Lessons on Saying Sorry 7 Dec 2019 7:08 AM (5 years ago)

As we close up 2019, I am once again at a point where I feel compelled to collect feelings compiled from the year. Needless to say, 2019 has been an eventful year. In the year of 2019, I have (in no particular order)....

Officially completed over a year of working for the folks
Switched rinks to a place where I feel comfortable coaching
Added new toys to my possession, albeit at a price tag that may not fully justify it's use
Noticed increases in credit card bills on a monthly basis
Come back full circle in realizing that I have spent too much money unnecessarily
Completed some pretty challenging but fun freelance work, of that I have to count my blessings
(This one is a first world problem) Skipped out the first year of my US travel visa
Pissed off quite a lot of people, including myself (and as a result)
Cried bucket loads of tears in frustration, bitterness, and everything else in between
Attempted (failed, and am still struggling) being plant based

I am an avid believer in going through the process.

Over the years I have observed that the only way to becoming better, is to be dragged through the mud. Through my own experiences, I began to understand what they meant by "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". This year, I found myself using the next example quite often when talking about change. I once read that the process of change/improvement is like dealing with clay. Before you can mould the clay, you have to pick it up, throw it down a few times, so that the clay becomes compact. Whether it is about policy, governance, career, or even lifestyle. There has to be that rough stage before things can begin to take shape/form.

It took a while to come to this explanation. In fact, it was not until I was introduced to Gary Vaynerchuk (Gary Vee, I'm sure most of us know who he is) that I could put these thoughts into words. When I watched the clips on his Instagram, the words he spoke rang a bell. He speaks often of "the process", and how things have to progress, that they take time. But he also emphasizes that you have to "be able to eat shit" before you can even begin to see the fruits of your work. Granted, he refers mostly to careers (which most of us struggle with), but seeing how work IS inevitably a part of life, he means life.

On midnight of 2019, I was nursing an awful migraine, soothing myself to sleep as fireworks went off around me. If you've ever had a migraine, you would know that you'd be ultra sensitive to any light, sounds, or smells. There I was, in that awful state, but I told myself that when I woke up, it'd be a new day, and that I could strive to a better me. I was not wrong. This year was a tough year of dealing with my emotions, my socials, my finances, and my life choices. For starters, I was about 4 months into my current job working for my folks, but disliking every minute of it. On top of that, I had to do the ONE job among many others that held the title of "sales". A post that I absolutely dislike, but have to do. To make matters worse, using my acting skills, I was able to rake in a considerable amount of sales, much to my surprise and dismay (that means that I was "good" at what I was doing, even though I did not necessarily like it). This got worse around the middle of the year, where I realized that I really did not like my job. Because you see, my real love is acting, with a set and crew, plus a script/story. Not only did I know deep down in my heart that I did not like it, but my body was beginning to reject it. I was getting sick often, or be overcome with exhaustion, but would still force myself to get out of bed. Day in, day out. Week after week, month after month.

Part of the process, is the heartbreak

It was also around this time that I reconnected with someone who I had lost touch with. To make referencing easy, we shall name said person M. We lost touch because I felt that my disagreement to one of their choices. The discussion became too heavy, and in a moment of disagreement, the phone call was disconnected, and left that way until I was invited out for dinner. It felt like the perfect timing, as one of my closest friends had just moved back to the US for her PhD program. I had always admired this person for their ability to give up a dream job for many, to start something of their own. I was also constantly amazed at this person's intelligence, and ability to articulate that made the person so easy to talk to. We were hanging out often, as if to make up for all that lost time. At one point, I even opened up about my work, and how suffocated I felt. I even broke down in front of others as it was such a low time.

But, like any and everything, there was a breaking point. The breaking point was when, in a moment of panic, I was removed from this person's communication. Completely cut off and removed like a piece of trash. The details leading up to the breaking point are personal between the both of us, so shall remain as such. But long story short, I felt disrespected, thus disappointed in a person who I saw so highly of. So, in response, it felt like the rest of the world was also against me. Oh, and did I mention, that work was not exactly great? It could've just been me, but it felt like office politics were beginning to get heavier around the same time.

In anger, I went to work. In anger, I showed my fangs and bit back when I felt like those around me were being disrespectful. In clear earshot of others, I raised my voice in anger as I trembled and bellowed at one colleague. In anger, I mistook another colleague's mocking, and hurt the person emotionally when I spoke up against it. In the moment, I spoke up against injustice, but in retrospect, it may not have been my place to do so. Both of these colleagues of mine were people who had known me since I was in my pre-teens. Both made upset by me, in a span of a week. As a ripple effect, I managed to upset two others.

Needless to say, I was angry. Really angry.

The key is to STOP feeling sorry for yourself

For the next few weeks, I went to work and through life, just sad. I went to work, like a zombie. Day in, day out. Silence. No laughing, no interacting, no smiling, no chit chat. I felt dead on the inside. After work, I'd go home, avoid talking to my family, and just crying in bed. Next morning, repeat. I was barely getting acting jobs, for good reason. I was burnt out, and looked like the walking dead. I needed the time to just rest. This went on for a little while. The only time I was not feeling like this was when I was coaching my kids. For some reason, the moment I stood on the ice with my skates on, with the kids, it is as if nothing had happened.

Luckily for me, last year, while attending a classmate's wedding, I made a new friend. Our interaction was short, but meaningful. Since exchanging our instagram, we would check in on one another, mostly me being checked on, because I am bad at checking in (mostly because I feel awkward in doing so). Around this time, I shared what had happened. In return, got a bunch of cool drawings, a lot of sass, and a big fat slap (much needed crude reminder) that I have to STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. Not only was I being told this, Gary Vee's content was also drumming a lot about being responsible for your own shit, and owning it.

Alright. It was time. So, the first thing I did, was chant about it. (Back story, I practice Nichiren Buddhism and am a part of the Soka Gakkai. Part of our practice is to chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo twice a day. Of course, I was slacking at the time, feeling sorry for myself. Going to bed with my own pity party instead of owning my shit). During that process, I cried a bunch, and I told myself, no more pity partying. So one by one, I began apologizing to my colleagues who I have wronged. I may not like my job, but that's all on me. No one else deserves to be yelled at. I've since made up with all but one colleague, who still intimidates me and actively ignores me. That's cool. In time, maybe.

A friend once relayed a message told by a deceased friend. The friend mentioned an observation of their friendship, that was smooth sailing. One that did not encounter arguments ore fights. "We never once fought, or got angry at one another. It's not a bad thing, it's just that it doesn't give us a sense of intimacy." "What do you mean?" "Fighting or arguing about something gives the relationship meaning. Of course, not to fight over nothing, but to have disagreements every now and then, gives the relationship a new meaning, a sense of closure, and deep understanding & bonding.

Easing out of quick sand; still stuck, but surely

So here I was, making strides and feeling victorious with my colleagues. Of course, life does not end there. In the last year, I have had a handful of discussions with my family that did not end great. In 2019, I have dedicated most of my time to staying silent when it came to disagreements in the family. But recently, in disappointment, I walked away from preparing dinner midway. Instead, opted for silence, and a dinner strike. Usually, I would raise my voice when we were all called for a family meeting. I'd be the first to chime in my thoughts and opinions. This time, my dad came to speak to me in person. While I voiced my opinion, I did my best to be level headed, to find my words, and speak them instead of yell them. I expressed my disappointment, shared my hurt, and explained that I was in no correct state to have a diplomatic discussion.

A couple weeks back, I also met up with M. This was inspired by Atypical on Netflix (a show highly recommended in my list). The protagonist, a kid on the autistic spectrum went through an agonizing period of losing his best friend over a major disagreement, but ended up saving the BFF. If an autistic kid can put aside his pride, so can I, I thought. So we met, I got an apology, and responded. As close as we once were, I could not bring myself to look M in the eye and fully look past the hurt. While pouring out my thoughts, I just looked to the side and kept my glance at the distance. Then when I was told that the ball is now in my court, I felt overwhelmed and left.

This incident reminded me of a classmate I was once close to, but who I had hurt tremendously. I would like to say it was not my fault, but I have no one to blame but myself. While we've remained civil, we can never go back to the way our friendship once was. I take full responsibility for my actions, and do not expect the person to share my desire for the friendship to go back to the way they once were. Granted, we all make mistakes, but some mistakes are meant to be made for the lessons to be learnt. Boy, did I learn my lesson. It was a heavy price to pay. The only difference is, now the roles are reversed. Even more so now, I whole-heartedly comprehend the hurt my friend received. While I've been forgiven for the hurt I've caused, it can never be forgotten.

Actions speak louder than words

No scenario is the same, thus, the significance of the apology shall follow. If I could turn back time, I would change the way I hurt my classmate. But the lesson I learnt has played a huge role in how I would like to respect, and be respected, a struggle I still face today. While I seem to have made amends with my colleagues, the best I can be is civil with my classmate. Easier said than done, it is the actions that mean most. For starters, not being a dick is the rule of thumb. No one likes a person who treats you like garbage, so why do the same to others? As kids, whenever we'd have a squabble with another person, our parents/guardians would put us in a room until we apologized to one another. Doesn't matter who was wrong, both parties were involved in this squabble, so both have wronged the other. As adults, the mere act of saying sorry is such a tall order.

A friend recently recalled something from her Social Psych class:
"Often times, people apologize for themselves, and not for how they made the other person feel". She said that we don't realize this, but when we say sorry, we go "I'm sorry. I did this because___". It's always the case when people apologize because subconsciously, we're trying to protect ourselves, by making ourselves look good. When actually, it's more harmful that way.

HUH.

While using words to say "I'm sorry" takes a lot out of one's ego, sometimes, words just do not suffice. As someone who has struggled with expressing myself, I often find myself in situations where I feel frustrated in failing to properly express my thoughts. So often times, I compensate by doing something that I feel is "nice" as a way of expressing myself. As a result, I am also acutely aware that my preference for apologies should come in forms of actions. Instead of just saying sorry, how about actually showing the other person that you're sorry? No need to beat yourself up in front of the person you wronged. Instead, show up more. Truly give it your best shot. With my colleagues, I am still in the process of checking in with them, getting to know them in little ways. All while sharing with them my favorite dark chocolate digestive cookies. It's small, but I'm hoping it's helping them slowly move past our differences.

Most of us aren't kids anymore. If you can read this, and have read this far, I'm confident that you believe that you are a grown adult, and that you can make wise life decisions. Since we're not kids who have been forced to say sorry, (based on my own personal experience), I've observed these approaches:

As painful as it was, reflect on what happened from start to current point
Sincerely apologizing for how we made the OTHER person feel
WITHOUT explaining WHY I did what I did back there
Using our actions to help all parties involved move past what happened
Understand that if the person still refuses to see you, that this person needs more time and space to be with that feeling. Pushing them for an answer/response is not going to help you/the situation
Recognizing that some things may not go back to where they were, and that's okay. We're all individual people, with individual lives. Life goes on, with or without each other

Challenge for 2020: How to piss people off, without telling them to piss off

Pissing people off when the universe is making it happen, is alright, as it is part of that growth process. So why add more fuel to the fire by being unnecessarily tough? 2019 was definitely a year filled with pissing people off. While it may not be intentional, the next course of action, at least for me, is to avoid making others feel lesser than they feel/are. We all know that once the words leave us, we can never take them back. In 2019, I've observed some new ways to be patient. My job of working in sales has also given me a new found perspective on what it means to be patient. My biggest challenge moving forward is really making the conscious effort to scream less, and listen more. A good friend once taught me, when you're listening, count to twenty before you respond. And more recently, I've learnt "W-A-I-T" which stands for "WHY-AM-I-TALKING". From my observations, I blow up often because I seldom give others the chance to finish what they're saying before I respond. Leaving me like a lobster in boiling water. Moving forward, this is something I'm going to strive towards.

A Luminous Sapphire 19 Dec 2018 5:27 AM (6 years ago)

Since it's the festive season, and as the year comes to a close, I wanted to take this little time left of the year to talk about an experience that occurred this year.

I thought I'd also accompany this story with an item I had eyed for over a year (I finally bought it after much much thought, and after keeping it in the drawers, opened it today). Said item and the story are somewhat intertwined, and I thought it befitting to show off said item.

Anyway, the story goes like this.. Sometime in the middle of 2018, I was in the process of purchasing this gorgeous fountain pen that I've been eyeing for a while. For some magical reason, the company, Benupen from Russia, had been following me on Instagram which led me to browse through their items. After a long time of oogling over the pens, I decided to gift myself with two pens from this company.

The purchase itself was smooth, with the correspondent being really helpful and informative. (Most of the interaction happened over Instagram) But what came after reminded me of just how much good there is in this world.

You see, around this time, a person close to heart was in Russia for work. Let's name the person, C. Just a little background on C: C is a foreigner to Russia, with zero understanding of the language and geography of the city. One day, C was sent out by a colleague to pick up art supplies. With only the address in hand, C was sent off to get the supplies needed for work. Needless to say, C got super lost. Despite using an Uber, C was sent to the wrong place. Poor thing didn't know what to do, and no one spoke English.

Luckily for me, I had just completed the purchase of my pens and was speaking to the correspondent about some other issues. In desperation, I asked the correspondent, Kate, to help me. (If you're reading this, Hi Kate!) Without hesitation, Kate agreed to help C. She checked C's location, got her to the supply store, called C to help with translation, then got C back to home base. All this for a complete stranger!

When C got back to the hotel, I could hear the huge relief that rolled off C's back. Oh man. I would've been just as nervous if I were in that situation. I've never met Kate, and from the sound of it, she's just a mere employee of Benupen, but she went out of her way to help a stranger that could give her nothing in return, really warmed my heart.

I know I know, you're probably thinking that this is way overdue. Why even bother talking about it after so long.. Well, to be honest, I had been wanting to talk about this for a really long time. This one day was so significant that I really wanted to make sure that I etched the time out to put this story out there.

2018 had been a rather challenging time. Not just for me, I'm sure. But I had experienced lots of changes and issues that are still playing out as the year comes to an end. This story is something that I hold dear to me, because of the immense warmth and kindness that came from it. I thought I'd just share this small but significant story.

As the year comes to a close, I shan't make anymore empty promises of a fuller blog, but I guess from time to time, I'd like to still be able to share stories that made an impact in my life. Here's to the remainder of 2018, and cheers to a fulfilling 2019.

Thank you, Kate from Benupen. I have not met you in person but I hope that if I do, I would like to give you the biggest hug.

Oh, and here is ONE of the two gorgeous pens that I bought.

Happy New Year everyone

A Love Story 2 Apr 2018 1:14 AM (6 years ago)

I want to take a moment to address something I hold truly dear to my heart.

Since the age of 4, after watching a video of figure skating, I fell in love.
I was so drawn by the grace, the beauty (yes, the costumes had SOMEthing to do with it), and fun factor I could get from spinning. Trust me when I say that I kept spinning right after that... The spinning often drove my parents insane. Haha.

After years of bugging my parents (mom), I had the great fortune in taking lessons from the age of 13. Since then, for a solid 6 years, I was lucky enough to participate in competitions and had the chance to "climb" the skating ladders until I left for university.

Fast forward to September of 2017, I was lucky enough to get a job at a rink that feels so much like home. The woman who had coached me for most of my skating years is now my "boss" and still treats me like her student. She continues to provide me (and the other coaches) training not only to become a good coach, but also to improve our skating skills.

Some days, I have really bad days, and some days, I feel like I am flying on the ice.

Two days ago, I had to tie & untie my skates so many times, until I settled with two sore feet. The kind that felt more like a tight squeeze you get from a corset, and was not really having it.

However, today in particular, was a great day:
For starters, my skates were in the perfect fit. No pain, and not too loose.
Secondly, a guest coach is visiting and today we worked on some really useful dance steps, which we then had to incorporate that into our jumps afterwards.
Granted, I fell a couple times, and I slipped even more.
But it was so fun, the hour flew by so fast, and I didn't want it to end at all.

After the training, we stayed back a little for some spins, and I saw the progress that I was making. Even after a decade of absence from the ice, finally being able to come back to where I left off was truly rewarding.

I know, lots of people don't see skating as a sport. They don't think it compares to "soccer"/ "football", or *inserts some sport*. Growing up, I have dipped my toes in many many many sports. You name it, I've tried it. Sprinting, long distance running (it didn't take long for me to say goodbye), basketball, volleyball, football (soccer), badminton, tennis, squash, high jump, American football, swimming, rock climbing, ballet, gymrama.. the list goes on. And don't get me wrong, I enjoy some of them thoroughly.. Even the ones that had me saying "THAT WAS PAINFUL" are still like little pieces of my smelly pillow etched on my little fragile heart. Looking back, I have fond memories of myself participating in those sports.

However...

Figure skating, by far, takes the cake in my sporting life, despite getting teased, made fun of, and confidently told that skating is an "easy" sport, or "not even a sport at all".
So! Like everything, even with food, I dare everyone (especially those teasers) to [come by the rink and] give it a go. I will be more than happy to watch you prove your point.

Needless to say, this sport will have a huge part of my heart. That little 4 year old that fell in love is still very very much in love. A love hate sometimes. But oh so in love.

Today was a really really good day.

I'm Changing My Name! 10 Jan 2018 9:58 PM (7 years ago)

Hello!

It's been a while.
Indeed.

While everyone is out catching up to their new year's resolutions (or taking care of the almost forgotten ones from the yesteryears), I have made up my mind.
I'm changing my name.
My insta name that is.
Psych.

This is actually something I've thought about for a while.
Like a tattoo that I don't want to regret, I knew that I had wanted a change.
M previous handle kimberleyknhe is still a huge part of me and it will thus remain the same but this name actually has a story behind it.

Over the years, we've seen an increase in 2 varying train of thoughts in regards to social media.
1. The social media norm of posting photos that reflect the surface of one's reality
2. The once social media influencers that have come out to talk about their experiences as a social media influencer and the negative effects they've faced.

So far, in my experience, I've only seen a majority of the 2 train of thoughts above.
While I do have a FB & Twitter account, I use both of them only for the purpose of work/ group activities and banking on the joy that I have so little followers that I get to just spit whatever I'm thinking. So those two social media accounts are for my own benefits than anything else.. (please do not follow me) I don't even have my birthday on there.

And it's got me thinking...
I've not seen anyone been totally honest on their social media.
So far, I've seen those Buzzfeed videos where they post "the truth" on their social media for a week.
But after that video, it's back to the usual.
To many, I'm considered to be a lazy mo-fo. I am inconsistent with posting anything, let alone being hard working in going through all the filters and stuff. At most I use Insta filters and tweaks. Even my hastags make the occasional appearance... when I feel like it.

ANYWAY.

In a very minute way, I have been a mini enthusiast of photography. Give me a DSLR and...
I will still be confused with all the manual tweaks (trust me, this is one of those things my brain just doesn't want to remember no matter how many times I've learnt it...) But give me a smart phone, or any point and shoot, and I will use the heck out of that camera.
Less is more. I like to see what angles and perspectives I can use to optimize my photos instead of buttons and pulleys I can never remember.

This got me thinking: "why not bank on that?"

Instead of posting my "best featured" photo, I will post my daily things. It can be something happy, totally sad, or even something totally honest like "I peed without toilet paper today" but my challenge is to use basic cellphone cameras to take a photo using natural elements and angles. While some of the content may be grim, I believe that it would be a more realistic expression of the human experience.

Thus... starting January 21 2018 (MYT)

My new handle will be krimgram

I don't think I need to explain the choice. It's not that hard to put two and two together.

So, if you're asking..
What's new with me for 2018?
I'm changing my name.
I hope you'll support me in my endeavor as I post something on the daily, and I hope that you would help me as I work on my basic simple photography skills!

Kim

Sidenote: this will not be and IS NOT a reveal of my private life as I like to believe that I'm a pretty private person and I'd like to keep it that way.. previous experiences have compelled me to keep my own life to myself and I intend to make that a status quo.

A Dialogue I Had with Myself 2 Oct 2017 9:15 AM (7 years ago)

A few days ago, I had a conversation with myself. It went a little something like this...

Contents have been modified to make sense of the conversation without revealing the personal bits/person(s) involved.
To make things easily comprehensible, I will name myself K & H. K for the conscious, H for the subconscious.

H: Wasn't that weird? Don't you think that was really weird?
K: Yeah dude. It was.
H: Here's the more important question. Why are you down grading yourself, why do you let yourself be the person who gives in first?
K: I don't know. I just..
H: I mean, don't you respect yourself enough to be take a step back and just let things happen naturally? Why do you always put others before yourself first?
K: ...

H: I mean, look, I get it. But don't you think that question makes sense? Don't you think you should re-evaluate your situation thus far? It only makes sense as to why your friend exit rates are this high..
K: Hey, I have people who love me too!
H: Right. But you also have some who've said goodbye and their departure still boggles you sometimes.
K: Right. I'm a terrible person. Sometimes I wonder why I throw myself at people. Especially when I start liking someone...
H: Yeah. Why do you do that..
K: I.. *sigh* This is why people can't stand me, and they leave.

H: Well, okay. Honestly, it's not your fault. No one is perfect. You... you obviously have a lot of stuff that you can improve on. But it doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes, it's just that some others are okay with you, like they know it's a part of you and they accept that its who you are. And there are some who just can't deal with you. But you and I know that you can never make everyone happy. It's a known fact. There will always be people who can look past all this stuff and love you. But sadly, for the small amount of people who do, there will be a big amount of those who won't. It doesn't make you or them a bad person, its just not meant to be..
H: I think one thing you can do is remember this.. if something comes, or like if someone comes into your life, let them. But it's also really important that you remind yourself not to beat yourself up when that same someone/something has to leave. When it's time to leave, let it. Maybe tug at it a little to gage their stance with you, but when its time, let it end.

Quick Update 10 Sep 2017 7:44 AM (7 years ago)

The days leading up to my weekend has been eventful to say the least.

My heart sorta went into overdrive, emotionally at least.
And now, is slowly stepping off the roller coaster ride and doing deep exhale exercises.

But now that that's out of the way, it is time for work.

Much much awaited work.

Starting with this little link that I had vowed to update every week but seem to only do so when my mind is off duty from work/feels/meetings/sleep/errands.
Bloody excuses.

Yep, so here is something to let you guys know that I am excited about this project that I am currently working on. It is a script, a task that has been graciously presented to me over last few days, which I had painstakingly been chugging at mentally so far. Everything feels like it's been spread out in front of me in a beautiful mess, now all that's left of it is for me to pull everything together into a flawless piece of writing.

Of course, among other things, errands and my "day job" as I like to call it will still come into play.

Meanwhile I am also keeping tabs on my emotional wellbeing, ensuring that I am taking good care of my mental health, and also to really push myself towards better physical health.

I hope you guys are also taking vigil over your health, both mental and physical.
Talk, share, experience, vent.
Even if it's to a stranger on a dating app that you'll never ever see ever again.
Do it.
Before it's too late.

So Many Things I Wish I Could Tell 유 29 Jul 2017 8:24 AM (7 years ago)

//The scariest bit about this entire thing was:

Not really knowing who to turn to

I'm not sure if July is the month of break ups,

But I've bumped into video after video about break ups,

Articles on love and preserving them

Opinion pieces and suggestion columns

About relationships, misunderstanding, and expectations

In the first week itself,

I've learnt about the assumptions exes make

Read about the biggest killers that cause make heads bake

and how love can come in the form of a bologna sandwich.

As I watch these, read these, consider these

I can't help but feel like I'm the worst to date.

//In the two weeks since our silence,

so many things have happened.

In the same time that all of these has been happening,

I had things that's got me counting my blessings.

For starters, the 3rd day from D-Day,

I got my cousin who came to wipe the tears away.

She picked me up as I fell to the ground

Propped me up in anger paired with concern

Shed tears the way she shared her compassion

Like a waterfall, resilient, strong, yet calm

She embraced me and reminded me to carry on.

In the next few days, I got booked myself an audition

I went in despite knowing that I'd be nothing but a poor addition

Then I received an email

It said that I'm a participant on a radio show

Little did I know that my demons would show their tails

As my performance level was nothing but low

Leaving me no choice but to be the first one to go.

Since the episode on at the radio company,

To be forgiving & understanding is something I've begun to see

After being eliminated, I've once again evaluated my direction

So much so, it's gotten me all fired up back into motion

//The amount of times I've been asked about marriage

has only increased. But instead of feeling silently proud that I still have you,

I've come up with snarky angry responses to get the questions to stop,

even if only for the day.

It's a week before Seoul Pride.

I had this dream that involved the church protestors.

I, along with the others were all at the bus station

I was prepping with Hayden and others to board the bus

Excited to be celebrating love, acceptance, and for being who we are

The protestors, clad in white, were waiting near us,

But surprisingly, so was I.

Since they were doing their own thing,

my friends and I just let them be.

Then when the bus showed up,

and we all boarded the bus,

we weren't alone, as the protestors also boarded.

I had plonked myself down at the very front,

as the protestors filed to the back.

In surprise, I asked Hayden "what's up with that?"

only to learn that this had been a tradition.

"They've always been riding with us in peace,

it started with only a few of them

but it grew over the years"

But even as Hayden was explaining to me,

One of the angry ahjumma protestors came up to me with a giant banner

telling me to write in to a religious magazine in protest.

Calmly, I let her finish what she had to say

then with a giant smile, legs spread wide,

I locked eyes with her and told her

"you know I'm gay, right?"

//Oh yeah, 생일 축하해.
I remembered it this year.

Here’s What’s Wrong with the Watsons Commercial 14 Jun 2017 11:30 PM (7 years ago)

Now that we’re officially in the month of Ramadan, it’s no surprise that everyone is in ad & commercial full gear. To many Malaysians, you’d probably have seen this one that stuck out like a sore thumb among them all: The Watsons Malaysia’s Raya Ni Mesti Cun ad.

It’s about 11 minutes long, features a huge team of local celebrities from various backgrounds, (which, brownie points for trying) but to be quite honest, is tremendously disappointing to say the least.

Since hitting social media on June 7th, many have come out in anger and disappointment in that

SPOILER ALERT for those of you who still have not yet seen it..

It features a character in blackface, basically to reflect filth and dirt, who is then transformed, somehow magically into a “flawless woman” after going to Watsons.

Here is what I found to be tremendously problematic, in sequence:
(It's a pretty detailed one..but I hope you read it all to the end)

1. At the very beginning, there was a narrator who had started the ad, the soft, gentle one that you usually hear on the radio. But that narration was abruptly interrupted by a voice, one that I personally found to be tremendously rude, and frankly annoying, who took over the narrative. While the take over was fine, it was the script that went into it that I found absolutely degrading. The new voice pointed out that the original narration was “boring sangat” and so this new voice was going to take over. We find out that the voice belongs to the King’s servant because

2. The servant addresses the king by “orang kaya” and obeys all his orders albeit in a seemingly reckless, clumsy manner. Perhaps this was their way of adding a comical vibe to the ad, but a useless and demeaning one in my opinion. So, is this actually about a king, or a rich man?

3. The King orders the servant to go on a search for a maiden/bride with a beautiful voice to bring a face to the voice in his dreams. Ah, yet another piece approving the objection of women to serve men, a patriarchic move. Bravo. At that point in time, I’m turned off, ready to leave the video, but the reason behind all the fuss, so I go on.

4. The entire thing seems to be set in some depiction of… a desert/ some place that isn’t Malaysia. If this was based on a Malay folklore, then shouldn’t there be tropical forests, and mountain ranges like the ones we actually have here?

5. The servant man wants to make an announcement but his trumpet guy can’t produce a grand enough sound to grab anyone’s attention. So he asks for his trumpet, gets a cuba, and mocks the size of the instrument, yet seems to play a decent short piece off it. But doesn’t even bother to explain what the instrument actually is. All of the above, tremendously insignificant, uninteresting, and uninformative, quite the contrary, in fact. Problematic to say the least. Especially when children in their formative years now heavily relies on social media as a form of out-of-classroom, watches something like this, obtains ill informed knowledge from ads like this. How can we expect them, as they grew up, to make informed and wise choices? Even if we can say that it’s just one ad, what difference does it make? Then I’d like to ask you to think about that one time someone close to you said something really hurtful. No matter how long ago that was, I’m sure it’ll surface. The same goes for kids and learning.

6. Women covered up, showing only their eyes, except the two ladies who I’m guessing are the celebrities... (okay, I don’t really know local celebs very well) Let’s be real here for a minute. Even if you’re trying to place more focus on the two characters, there are much better ways of doing so than to throw others into headscarves covering them up like that. Unless they personally requested that they remained that way on shoot as they do off set. Come on now.

7. Then came shots of women from all over the world who had heard about the news, preparing themselves for the big day. And the first part shows the change from a modest look to an emphasis on “assets”. Simply put, women are being objectified and looked at only for their bodies and their looks.

8. Not to mention, the names of countries & locations in the world had been changed for fictional reasons, but all of them depict some rather stereotypical displays of the countries.

9. With that said, one character in particular stood out as well. One of the characters was depicted to be living in the jungle, dark skinned, and bad teeth, seemingly evil, but after brushing her teeth, had sparkling pearly whites, which made absolutely no sense. She also seemed to have cleaned up really well for the competition day for she showed up in a well-put together outfit, and not to mention extra emphasis on her pearly whites.

10. Then the day of the competition arrived. All the female characters roll in one by one in their best. First to arrive is the princess of China, she looks gorgeous and glamorous, but her head piece hits the top of her podium as she’s exiting. Everyone else who came afterwards had no problems entering. If I could be so quick to assume… this was a mockery of the Chinese, perhaps? Are we playing race politics here? What’s going on?

11. Then comes the Eurasian princess who is supposed to be Rapunsel? Entering with her is also a prince, who not only seems out of place, but has to put up with the madness of the situation. I get it, they’re trying to display the fact that they understand diversity. But apparently it can only take place in the West. A poor attempt at portraying the fact that they care about diversity, especially not after they made only the “Chinese princess” bump her headpiece as another meek attempt at comedy.

12. Then comes the big moment: all the contestants compete. Obviously, they do appallingly. None of them can even carry a note. Seriously? There are people who can sing, and some who can do better. Why did they have to stoop to that level of making everyone become cringe worthy? Immensely degrading of people’s abilities, and completely unnecessary. Plus, the fact that these actors they hired to play the part, are paid a truck ton of money just to be in the commercial, is absolutely pointless.

13. On the same note, the Thai princess. It’s clearly a Thai costume, or again, some depiction of the Thai costume, but acted out by an Indian celebrity. Not only does the character butcher their traditional dance, but makes a serious mockery of it. We get your point, none of them make the cut, but again, all this was unnecessary. Also, there were lots of people on the project, I’m sure, but no one bothered to say something about how ignorant and disrespectful all of this is?

14. Then comes the false winner that was incorrectly announced as a result of “reading the results upside down”. Was this a poke at the Miss Universe pageant and the Oscars with the misread/ confused wins? How many puns had they planned out for this entirety? A low blow, really.

15. Followed by the speech by “Rapunsel”, speaking in poor BM, with an explanation that she’s mixed thus why she’s bad at BM. Another attempt at race politics? Interracial couples and children are roaming around this entire planet, feeling abused and disrespected from being bullied on the daily. But here, is being spotlighted for seemingly eternity. This is essentially saying that mocking interracial children, and even grown ups, is A-OK. Not cool man. NOT. Cool.

16. But then of course, we’ve come to the most highlighted scene of all. The beautiful voice who enters veiled. With the king being tremendously impressed by how beautiful her voice is, he assumes that she’s gorgeous too. A reflection of just how shallow people can be. So he requests for her to unveil herself to everyone. And then yep, you guessed it. BLACK.FACE. Literally, someone had spent hours in make-up, to turn this person black. All of this to reflect black = ugly = dirty. But it doesn’t end there.

17. Everyone is taken aback, shocked by how “dirty” this person is. Obviously. The king, especially, in his fear, asks “where is the lights?” What do you mean where is the lights? It’s kind of like the joke people make when taking a photo with a dark skinned person, insisting that you cannot see the person because of how dark their skin is. It’s insulting, and degrading of not just the person listening to it, but also to the person’s family, heritage, and background. Simply put: RUDE.

18. So, what is the solution for this poor girl? Go to Watson’s of course! In a jiffy after she returns, she no longer has dark skin, but also has a hair full of curly locks, and what seems a “sense of confidence” as she’s more outgoing, talking to the king and telling him that she is in fact “a flawless person”. Thanks to Watson’s. So basically, what this ad is saying, and it is THE sentiments of everyone who has seen it: if you’re dark, it means you’re dirty. Because you’re dirty, you need to clean up, and Watson’s will clean you up and turn you into a “flawless” person. In this sense, “flawless”ness is a few things. One, being “fair”, because yes, fair skin is the only skin that is beautiful. Two, long beautiful locks because you’re a woman. Three, a face full of make up, because natural beauty is just plain ugly. Oh dear. So according to Watson’s standards, anyone who has dark skin is just ugly, and have no confidence. Really, what exactly is the message are they trying to send here?

19. Just when you thought it was all over, sadly, it doesn’t stop there. Upon return from Watson’s, the king falls head over heels for her in an instant. He’s clearly smitten with her as she has the whole package, the voice in his dreams, and now the looks. So he tells her he loves her and proposes to her. Flattered, she accepts it and they “live happily ever after”. Wait sorry, what was the moral of the story again? Right, it’s that we are shallow. Everyone is shallow. Hooray. Wait, there’s more.

20. After their “happily ever after” Watsons song, the Thai queen desperately trying to get one of the other guards to marry her… This is a patriarchic stance on how women are dependent on men by being married to them, thus obtaining happiness. This desperate depiction places women as secondary to men. (I didn't notice this the first time I watched it , only when I had the conversation with someone else & saw it for the 2nd time that I saw it)

21. So in response to all the angry comments on the facebook ad, Watson’s has released an apology. Their apology states that one, the ad was based on “the legend of Dayang Senandong.. a Malay folklore about a lady who was born cursed with black skin but blessed with a beautiful voice. The legend depicts that the king fell in love with Dayang Senandong because of her voice and inner beauty. The curse was lifted after Dayang Senandong gave birth to the king’s child”. Again, another problematic statement as NOWHERE in this ad does it show that the “king in love…because of her voice and inner beauty”. None whatsoever. Also, according to a friend of mine who looked it up in the books of Malay folklore, Dayang Senandong does not exist. Maybe it did in a movie, which we can argue to be fictional as there is no proof of the existence of this very individual. Neither is it an excuse to be used as a reference for blatant racism (note the other racist bits mentioned above)

22. The statement then goes on to say “The video was shot to highlight the legend and its moral values of inner beauty and that true love exists”. I’m not sure about you, but I didn’t see anywhere in this video, true love, or moral values of inner beauty. I’m rather baffled by this particular sentence because correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t love, even more so TRUE love, the meaning of when a person wholly accepts the other for who they are? Both inside, and out? Also correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t inner beauty the definition of when a person stands proud for who they are as a person; their values, their stance, personality, character, and skills, regardless of how beautiful or how ugly others see them? In the video, it showed that “Dayang Senandong” needed a makeover the feel confident about herself. Because if she believed in inner beauty, then she would’ve marched, instead of slowly & carefully walked into the scene face first, not with her face covered. Don’t you think?

23. The apology statement ends by stating that the company takes all the feedback and comments of customers very seriously. The ad has since been pulled from social media and YouTube off their official pages. But if they really were sincere about taking the comments seriously, they would’ve issued a more sincere apology by owning up to what they had released. Instead, all we got was some half-assed-I’m-doing-this-because-I-have-to statement. Why? Because in the statement, it says that they “stand firm on the belief that unity and fairness plays an important role, and (they) respect people form all nationalities.” Well, if you did, you wouldn’t have shot the ad the way you did. If you did, you wouldn’t have approved of the script. AND if you did, you would not approve of how the entire video was edited. Safe to say, that Watson’s apology was definitely insincere through and through.

Look, I get it, we all make mistakes. The people making the ad, they’re human too. From time to time, even the best can slip up. It’s important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. As a person who has pissed off enough people in my lifetime to fully comprehend a lot more about life, I have had my share of mistakes, and trust you me, I still am making them. It has been through my own life journey of pissing other’s off that I’m learning to be more understanding, and more forgiving of the people who’ve wrong me. It is no easy journey. But one of the biggest downfalls that I believe we all have is the reluctance to own up to our own mistakes. Granted, the world is a really cold place when it comes to even accepting apologies. But when a person, no matter how bad they messed up, offers a sincere apology, it opens the room for conversation. This happens not only for those who are involved, but also to those who are mere observers of the situation. As people, we can tell by the content & tone of the apology whether it is a sincere one. When one is offered, opens up an avenue of dialogue to explain one’s opinions, and why or how what has happened is hurtful. It is important that we’re creating these dialogues, as it creates more mutual understanding, a more open space for progress and growth, not just as an individual but as a society.

Needless to say, I am severely disappointed in what Watson’s has done. The ad was one thing, but the insincere apology, and taking little responsibility for the mistake they’ve made, truly upsets not just me, but I believe many others who have both seen the video, and read the statement by Watson’s. It saddens me to say this, because many times, the service at Watson’s has been above satisfactory. But this was truly uncalled for. So until Watson’s releases a sincere apology (even better if they release a renewed ad that is all-inclusive, with zero (yes, not even subtle racism please!), I have to say that I will be boycotting Watson’s. I really hope that the people at Watson’s wake up and do something about this mess.

Excuse Me While I Work Things Out 30 May 2017 9:40 PM (7 years ago)

Three or four weeks?
Has it been?

I have been running from city to city, country to country, packing, unpacking, struggling, challenging.
I've been smiling, crying, laughing, and tearing
After being showered with a fair amount of love, hatred, hugs, and angry slurs,
Finally, I am home once again.

After drafts and drafts of stuff that are sitting in my Microsoft Word,
I've decided that none of it is worthy of the cut.
I'm sorry.

So I'm typing this, I'm propped against the mountain
A mixture of clothes, memorabilia, books, and CDs
I found myself a quote that is helping me get through this really mentally & emotionally confusing transitional period.

"Strength is happiness. Strength is itself victory.
In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness.
When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose.
But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact that you're continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being"

Excuse the absence, I will do my best to keep up the weekly posts.
For those of you who are also in some transitional period, know that there are a ton of people who are also in the same predicament. So keep going, and do what you can. But more importantly, enjoy the moments, no matter how sour, sweet, both, or anything in between.

Menstrual Cups & I 6 May 2017 2:41 PM (7 years ago)

This topic concerns not only those who bleed through their vaginas every month (women), but also those whose lives involve those individuals who do (men). Basically, this is an important talk that involves everyone, even if you think it's unrelated to you.

So read on:

Pads.

They seem to be everywhere.

They’re stuck in toilets, on the little corner of the bathroom cubicle, on the beach waiting unsuspecting beach-goers.. People can’t seem to get rid of them fast enough.

Yet they still continue to bombard us at the mall, on the tele, and on a giant pyramid at the supermarket.

Nowadays, there are so many varieties to choose from:

Perfume pads, herbal pads, organic cotton pads, astronaut suit material pads..

Companies are becoming more and more creative in how they can market their products.

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Heck, before leaving Korea, I watched as people pack bag after bag of the herbal pads (if I’m not mistaken) that seem to have caught the attention of many in Asia.

Tampons.
Invented by a man, comes in paper, or plastic holders, under another protective layer of plastic,
to be stuffed up your baby making machine, with claims of being useful for those who enjoy yoga, swimming, and "freedom". When really, those who use tampons have to be wary of the fact that they have to change their tampon every 4 hours.

But what they, or any company that has a marketing ploy to maximize profits does not tell is the harm that these commercialized products bring. Articles upon articles have flooded social media and the interwebs about the dangers of sanitary napkins; toxic shock syndrome, infections, harmful toxins that seep into the sea & soil to name a few. Google it.

Being aware of my body's reactions to tampons and overcome by my frustrations from the environmental impacts these sanitary products had, the universe had impeccable timing...

Thus about two years ago, I began my journey on Kickstarter after having observed lots of people around me buy some pretty cool stuff. One thing that caught my attention was the Lily Cup Compact. The company was creating a Kickstarter campaign at the time to release their foldable menstrual cup, as a means of helping women who are constantly on the go to reduce bulk in their bags. Taken by the entire thing, I decided to do more research into the products that was on the market. I started off with looking up videos about menstrual cups, how to use them, and people's thought on it. I mostly watched YouTube videos to get insight to understanding this alternative to pads and tampons.

Up until the time I began using my menstrual cup, I had been using sanitary pads that I felt left the least residue. I generally frayed away from using tampons as I found that my body had been rejecting them each time I did use them (my body felt tremendously uncomfortable - not because I didn't stick them in correctly from the idea of knowing that there were so much chemicals involved in the manufacturing of tampons). Thus it was a no brainer for me to make the switch to menstrual cups. It was not a small sum of investment but I will say that it was most definitely worth every single penny (cuz I purchased it in USD. HA!)

menstrual cups

drawn on a plane with no reference

& NOT to scale

My first investment was the Lily Cup Compact, and the original Lily Cup. I won't lie, the first few times using it was rather tricky but now, almost two years in, I have to say that I've definitely gotten the hang of it. While my selection of menstrual cups has been limited to one (really, you only need one for at least the next 10 years), I will say that I know a handful of people around me who can vouch for the Diva Cup.

So what is the damn hype about?
Well the menstrual cup has a variety of benefits:

It is inserted into the vagina and holds up to 12 hours of menstruation
Unlike tampons and pads, the menstrual cup does not to be replaced every 4 hours
Because this product can be reused, it significantly reduces waste that occurs from the usage of commercial sanitary pads & tampons
It is washable & free of toxins & harmful chemicals that cause Toxic Shock Syndrome/chemical leakages into the soil, seas, and water supply
It is made of high grade silicone, neither plastic nor other materials that can be potentially harmful to the body or the environment

As a satisfied customer of the menstrual cup (it fulfilled the many requirements I had for menstrual products), I would like to start a mini campaign for the women in Malaysia & Korea who are reading this:
I am currently in the country where the aforementioned menstrual cups are sold. I am offering to buy up to a total of 10 menstrual cups of your choice (one per person) that fits the above requirements and will be more than happy to bring them to you at no extra cost.
As an advocate of the use of a safer, cleaner, and more environmental friendly menstrual product, it would be my honor and pleasure to bring these products to those who are also looking for an easier & environmentally conscious alternative to plastic & toxic waste.

Based on my very rough calculations, a woman in Malaysia spends on average RM120-RM150 (the cheapest) a year on sanitary pads plus a ton of headaches and worries of staining their clothes and bedsheets.

What if I told you you only have to spend that amount for a total of 10 years?
A fantastic trade off if you ask me.

So if you're finding ways to have more money in the future for that dream travel, or to save up for that car you've been planning for, I'd be more than happy to help. As my luggage space is limited, I can only offer to bring back 10 of these badasses. So if you're interested, drop me a PM on Instagram @kimberleyknhe and we can work something out ;)

Accepting Compliments & Saying Thank You 1 May 2017 2:35 AM (7 years ago)

Accepting compliments with a simple thank you seems to be a pretty difficult thing to do for many.

In my experience, culture has been a big influence on why I would refuse compliments. Perhaps many can relate when I say that we've been taught to deny compliments as a reflection of humility.

And while having been surrounded by people who not only encouraged me take the compliment, I've had the great many fortune to understand how and why people say thank you for the compliments they have received.

For starters, there is no shame in claiming a compliment.

Even if you may not think that it fits you.

Unless you've been mistaken for another person, then it's another story.

But. Here's how I see it..

When someone compliments me on a certain thing I do I take pride in the progress I’ve made to obtain that certain skill that they are complimenting me for.

When someone compliments us, they’ve become aware that something we do is praise worthy. They’ve unconsciously acknowledged the process in which it took for the opposite party to obtain the skill/ability; thus resulting in the compliment.

Take for example my English. I had picked it up naturally by interacting with my parents and the characters of Sesame Street through my computer screen.

It’s not any said conscious effort on my part, but my parents had religiously placed in in front of the TV when those shows were playing. So when I graciously accept the compliment with my “thank you”, I am honoring the work they’ve put in to help me learn English.

One could deject and say that this doesn’t apply to having good looks and stuff, so we have to be humble about it. Well, technically, it is applicable. The beauty industry profits off of the idea that we can all look gorgeous; feeding into the fact that something as minute as a single pimple can throw off a person’s day. We spend no small sum in “putting on our faces”, be it in make up, or beauty regime, to having a balanced diet, exercise, or combination of things.

Whether or not we are aware or acknowledge our efforts, someone has.

So my question is: why do we deject the positivity that others shed on us?

It matters not whether the compliment had been sincere. If it be insincere, even better. Because by accepting the compliment, we're indirectly expressing ourselves, we're acknowledging our own thoughts, effort, and abilities.

By accepting the compliment, and giving thanks, we're doing a few things:

We're honoring all our efforts, no matter how small.
We're honoring the people behind our actions, those who have entrusted faith, and effort in us
We're reminding ourselves that we have been, and are able individuals, capable of achieving just about anything we wish to accomplish
In return, we're continuing our very own legacy, even if it may not mean anything to some (cuz let's be real, there WILL be haters no matter what we do)
Even if it does not take effect immediately, we are encouraging the complimenter to continue their own fight, and to continue the good work of bringing positivity to others by recognizing their opinions about us

There are many people I know that feel it important to be humble be refusing a compliment. While I do understand that stance, I strongly believe that it is by accepting the compliment that we continue to grow, to learn, and to constantly improve ourselves.

We accept the compliment as a little reward for accomplishing a level of success. Moving on, there is more that the world has to offer for us to grab; time to go!

Note:

There is a difference in accepting the compliment & being cocky about it. Constantly harping on the compliment does more harm than good in the long run. This, because cockiness only leaves us in a space of complacency & comfort.

Again...

We accept the compliment as a little reward for accomplishing a level of success. Moving on, there is more that the world has to offer for us to grab; time to go!

So take the compliment, say your thanks (with sincerity), and I promise you, the world will slowly start to feel a lot lighter & brighter.

Understanding Public Space (My Take on "Smoking Areas") 20 Apr 2017 9:10 PM (7 years ago)

For those of you who don't really know me, I have an avid love for sitting in open spaces.
Despite the heat, I much prefer outdoor seating. Unless it is unbearable, I will usually avoid air conditioned rooms and opt for the more eco-friendly options.

This stems from a variety of reasons:

Uno:
I don't like having to freeze my fingers in Malaysian weather. It don't make sense when it should be a no brainer that being in Malaysia entails the tropical weather that does not involve turning my fingers to icicles. No Elsas required here.

Dos:
I like the fresh air. When breezes come by, I'm appreciative. If it rains, even better. Out in the open sans recycled air, I can't help but feel more responsible to take care of the planet.

Tres:
I like to people watch. By sitting outside, I get to take in my surroundings, be it the calm hustle of the vehicles, the interaction of people that could inspire my next neuro connection, or just to zone out in daydream, watching static drives me mad.

Quatro:
No sound reverberation. Therefore, no catching unwanted attention from conversations I'm having with whoever is with me.

But unfortunately for me, I find myself in a unpleasant place when I become the recipient of second hand smoke. Despite having picked up smoking for a very short-lived time span, I always saw to it that I would keep my smoke away from others. And in the occasions that I wanted to smoke, I'd look around (and even up when I am in close vicinity to higher buildings with open windows) to stand in a way that will not affect unsuspecting second hand smoker victims.

My smoking days are long gone, but since, I've become even more sensitive to cigarette smoke. This fact comes as rather surprising taking into account that one of my favorite places to go when in Korea was a nightclub, where everyone was like a waking chimney, spewing clouds of evaporated ash in my face and into my lungs. Funnier, is the fact that I ended up gaining employment at said club.

Working there was pretty cool. I must say the experience has been invaluable to me to say the least, but walking home at wee hours in the morning in a thick coat of smoke is one thing. Despite the delectable smelling shampoo conditioner combo, my hair post shower still smells strongly of smoke is another.

So it goes without saying that I am not a fan of second hand smoke. Beyond that, is when I take a seat on an outdoor setting, only to see waves of humans coming next to me and exhaling second hand smoke. It's not the smoking I have a problem with. It is the direction in which the exhaled smoke goes.. in the general direction of my face.

In many occasions when I am vocal about it with my friends who are sitting outside with me, they tell me something around the lines of..

Kim, the outside IS smoking area.

While yes, lots of people do go outside to enjoy a smoke because most people prefer sitting on the inside where the air-conditioning in the heat, there is a small but present handful of people that ARE outside enjoying the non air-conditioned indoors.

Being on the outside, be it on a beautiful veranda of a cafe, or at a high table at the entrance facing the main road, outside space is meant to be shared. Whether or not you're smoking, it's a public space to be used by all. I like to equate getting undesired second hand smoke in my face (as a result of choosing outdoor seating) with a stranger asking your personal questions in your face out of no where. Take for example, you're outside, waiting for a friend to arrive, or having a really intimate moment of listening to your friend pour their upset heart out, when suddenly, a random person comes up to your ears, and starts asking your personal questions. Granted, smoke not as intense. However, to those who do not smoke for various, valid reasons, but being given an unrequested and unwelcome gesture can get under one's skin. Especially when it keeps happening in various places in one day.

I believe that we're all aware of the dangers of smoking, and those who still do so have their reasoning. Thus, I do not condemn those who do. (Though frankly, I do wish that they re-evaluate their choice. As the health effects of smoking will in turn bring a lot of pain to those they love, I do hope that they'll re-evaluate the worth of smoking.) However, I think it's important that those who do are considerate of the people who also want to enjoy the open without the scent of recycled cigarette smoke.

Update: #TurkishAirlinesSaveSomalia 14 Apr 2017 8:46 PM (7 years ago)

So a couple posts ago, I talked about how famous social media funny man Jerome Jarre posted a video to start a campaign to get supplies to Somalia.

What happened?

A six-year old girl died from dehydration after walking 150 kilometers in search of water with her mother.

Enraged by that situation, he started a campaign with #TurkishAirlinesSaveSomalia.

A handful of celebs have come forth in support of the campaign.

And….

YAY!

Turkish Airlines has come forth with a pledge!

On March 27^th, their GoFundMe page raised a hefty sum of donations and have already started their shipment of both passengers and 60 tonnes of food which include rice, cooking oil, porridge (I am guessing the oatmeal kind), nutritional biscuits, flour, and sugar. They’ve also promised that they will not stop at just that.

On the GoFundMe page is an excited exclamation

Not only they are making available a full cargo flight that can fly 60 TONS OF FOOD, but they agreed to let us ship food containers on their commercial aircraft to Somalia, UNTIL THE END OF THE FAMINE !!!

Jerome Jarre has also offered thanks to every single person who donated.

INTERNET YOU DID IT !!! 💪

WE HAVE AN AIRPLANE & WE HAVE FOOD !!!

WHAT IF WE COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING?

➡️ #NominatedForSomalia 🚨 pic.twitter.com/lIDq5geWV9
— JÉRÔME JARRE (@jeromejarre) March 19, 2017

Actor Ben Stiller has also offered his charity StillerFoundation to manage the funds, and also to ensure transparency of the funds.

Ah, humanity has been restored.. just a little.

Have a fantabulous weekend guys!

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What YouTube's Restricted Access Has Taught Me 6 Apr 2017 10:06 PM (7 years ago)

Not too long ago, YouTube created a Restricted Mode with aims of limiting child access to certain videos has caused an uproar.
A good friend and LGBTQIA+ YouTuber posted on their Instagram about the restriction and was definitely displeased about the news. As an advocate, ally, and member of the community, they were upset that YouTube made the decision to restrict their videos to not only those within the community, but as a means of creating dialogue with those who have varying understanding of the community, and to educate and encourage those who are struggling with their own understanding about themselves.

Lots of content creators have found their content unrightfully removed; videos that educate/ help were taken down to appease some,

while those that have innuendos were not..

(Singer sisters Tegan & Sara put it so poignantly...)

It comes with no surprise to say the least, that the huge uproar has resulted in YouTube coming forward with new statements regarding the issue:

"We recognise that some videos are incorrectly labelled by our automated system and we realise it's very important to get this right. We're working hard to make some improvements"

So it got me thinking

about censorship, especially in Malaysia where I am now located, and have spent most of my living breathing life in..
In retrospect, listening to the radio (which consisted solely of English radio broadcasts), most of what comes to mind is a lot of mainstream music that would blare on the speakers of the car speakers. And there would be some songs that I would sing and then somewhere somehow when a specific word was originally in that song, would be just the sound of..

BLANK.

Those in Malaysia would know what I mean. You'd be listening to a song and then mid verse, a pause where a word is supposed to be. Sometimes if there are a few, you'd just hear pauses one after another.
So teenage me would go...

"I kissed a *blank* and I liked iiiiit. Taste of her cherry chapstickkkkk"

Ah, naivette times.

Anyway, back on topic.. from my memory, anything related to sex or anything "abnormal" including anything LGBT related, or profanities, would be blanked out like that. Then, as time went by, something as simple as "Hail ~~Mary~~" and "~~Jesus~~" would be blanked. I've not heard the word "Buddha" get censored thus far, but I'm curious to see if that would happen.
Since my return from Korea, I've had the privilege of listening to songs that have been warped into some funky inaudible language with the aim of censoring profanities/vulgarities.

ONE:

Censoring is one way of preventing the youth from the misuse of profanities, bullying, and violent behavior. But in my opinion, it does nothing to actually ensure the prevention of disrespectful/degrading behavior. Quality education and upbringing is. This takes me back to a conversation I once had with my neighbor about using profanities. He told me that profanities when used appropriately, can help further emphasize the meaning of what is being said.

Example:

I'm so hungry.

I'm so fucking hungry.

He told me that as a kid, his dad had explained to him that profanities are also part of one's vocabulary. They are alright when used to accurately reflect one's thoughts, that he could use it ANYTIME. Except for one: on others. If used to degrade someone else, then the meaning has been misused and misunderstood.

Going back to the issue of LGBTQ censorship, I don't think that YouTube made right by creating the censorship. What I think should be corrected is the way we educate our children, to teach acceptance, respect, and love. Not to preach discrimination, anger, violence, and hate.

Looking at the education I had growing up (in Malaysia), our education system still has a long long way to go. If Moral Studies involves children and teens WRITING DOWN the CORRECT moral "value" of a situation, while forcing students of varying faiths to eat in the bathrooms, away from those who are fasting, then we are preventing our own growth and progress through oppression and censorship.

In sum: a quality education is one where the learner is taught how to be critical on themselves, and not projecting one's negativity on others

TWO:

Censorship to a certain extent is healthy. Especially when it comes to shielding sexual activities such as pornography from young children. As children, they should do what one does in childhood. That is to play, interact, and see the world through play, experience, and exploration. Getting out and about, in the fields, mud, planes, boats, playgrounds. Through their exploration is where they will have questions, where we, those with our unique experiences as grown ups, shed light through our own experiences.

LGBTQIA+ videos for the most part are made with the hopes of providing guidance, encouragement, and support to those who have questions. Regardless if you're in or out of the community. Their aims are never to place harm on others. Granted, there ARE a small handful who do not do so, but even those do not deserve censorship. Not only because there should be freedom of speech, but also to create a ~~hate speech~~ dialogue to build each other up.

In sum: Let children do what they do best, have fun. Censorship can be healthy if it gives children the space to go out and learn through interaction and exploration, to prep them for life, not to control and oppress.

As an avid user of YouTube, as I am sure many of us are, I am disappointed to say the least at YouTube's decision. But I am also hopeful that we can all come out and voice our frustration that is respectful and one that encourages us to take a step back to listen and to be listened to. As for the radio waves here in my home country, I also think that we should start rethinking the meaning of censorship and the roles we play as a society and a community.

Are we teaching children to think, or have we become numb to the "education" that aims to teach us how to obey and memorize moral values instead of applying them in our daily lives?

#TurkishAirlinesSaveSomalia 15 Mar 2017 9:26 PM (8 years ago)

Often times, I watch the media and the kinds of atrocities that happen, but for some reason, I always can't help but feel helpless, for there isn't something I can do that will provide immediate & full relief to those affected.

But this morning when I woke up and was flipping through Instagram, I saw this one post with the hashtag #TurkishAirlinesHelpSomalia and I was wondering what it was. So I Googled it, here was what I found:

As of this morning, nothing was up..

I had to get out of bed so I shrugged and went about my day.
Then in my effort to procrastinate, I went through a group on FB for travelers and landed on this video:

For those of you who are kinda lazy to watch it, it's by one of the most well known humans on the interweb, Jerome Jarre. In this video, he's speaking in French, clearly upset.

He's talking about how a friend of his sent him a video of a little girl who was dying of dehydration after having to walk 90 miles for water. After expressing his disbelief at the situation, he goes on to talk about how this issue can be easily resolved:

Using an airlines to fly all the food and water to Somalia.

He mentions that everyone is on social media, from food corporations, drink corporations, to airlines. So he suggested that we all play a role and fill up the planes with food supplies to Somalia.

He then explained that Turkish Airlines is ONE airlines that flies there, and invited everyone to get Turkish Airlines to respond with an answer. So when I started this post, I looked it up again and it seems like things have changed.

this looks promising.

Even Ben Stiller has shown his support

It's cool to see that people are posting these hashtags, and I see lots of people sending out tons of ideas. Someone also said "why don't we buy out the seats and just fill them with food?" I think it's a cool idea and I'm excited for that to happen.

The reason why I'm talking about this is because I'm reminded of something my father once told me about lending money. Lots of people will ask you for money, but don't give them money. Instead, ask them if they're hungry and buy/make them food.

Thus why I'm talking about it and want to do something about it.

I've done my hashtag #TurkishAirlinesSaveSomalia here and want to encourage you to do the same, on all of your social media.

Throw in ways that you think will be inclusive of all donors & donations, the airlines, and most importantly those deprived of human's most basic needs.

Hello, It's Me. 26 Feb 2017 11:26 PM (8 years ago)

Alright.

I've been meaning to sit down and face my laptop as I update you on what's occurred in my life since my last post in September. That was when I posted about how proud I was of myself for applying to a job in Google.

Lots and lots have moved, changed, and moved out since then. So I've rounded them up into 10 things:

My plans in Korea have shifted due to some unfortunate circumstances and I have relocated back to my home in Malaysia. Lucky for me, I've had to move out of my place in Korea so I don't have any outstanding bills to deal with.
Since the end of my school semester, I have been applying for jobs, going to interviews, and then getting rejection after rejection. At one point, my bank account was so low, I had to take up a job busting tables at a nightclub.
My colleagues & boss at the club had taken very good care of me, but after my last job hunting stint, which resulted in me remaining in Malaysia, I told myself that as much as I enjoyed being in Korea, I do not want to risk my stay by working without the appropriate paperwork.
With that said, my family has had the misfortune of having to bare the brunt from my Airbnb rental (which sadly, is still unresolved), and the upgrade fee that went through the day before my flight (you're welcome, MAS haha jk)
Slamming the breaks to all of the employment mess, all the traveling & Chinese New Year celebrations, I am now pursuing a career in the field that I am most passionate about: performing arts. I've begun my process of going for auditions and to casting houses for potential jobs. One of which you may or may not have seen on my Facebook (if we're friends).
While I'm in the process of doing so, I'm also doing some other work on the side to feel productive & to earn money. With a new determination to write more & to practice my craft.
I miss Korea loads & I wish that I was there. But I am still feeling pretty stoked about what the future holds now that I've made the decision to start pursuing something locally and moving outwards.
I am friends with the person I was seeing previously, and it's been a pretty weird adjustment. But all in good vibes. I've let go and was given the opportunity to speak my mind, so there's no bad blood at least on my part.
I'm kinda nervous about saying this next bit cuz I don't usually announce things like this, but I am really excited to say that I've been seeing someone and I am over the moon about it.
Last but not least, my hair is back to black again.

In a nutshell, that is what's up with my life.

For those of you who've been checking in on me, from the bottom of my heart, thank you thank you thank you.

For those of you who are still religiously swinging by for updates, I'm sorry. But thank you for your kind kind patience. I have been experiencing life, accumulating stories, and compiling them to retell them to you in time to come.

Please bare with me while I seek balance of my footing in this new & exciting journey.

Thank you once again.

I Applied for a Job at Google 24 Sep 2016 1:06 AM (8 years ago)

I applied for a job at Google.

This just happened a second before I began writing this.

But today, after a renewed confidence, I decided it was time to really push myself to get the job I really want so I am able to stay in Seoul with a job that fits every single criteria.

I started by fixing up my résumé. After writing up my Korean résumé (CV, more like), I was beginning to feel as if there was a lack of something. I wasn't putting in as much information as I should and I had limited myself to keeping my résumé at only 1 page. As a fresh college grad, that seemed acceptable. But now that it has been a good 3 years, it was time for a revamp. So I did a quick Google search:

My god. This whole time I was wondering WHY NO ONE WANTED TO HIRE ME.

Silly Billy.

So there I was. I saw the job at Google that finally fit my abilities: language.

And sat there revamping my résumé. Afterwards, in the bottom most section of the application there was a Cover Letter section stating that there was no need for one. But I still felt the need to write one so here it goes:

While one's work experiences and success stories are a positive indicator of one's success, a bigger, more significant but forgotten trait is one's daily practices. In a society where work has become a sole index of one's success, many have become blinded to only one's financial stability as a means of achieving success. Upon achieving financial stability or status, many become cold and inattentive towards their contributions as a member of society. Enthused neither by the need to make small contributions such as helping an elderly member cross the street, nor bigger contributions such as fighting for equal rights. Many have become blindsided by the need for comfort and status, thus becoming mere observers instead of taking a stance and helping others. "To create a steady stream of global citizens that contribute to society" was the motto of Soka University of America (SUA), my alma mater of four years. A university founded upon Buddhist principles, Soka means to create value in Japanese. As a result, the students who attended SUA were constantly encouraged to seek the bigger pictures in daily life. Students were challenged on a daily basis to apply all the learnt knowledge towards their daily lives, and in the long run, towards contributing towards causes for an equal and peaceful society. Despite my initial negativity and rejection, by the end my four years at SUA, I carried a heart overflowing with appreciation and gratitude for the four marvelous and life altering years. The four years at SUA were challenging to say the least as it was a balancing act between two athletic sport practices, extra-curriculum activities, a part-time job, while overloading on classes. On the flip side, never having obtained a good grades throughout all my academic years, SUA made a once pessimistic student enthusiastic about learning through their interactive and integrative environment. All the classes offered many room for personal and academic growth by nurturing students' innate curiosity and drive. For example, Physics lessons were not about how well one could do the calculations. Instead, students were told to put themselves in the shoes of the first scientists by asking the question "what can I do to find the solutions to these questions?". Then, after seeking out the solutions, students were asked how they were able to transfer these skills toward understanding culture, society, and systems. Then, through comprehension, to revisit and revise methods in improving the justice systems, education, the environment, and ultimately, society. As a proud alumni of SUA, I believe that the invaluable education and lessons I have obtained during my four years serves as a beneficial addition to my experiences. Keeping my alma mater's motto close at heart, I am confident that I will serve as a valuable addition to Google as a Language Specialist team.

But really, Google, if you're reading this (since blogspot IS under Google and I'm sure you have access of this), I felt the strong need to talk about SUA and how that has shaped me as who I am today. And to SUA, I want to say a big fat

for playing such a magnanimously beautiful part of my formative years (I am a late bloomer you see).

Thank you for having so much faith in me and for pushing me while teaching me all I need to learn.

Regardless of whether I get this job, I am truly proud to have been able to apply for this job and the process it took for me to also share my appreciation for my alma mater and all those who were, and still are a part of this amazing institution.

I tilt my head off to you and to Google, I say, thank you as well for opening up this opportunity for

me.

Good evening.

3 Months in a Nutshell 22 Sep 2016 7:00 AM (8 years ago)

Wow crocodiles.

I can't believe it has been 3 months since my last update. So much has happened since I thanked my beloved father for his endless dedication to making our family's lives a happier, healthier, and more comfortable one. Once again, thanks dad! In real life though, I had JUST gotten off the phone with our family man too so I'm feeling extra filial atm.

Any Hooters.

As I was saying, a shit ton has happened since my last post. And after what happened today, I think it was most definitely due time for a much much anticipated & needed update.

So Kim, what happened today?

Glad you asked, Chip!
But before I go into that, let me just really quickly run through what has occurred over the last 3 months:

1. For starters, yours truly had so much fun in Level 6. Oh man. The workload sure was something! My classmates, fellow Level 6-ers, and I were bombarded with Power Point presentations (which I always made extra effort for, even if we only got 1 damn point for it), group presentations, prep work, or some sort of extra point big presentation (where we took up certain roles or did something big like have an official interview with video/audio recordings), not to mention, the workbook exercise that seems to come too quickly on top of our essays, readings, and well, you get the picture.

2. I had the usual work of tutoring my 6 year old student. Which has been fun as usual.

3. Level 6 ended finally! And while all my examination points (which included the Reading, Writing, Speaking, and Listening section) added up to give me a pretty good grade in total, I was unfortunately not given a "graduation certificate". The reason being, for each section, there was a minimum grade to be achieved. Sadly for Kim, her Reading grade was not met. Thus, making Kim unworthy of the certificate. To which I was rather disappointed (let's be real, who wouldn't be, right?), but came to terms with. I've accepted it, and I also have come to understand that I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I know Korean because...

4. I translated 2 whole experiences from Korean to English all on my own. With literally no help. Only for certain words that were absolutely foreign (specific terminology that they don't really teach you in school) so yay! See what I told you?

5. Telling people (especially my parents) about me not passing Level 6 was not very fun because for my parents... Wait, funny story actually, my dad was under the impression that I was in grad school or something T_T (aww..) but of course I explained it to him and he was REALLY sweet about it. He understood it and, like many of my concerned friends asked: "well, are you gonna take the exams again?" The answer is, no. Simple: If I were to do so, I'd have to retake the classes. Do EVERYTHING (in Level 6) all over again, all the presentations, group work, etc, AND THEN take the exams again. Nah. Not worth the time, money, not effort. So instead...

6. When my roommate (who is now in Level 3) started classes, I got her to buy me the reference book for Level 6 to help me understand what I still struggle with. Self help. Yas.

7. But of course, now that Level 6 is over, I have begun to live on my savings and have been job hunting like a mad woman. The initial hunt was dreadful. There were too many jobs that rejected me from the get go with conditions stating "NO SPONSORSHIP WILL BE PROVIDED" or they were jobs I had ZERO expertise in such as engineering.

my sentiments exactly.

8. When I did finally find jobs I could work, it was either unpaid (yeah, cuz I feed my hungry tummy with rays from the sun), or strictly no visa sponsorships will be provided

9. I celebrated my birthday! YAY! I'm out of the quarter life mark, aka no more crisis.. Maybe..?

10. Until one day when I was going to meet a friend to discuss some potential YouTube stuff, she led me to the company on the pretense that I was going to work for them & had an impromptu interview. Then after an hour listening to the CEO tell me what my process was going to be (which was 3 month probation then full time job with visa sponsorship), I was honored the privilege of hearing him yap away about the potential and how he would love to help me grow, I applied to that company after taking a full day trying to figure out what to say for my "cover letter" which was basically answering a ton of questions which leads me to today

11. I got called in for a 2nd interview today, and I showed up on time (remembering how the CEO said his BIGGEST pet peeve was tardiness), actually I showed up early to avoid all that, but for starters, he wasn't even in (oookay). So instead the "Team Manager" interviewed me. He was a lot less friendlier than our first meeting (which included ALL three company heads ie Mr Team Manager) which should have been a tell tale sign. Next, he seemed to be in a rush for something but was patient enough to give me the time of day by asking me if I had any questions. Which I did and fired away. The answers I got back were all starting to match my criterion about my job hunt. They're pretty straightforward:

Visa sponsorship
A job in the field I was passionate about (which is entertainment and they WERE an entertainment company)
One that'll develop my skills, knowledge & experience
Friendly, equal, healthy, happy work environment
Good pay

Of these 5 conditions, most of them were met. Maybe not so much the pay for now, but being in a 3 month probation period, you don't wanna overcompensate, I get it. The money should last me for those 3 months. So, of course, there was a part of me that was like "NEHHHH too good to be true". But off I was, looking for the right visas to apply for to begin this process. However, I came to an impasse. I would either apply for a 3 month temp work visa (for the probation period), or if I already have an annual contract, to just get a full employment one. That's when I found out that my probation period was not 3 months as stated in the 1st impromptu interview and the interview today, but was FIVE months. Confused I corrected him only to get a firm denial stating that they said FIVE months. Still confused, I messaged the CEO in the group chat, recounting the ENTIRE thing from our impromptu till the very last message.

The response I got from the CEO was: "Well, I believe that I said our probation period was FIVE months." But my friend having been there during our impromptu, chimed in and vouched that he DID say 3 months. Only for him to say "well, looks like there has been a miscommunication between the speaker and the listener. But let me say this. In Korea (IN KOREA), the probation period for workers is 3 to 10 months (man, no wonder Korea has a high rate of suicide), and for our company, the probation period is 5 months. So after all the back and forth, my friend called me and said, Kim, just let it go. They're not being fair. So just thank them for the opportunity, explain that 3 months would've worked (realistically speaking) but 5 months is just too much of a strain. So I explained just that and thanked them for the opportunity and left the group chat.

So obviously this news had to go to my parents.

After listening, mom's advice was:

"ALWAYS write it down. Then at the end of the thing, repeat it so you're both in the same understanding"

Dad called me separately to remind me that this wasn't the end of the world. He reminded me that there are always better things out there that are waiting for the perfect timing. He reminded me not to despair and to keep my head up as tomorrow is a new day. Them being in Europe, he still kept his child in mind and told me to call it a night so I am fueled for the next day.

Needless to say, this was a valuable lesson. Both mom and dad have their valid points. But tomorrow is a new day. So I shall just focus on that. But I hope that my situation has also shed some light on your own experiences and life. I hope that you don't do the same mistakes I do. Or, DO. Because it is through these mistakes that we remember and when have something to laugh about, as a reminder of how far we have come.

Looking at today, I can say that I am blessed to have parents that are so kind and understanding. Patient in listening to their daughter while also being encouraging without pressuring me. An experience I truly admire, and appreciate. Thus, I felt the strong urge to share it with you, my fellow readers & comrades in life.

To that, I say cheers. On to bigger, better things.

Good night.

12. Oh I'm also cat sitting and am starting to get the hunch that the owner doesn't really want it anymore..? HAHA

To My Superman, Dad 19 Jun 2016 5:43 AM (8 years ago)

One of my earliest memories I've had was me in my little red pinafore around the age of 4/5 going to a Chinese kindergarten. Then, the uniform was as such that little girls had to wear red pinafores to school. And the only thing that I can recall about that dark dark time (in my opinion pretty darn dark because I could speak zero Mandarin then), besides peeing my pants in front of everyone, was my dad in his necktie, carrying me as I cried and said I didn't wanna go to school.

Another memory I have (though I can honestly say with full conviction that I have ZERO memories of this) of my dad and I is this one photo of me when I was a tiny little baby. He was holding baby me by the back of my neck while propping me up by my bum.

I remember seeing that photo for the first time when I was about 11 or 12 years old. It's actually my dad's favorite photo of me. For as long as I can remember, my dad has always talked about it. He must really like that photo haha.

But enough about all these little snippets of memories. As I write this, looking back today in retrospect, I can't quite recall my dad being very vocal about things. When it came to punishing us, mom was always the one in charge. Whenever it came to us asking the parents for permission, it was always/ mostly through mom's approval. Dad seldom got mad, but instead would get impatient. He'd get impatient when we would get ready to go out to eat. He was always (even till this very day) the first to be downstairs and ready to head out. It's as if his insatiable love and passion about food motivates him to be on his toes, ready for his feast. He wouldn't say it but I guess deep down we all knew that dad was just tremendously excited to be trying out the new restaurants that he had heard about (especially since it was all word-of-mouth then). Needless to say, dad's true love, besides mom, was food. But that love was also translated in the fantastically amazing yet simple cooking. Both my parents are amazing cooks and I've learnt so much from the both of them. Growing up, I always remember dad in his apron & his top off, cooking for us but also calling out to me to make sure I'm standing next to him so I could "learn how to cook". He used to follow it by saying "I tell you ah, next time it'll come in handy when you go to university". And actually, it was my dad who taught me how to cook for the first time in my life. The first thing I learnt how to cook (instant noodles do not count) was fried eggs.

I was about 8 years old. It was a Sunday morning, and the night before, dad had told me that he was going to teach me how to fry an egg. Then, we lived in a house where our "wet" kitchen was actually not within the house. But sorta adjacent to the kitchen door (we had 2 entrances to the house, one the main door, which was used when guests came/ late at night, the other, the kitchen door). I used what felt like a giant kuali and fried my first ever egg. I remember that morning, I was so excited to learn it that I sprinted down to fry the egg and started without my dad (I had seen the adults do it so many times I figured it was a piece of cake to do it myself. And of course, SUCCESS!) then as I was almost done frying my first egg, he appeared and said that it looked good! I could remember the overwhelming feeling I got from a successful fried egg + dad's approval + most importantly, not killing myself haha. Right afterwards, he got me to fry 4 more & I was more than happy to do so. Possibly one of the best days of my life, etched in my memory for the rest of my life.

Dad was always excited about food. He taught my brother and I how to eat steak, salmon, to use cutlery properly, and even why it's important to know how to use chopsticks. Since we (my brother and I) were young, he and mom had always done everything in their power to make sure that we were well exposed to various kinds of tastes, cultures, and backgrounds. If you know me well enough, you'd know that I'm always super down to try new things. Be it foods, books, activities, or even fashion styles, I'm always down. And it's all thanks to my parents. My parents also made it a point to get both of us to learn how to do menial tasks. From whistling (this is also another one of my favorite memories! But I'll save that for another time), to changing a light bulb, dad (& mom) taught us to how to buy newspaper from the uncle downstairs without being scared. Now you know where I learnt how to do so many things.

So today, I honor not only my father, but both my parents for being supportive of one another, and for teaching me that both mom and dad are equal. What mom can do, dad can as well. Vice versa. Growing up, I never saw the binary of what men should only do, etc. Instead, I saw both my parents on equal playing fields as men & women and I'm tremendously grateful for having such fantabulous parents like these two individuals (although like every human being, they have their flaws and I can't stand them sometimes -They, me too, I'm sure-) but both of them have taught my brother and I ample things that many seem to take for granted.

So thank you, mom & dad. Thank you for being such superheroes!

Love ya!

Cookie Monster Cleans 17 Jun 2016 4:23 AM (8 years ago)

It is official crunch crunch Cookie Monster on a binge crunch time for Kim.

I have completed week 1 of my final quarter/ semester of Korean classes and the search for a job has become more urgent than ever.

And so, if you haven't already done so, you'll know that if you type my name in on Facebook, you'll see my beautiful face. Annnddd before you ask "wait, Kim, didn't you...?" to which I shall respond. HOLD YOUR HORSES. It's on for a reason. I needed to contact humans urgently and so had it on. But I also remembered that my previous self had joined groups for non-teaching job seekers and had been browsing for potential jobs. That and only that reason. I use it neither to stalk, post, nor scroll newsfeed at all. NADA.

And in my search for jobs, I found this company that said they were constantly looking for people to write for them. And so I emailed them with my samples from my previous job alongside my Twitter & blog. After 3 days of back and forth emailing, this came...

Needless to say, I am rather excited. In one of the emails, the said person had informed me that they're launching a new magazine that is looking to explore an area of luxury in Korea. This gets me excited, not only because I get to continue working on my craft, but I get to do some work that I really really enjoy. It's been a while since I got to go out and do work like this, and so this gives me immense joy. I really hope that things work out.

But despite all this excitement, the hunt is still on. I still need a work that'll provide me with a visa to stay in Korea for the long haul. So before I strap on my invisible I shall be undefeated! bandana, excuse me while I go deep clean my bathroom.

A Bizarre Spiritual Encounter 16 Jun 2016 2:24 AM (8 years ago)

I had the most bizarre event happen to me today.

It was a nice, cool day out, with winds, and some soft sunlight that greeted me as I waiting for my student to arrive home from school for her English tutoring (I did this outside the building, the waiting, I mean).

As I listened to the husky, caressing, sweet voice of Adele, I stood basking in the sun, taking in the soft tinge that was accompanies by the gentle breeze that made me feel like I was meant to be on the cover of a magazine. In that moment, I was lost. My mind empty, filled only with the voice of Adele, my senses that welcomed the flapping dark teal cloth that made up my pants, and the soft rays. But in that moment, as I admired the welcoming warmth of the sun, I somehow felt this pull towards it. As if my spirit was nudging it's way out of my body toward the sun, following the wind, up up away towards the warmth.

It was a strange feeling, as if my spirit wants to be removed from my body (naturally, of course, not from any freak accidents or any of that sort), into another state of tranquility. I'm not sure if this was my first time, in my accounts, I remember that I'm rather poor at recounting certain events that have occurred in my life. But today, in my blue/green attire, I felt my spirit move, like an unclear signal on 80s colored television sets, nudging in and out of frame.

It was at that moment that I recalled and perhaps had a slightly better comprehension of the saying "died of a broken heart". In my opinion, it's not the broken heart that's caused the death, but more like the sudden immense appreciation of nature and the environment around one that has been channeled from the pain that causes one's spirit to leave this concurrent world. As if signaling for the ethereal.

Afterwards, I was very tired physically, and somehow was at a loss for words. As if that episode drew all the energy I had left for the day.

3 Weeks, Out. 13 Jun 2016 3:11 PM (8 years ago)

Over the last three weeks, I took a hiatus.

Only contacting people who I wanted to see, an attending events/doing things that I really wanted to do. I crossed off bucket lists, added to my own "criminal" reputation (it's just a speeding ticket haha I'm mocking the officer who said the speed I was at minus 7mph was criminal haha), visited quite a good amount of places, and all on my own expense.

In the last 3 weeks, I had the marvelous privilege of watching a fantastic author receive his honorary doctorate degree from Yale, meet up with fantastic individuals, cozied in with some amazing people who treat me like family, have chats with my former professors, bawled my eyes out to people who then smothered me with hugs, love, encouragement, and a refreshed sense of determination & heart, and basically, have the rare opportunity to have heart-to-heart conversations about life, and emotions. In the last 3 weeks, I cried, laughed, sang, hugged (A LOT), talked, and listened to so much, that I feel prepared again for what's to come.

Instead of bombarding you with all these words, I'll just leave some of these here...

when you go get Kickin' Crab and the soccer match is on

Petrified of Marriage 13 May 2016 6:11 AM (8 years ago)

It's pretty fucking insane how rapidly things change.

Last month today I was not feeling my best. I was struggling so much to keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything was alright even though deep inside all I had wanted to do was to just make everything stop so that I could be liberated from this pretty crappy feeling.

Today, tonight as I sit on my already sore butt typing this up, I carry with me a better sense of emotional liberation. I sit here tonight inspired by the idea of change as I recount the moments that have occurred over the last week.

If you know me, you'll know by now that I have this thing about marriage that may or may not be insanely surprising to many. With a major love for weddings and all the novelty it brings, I'd love to have a beautiful wedding. However, I have a stance on marriage, on how I actually do not want to get married. The idea of settling down with someone for the rest of my life actually terrifies me. And this week, I was faced with a closer reality of that fact.

As you're well aware, someone broke up with me in February. I'll leave out all those details and go straight to what I need to talk about (but granted that 1st sentence is related). After that spiral that sent quite the shock waves to quite a few people in my life, I was still spinning like a headless sheep that had been put in those spinny cups with a head of it's own.

But over the last 2 weeks a friend of mine had been bombarding me with photos of a person she dubs to be "FUCKING AWESOME". Not gonna lie, the initially really really uninterested me turned over after my friend did a good job in telling me about this particular person. It didn't take too long because my friend had me at *inserts quality*. Though I was kinda blinded to that until probably the 3rd time my friend mentioned it. And yeah. My friend was right. I did some Social Network Background Check and man, this human is pretty cool. Not to mention, I am really attracted to someone who speaks well (because I know I'm still really clumsy with words). So in my Social Network Background Check, I was convinced that this was the first human being that caught my attention via vocabulary.

Haha can you imagine? Ooooh, a good plethora of vocab. Yas.

But anyway, my point is, that after becoming distracted by this pretty cool person, my emotions kind of started recollecting themselves. Pretty quickly, I was feeling an euphoric sense of emotional freedom. Detached from the shackles that had been tying me down over the last few months. I began focusing a lot more on my tasks, and managed to also not give up on the video contest (after I found myself with nothing literally the day before submission) and not only film, but edited everything myself. A small feat that I now feel really proud of (doesn't even matter if I win or not). In this week itself, not only was I actually singing and dancing on the streets (in replacement of the painful tears that would roll down my cheeks uncontrollably) I actually binged listened to Coldplay, as if I was Alex and Maia Shibutani ice dancing to Fix You.

Waking up in the morning is still a challenge but I've noticed how I care more about what I put on my body and how I could use my wardrobe to express myself. I also managed to prepare food & gifts for a bunch of people whom I love & respect a whole lot. To top that off, I've managed to book a human for a rare lunch date (okay granted I'm not the only one going on this date but yo, it's a): MAJOR accomplishment!

It's been about a week now since my friend introduced me to that affluent ahem I mean fluent (we're talking REAL fluent) person and my life took a mini instant booster. My feelings towards the person who broke up with me? Well, they're still there. Are they still lingering? Yes. Without a doubt. I'd like to say fading but I want to give myself a lot more time to make sure that those feelings are genuinely fading before I make any official statements regarding my drastic emotional changes.

But that's what scares me though. The fact that I can feel so much hurt for a good 2 full months and come to this very point right now where I'm questioning my emotions because of how joyous I feel. Thus, why the idea of marriage petrifies me. If I can feel so liberated so quickly following the acceptance of a photo & characteristics of a person I've neither met nor glanced in real life, I don't know if I would trust myself if I were to meet said person in the flesh. Man, that last sentence makes me seem like an absolute creep. But really though. If just the idea of this person re-ignited my fire to keep going, what would happen if I were hitting a burnout in a relationship and met someone who did just that? Would I give up on my person and go to this newer, cooler person? Or would I cheat on my person? And if I did switch partners, what if the cycle was the same?

Perhaps my question may seem rather immature to many. I couldn't agree more. If love really did exist between two parties, then the switch and adultery would not happen. If love existed, we'd be pushing one another, supporting each other, and growing together. (I see that in my parents actually)

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de St-Exupéry

Right. A good point. However, in all of the people I've dated thus far, no one has shown me the capability to even portray a fraction of that kind of dedication and heart that would sustain the kind of relationship which will not end in burn outs. I fear that the next person I date is actually on a different wavelength as me (not in an inspiring way) and out of desperation, I settle, and cheat/change partners from dissatisfaction.

I guess that's why I was so drawn to the person my friend spoke of. If you heard what my friend told me, you'd be pretty drawn too.

The Challenges Keep Us Alive 5 May 2016 4:30 AM (8 years ago)

Holy shit.

We're only at Wednesday and holy shit is the only expression I can afford.

Monday was as usual, a pretty good start. A little eventless with the exception of a giant nap during our long break in class :) I also handed in my essay corrections, and most recent essays to my teacher. You know, homework :) I felt pretty accomplished. Not gonna lie.

Then Tuesday, the rain was INSANE. It rained from Monday night all through Tuesday night. I guess I was also pretty... stressed? I'm not entirely sure but when my teacher came back with feedback of my work. And man. Not sure what came over me... maybe it was my fatigue and the combination of all the stuff that happened ----> me kinda tearing up while I listened to the teacher's explanation. It's to a point where she was like "no crying" followed by a "why you always cry around me?!" LOL. That was kinda funny. She's right. I have broken down with her around.. which sometimes is coincidence but the rest of the time, is... uh... not sure. Maybe cuz I'm comfortable around her? HAHA but the rain was really pouring that day! which was kinda nice cuz I like rain, but not so much because I stayed up to do work instead of sleep through that delightfully pleasant weather. HA. Least I was productive!

Then yesterday, after a crazy day of presenting, listening to class and watching the time fly by, leaving me to feel... well, lost. HAHA. We had the bazaar to raise money for education in collaboration with UNICEF. It was really fun. I bought an album during the auction, and got something that would be super useful in my kitchen (; HEHE. Then I joined my colleagues for some 막걸리 (Makgeoli aka rice wine) and food. The first bottle was Chestnut and it was so good! The dinner was also really nice because I got to know them a lot better, and in an environment where it's not all just work. We were also taken to this really cool, hidden bar in Itaewon and that place is gorgeous. I friggin love glass windows and this one had so many around us, with a glass roof where we were sitting. It was fantastic! At the end of the night, I was kinda expecting myself to be drunk, or throwing up, or both. That, or a boiled lobster red face. But none of that happen, and I was actually on a good buzz. Which RARELY happens. One of my colleagues actually told me that she's gonna visit my dad's hometown (where my extended family is) and I was so excited and suggested she go hang out with my family. My paternal family is actually one of the warmest people I know around and so I know they would without a doubt be happy to take her in for a day. I was really happy that people would visit that side of Malaysia! After all that talk, we also got into a lot of our other insecurities and life challenges. It felt like I was back at Soka with all my buddies! :)
By the time I went home feeling a little relieved to know that I'm not alone in my personal struggles of understanding life. It was definitely an extremely rare occasion where I learnt all these things about myself and the people around me. I was actually starting to feel like I was going insane because I didn't really understand a lot of things. (I'm at a weird point of re-evaluating and re-learning everything you see) But it was also a really painful night because a friend of mine had been desperately trying to contact me to no avail. She was trying to ask me for my vet's number because her dogs had been poisoned and was looking for help. But being caught up in my conversations, I didn't see her message. By the time I responded, she told me that both her dogs had died. Thus, it was without a doubt that the first thing I did upon returning was to call her to learn about what happened. It broke my heart to learn about it as I cannot imagine if it was my dog. I know for a fact that I definitely would not take it very well. The night kind of ended on a mixed mode but I was also in dire need of some rest so I went to bed with no troubles.

And today, well.. it started off alright. I quickly got up, made breakfast. Brunch by the time I ate, and headed out with the intention of working on my video for the video contest hosted by the school. But I actually didn't have a lot of the footage I needed, and ended up going through what I had to see what I could do with what I had... Then rushed off to teach my kid... we kind of reviewed some of her old stuff and she was having a really tough time. And the hour felt a little like an eternity. Slight exaggeration there. But it was as I was leaving that I was hit with some pretty painful news about my family. Keeping my promise to my colleague, I asked my aunt if they could host her and for the first time in a while I got an apology. I asked what happened and she broke to me some news that I'm still processing:
My dad's family is pretty big. He has quite a lot of siblings & they all actually sell produce for a living. One of my aunts who runs a vegetable stall in the morning market, recently got robbed. Two people hijacked her stall and broke her arm and leg. She actually had to get 3-4 surgeries and now cannot work. But instead helps with the other meat stall that the family runs. With one business down, they're relying on their other resource which is this, but are also faced with more challenges of having workers who have left one by one. So now, not only are my family members swamped, but they're also so strained that they actually don't even eat properly anymore.
When I heard all of this, I didn't know how to react. Despite all this, when my aunt told me what happened, she still was optimistic. She told me that "it's the challenges that keep us alive, right Kim?" and in that instant, I felt really small.

What A Week! 2 May 2016 4:22 AM (8 years ago)

WOW.

What a week it's been.

While things had seemed to be a little routine, small things would take me by surprise. One after another.

Monday was all quiet, just a day of doing homework and doing what is needed.

Tuesday

was the day I had a chance to have a nice decent conversation with someone I'm always really nervous around. I got to know this person a little more and that always makes my day a little better. I also learnt that despite being insanely skinny, this person still feels insecure about the body. That was pretty cool to absorb, but what was also cool was this person's ability to eat fried chicken 4 times a month and still remain in that frame *envy*. To top things off, my student was also being pretty good at her work despite feeling a little under the weather.

Wednesday

was pretty loud as it was the day we had to figure out assigned work for each individual within my group for our little survey project. The results were also really cool cuz I got to learn that even a celebrity like G-Dragon will use all the coupons he has on the fried chicken he orders. Not only that, G-Dragon and Daesung actually drinks wine with their fried chicken. Definitely a first. Not to mention Daesung's water pairing with fried chicken. Which isn't too surprising because in my stingy self, I also avoid ordering soda and settle for water instead. But to have it as a choice drink was hilarious. A fantastic reminder that celebrities are human, and we should calm down lol.

Thursday

was the day I found out my cousin was coming to town but didn't bother telling me. So I was a little disappointed. But it also worked out well cuz I also got to make plans with our friends who I was super stoked to see on Saturday. I also had lunch with my classmates and a classmate from Level 4 and it was a good reflection of myself and how I've been handling my relationship situations. Which isn't too well. But all good because I needed the reminder.

Friday

was great cuz I slept.. quite a fair amount. Granted, not enough to make up for the lost sleep but good enough :) I basically stayed home to nurse my headache. But I also really wanted some grilled pork so I went to get some alone. The other day in class, we had a discussion on doing things alone, and how you never really see anyone doing things alone + how there are all these levels.. where certain levels are for example, reading at a cafe, to traveling alone, to grilling your own meat at a BBQ restaurant... Truth is, those things stopped bothering me after a while. It used to bother me soooo much but I outgrew that, thank goodness. And I had been wanting to have some grilled pork for so long and was impatient with waiting for someone to go with me. So I just went. IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I also got to check out a cool scene for my short video contest! Once it's done, I'll share it and y'all have to help me share it on Facebook okay? :)

Saturday

was super fun. Though it started with some attitude from my student, but ended well cuz we played games and she really enjoyed it, and she didn't have to be punished for being bored (something I definitely cannot blame her for). Then it was filming with Sun and basically doing touristy stuff on the campus that I, by nature, don't do because I go there. Then, it was meeting my friends and beloved cousin...

(cont'd)

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