeched about globalist conspiracies and the nefarious control of “Hollywood elites” have now decided they are the world’s last line of defense against antisemitism. These brave freedom fighters—known for their delicate handling of racial, ethnic, and religious matters—have graciously taken it upon themselves to fight for Jewish safety and dignity.
Of course, this newfound concern coincidentally aligns with their ongoing battle against the “woke mind virus,” so it’s less about protecting Jews and more about using them as convenient props to dunk on their political enemies.
From “Jewish Space Lasers” to Jewish Savior Complex
Who could forget Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s iconic moment of political genius when she speculated that Jewish space lasers were responsible for California wildfires? Fast forward a couple of years, and she now proudly wears the badge of “Defender of the Jewish People”—mostly by making sure people know that criticizing Israel is the same as endorsing the Holocaust.
In a dazzling display of consistency, MAGA loyalists have gone from hosting white nationalist conferences featuring open neo-Nazis to suddenly being outraged by antisemitism when it comes from their favorite punching bags—college students, BIPOC, and left-wing activists. What a transformation!
The New Wave of Zionist Evangelicals: “Jews for Our Apocalypse!”
Leading the charge of this heartfelt pro-Jewish movement are America’s finest Christian Zionists, whose deep love for the Jewish people stems from the belief that their existence is a necessary prerequisite for the rapture. Nothing says “we care about Jews” like hoping they all convert or get left behind when Jesus makes his triumphant return.
Pastor John “The End is Nigh” Hagee, one of Donald Trump’s biggest evangelical supporters, once preached that Hitler was actually sent by God to get Jews back to Israel. Now, he’s at the forefront of America’s “We Love Israel” movement, proving once and for all that nothing says compassion like a casual endorsement of divine genocide.
Antisemitism? Never Heard of It—Unless It’s From the Left
The rules of antisemitism, according to the MAGA guidebook, are quite simple:
If someone on the left criticizes Israel, they are an antisemite and probably a secret Hamas operative.
If someone on the right says something about Jews controlling the media, banking, and “replacing” white Christians? Well, that’s just “asking questions.”
If a left-wing protester calls for a ceasefire in Gaza? That’s “literally the same as supporting the Nazis.”
If Nick Fuentes, one of Trump’s dinner guests, calls for America to be rid of Jewish influence? Hey, people make mistakes! No need to overreact.
The Art of Selective Outrage
No MAGA-backed outrage would be complete without a healthy dose of hypocrisy. While they decry antisemitism from progressive politicians, MAGA’s biggest stars have shared their fair share of classic antisemitic dog whistles.
Donald Trump himself once reminded American Jews that Israel is “your country” (which is always a fun way to support a community—by questioning their national loyalty). He’s also lamented how ungrateful Jews are for not supporting him, unlike those “very fine people” in Charlottesville.
Meanwhile, conservative media darlings like Tucker Carlson have spent years pushing the “Great Replacement” theory, which has inspired a host of white nationalist attacks. But let’s not dwell on that—look, over there! A college protester with a keffiyeh! Sound the alarms!
Conclusion: When Convenience Calls, So Does MAGA’s Love for Jews
At the end of the day, MAGA’s passionate defense of Jews has very little to do with actual Jewish safety and everything to do with weaponizing the issue against their political enemies. As history shows, their concern is as fleeting as their grasp on basic historical facts.
So, let us all take a moment to appreciate the selfless bravery of these fine patriots—who have finally decided that antisemitism is bad, just so long as they can use it to own the libs. What would the world do without them?
Muslim man dumps boyfriend right after sex—because it’s Ramadan 10 Mar 1:58 PM (last month)
In a turn of events that has shocked no one except perhaps his own sense of consistency, a drunk gay Muslim man reportedly dumped his boyfriend right after sleeping with him—because he suddenly remembered it’s Ramadan and that “it’s haraam”
The man, who wishes to remain anonymous (probably because he’s too busy trying to justify his actions to himself), allegedly went from being deeply in love at 2:59 AM to being deeply religious at 3:00 AM, citing his spiritual obligations as the reason for the abrupt breakup.
From Sinning to Spiritual in 60 Seconds
According to sources close to the situation (read: his ex-boyfriend, who is still in disbelief), the night began as any other night of Ramadan would—with the man enjoying one too many cocktails, making out with his boyfriend, and eventually ending up in bed.
However, moments after the deed was done, our protagonist sat bolt upright, gasped dramatically, and muttered, “Astaghfirullah… what have I done?” before swiftly putting his clothes back on as if a lightning bolt from God himself was about to strike.
“I just can’t do this anymore,” he reportedly told his boyfriend, wiping away a single, alcohol-infused tear. “It’s Ramadan. I need to purify myself.”
“I’m not gay, bro,” he insisted. “you need to dress up and go home.”
Sources claim that he sprinted out the door, leaving behind his boyfriend, several empty vodka bottles, and whatever was left of his moral integrity.
The Rules of Selective Ramadan Observance
This latest spiritual awakening has raised serious theological questions, such as:
Is alcohol haram before or only after ejaculation?
Does breaking up during Ramadan earn extra points on Judgment Day?
Religious scholars have declined to comment, mostly because they don’t see this as a real problem.
Social Media Reacts: Halal Hypocrisy at Its Finest
As news of the incident spread, social media erupted with a mix of trolling, confusion, and theological debates that no one asked for.
Some of the best reactions included:
“Bro really went from haram to halal in under 60 seconds.”
“First halal breakup caused by post-nut clarity?”
“Imagine explaining this at the pearly gates.”
“I love how alcohol was fine but love wasn’t. Truly the priorities of a Muslim king.”
One user even suggested that “Ramadan speed-running repentance should be an Olympic sport.”
Will He Be Back After Eid?
While our protagonist has declared his absolute devotion to God, insiders predict he will slide back into his ex’s DMs approximately 30 seconds after Eid prayers conclude.
“Meet today?” as if nothing ever happened.
Until then, we wish him well on his incredibly flexible spiritual journey. May his sins be wiped clean, just in time to repeat them.