Late Year Thoughts 31 Dec 2017 9:00 PM (7 years ago)

The New Year is upon us. Quite literally, in fact. The Girls are with their dad tonight and I am tucked into bed, my dog snoring at my feet. My upstairs neighbors must be out because the only sounds I hear are the whirring of my furnace & the occasional gunshot somewhere in the neighborhood. Midnight is fifteen-ish minutes away and while I -

Just had to slide on the floor bc there were shots on my street. Now I am hiding in my closet.

- It was seriously so peaceful and I've had such a relaxing night. I'm still in the closet. So I'll finish what I was going to write. This has been a tough year for me but also feel like it was a game changer year. I pushed myself a lot and I learned about some limits and more importantly, I figured out how to verbalize those limits & respect them. A lot of shitty things happened and a lot of fantastic things happened!

I'm just the same as everyone when it comes to having new year goals. I want to write again bc it has been such a great outlet for me. I want to make my bills on time and figure out my debt. I'm determined to make quilts for the girls this year! Project365 was so so so so much fun to do and that year I did it turned out not so hotso. Maybe I'll do that again.. and definitely keep improving my mental health!

Happiest of New Year Blessings & Wishes to You!

The Unraveling 1 Nov 2017 11:58 AM (7 years ago)

Where to begin...

I met my birthdad and we sometimes spoke on the phone over the years. It was an emotional first visit and it was deeply difficult to leave him and go home. That visit was a tipping point for me. While the visit was wonderful and special, it also threw me into quite a whirlwind. I matched someone. I shared physical and emotional qualities with someone. Other than my girls, I never had been around anyone to whom I am related. The way our hands moved. The way he 'collected' things, and his especially reverent feelings on family items. I fell into a nightmare spiral of depression that absolutely played into my divorce and of which, unfortunately, my ex used against me in his pursuit of divorce. (<-- All of which will just need to be a separate post, you know...)

We saw each other again in 2013 when I drove East to meet his mom, my biological grandmother, just before she died. He was a wise & private man who had a heart of gold, and a wallet full of love. We shared a love of Hellman's Real Mayonnaise, The Duke, The Grateful Dead, and so much more.

In early August this year, my bio dad was diagnosed with Advanced Stage 4 Throat Cancer. Twelve mornings later he was moved into hospice and passed away that evening with his brother & sister at his side. He didn't want to speak to anyone and didn't want any visitors. He didn't want our final memory with him to be at the hospice. And so we, his children and cousins and aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and his dear grandchildren, respected his wishes and marked his passing by the large Monarch butterfly that flew through each of our yards the minute he was gone.

I have long dreamt of securing enough money to be able to move him to the Little City and take care of him in old age. We'd eat meals together, I'd take him to doctor appointments, We'd rebuild a Classic Car together, and make up for all those lost years of not knowing each other. None of that is going to happen now. He was 53 when he died and I feel like my life expectancy has been cut. I feel his loss but I also feel my gain. I sense motivation within myself to follow my life pursuits and not waste my time.

Le sigh. So all that happened.

So much more to tell!

Tap, Tap? Is this thing on?? 30 Oct 2017 6:59 AM (7 years ago)

Wow. This blog is like a graveyard of a past life.. I haven't written in years here and I know it is time.

Is anyone still out there? Ye olde bloggy friends??

It'll take me a bit to fashion a proper 'Where the heck have you been?!" Post... But for the moment, Hubby & I did end up divorcing. It was nasty, he drug me through the mud, and somehow someway I have survived. I'm still on medicine for my depression & anxiety but I CAN say that I am happier than I ever have been in my life. Legit. 100% happier than ever before.

The Girls!!!! They are becoming Little Women so fast. Junie & Mags turned 10 in September. It was an exciting time for them, "Double Digits". They devour books and their 'baby sister' is beginning to enjoy reading the way they do. Snowdrop is a ball of surprise and excitement! She is wacky and a total ham. They are all so sweet and have such empathetic hearts. They are thoughtful and curious. In ways their dad was never able (not throwing shade, just saying), they recognize that my depression is not something to be shamed nor is it something I have entire control over. They are becoming such extraordinary people - I'm sure we all feel this way about our kids - and they bring me such joy.

I have a life here in the Little City now. My own life. I have friends; I have friends who are like family; I have acquaintance friends. These things have made so much of a difference for me.

Le sigh. This app makes blogging so easy....

I'm back, Bitches!
Haha.

All Filled Up 22 Aug 2011 5:22 AM (13 years ago)

If you've followed my blog recently then you know I went down to Florida {which was beautiful!} this past weekend to meet my Birthdad! I was adopted at birth and had never met him.

I have sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to share, obviously, but I do not have time to write about it this morning. But I did want to check in and say that it was the best weekend ever. I met him, my great-aunt & uncle, a second cousin... and a bunch of my dad's friends. There is so much about their lives that I found out this weekend. I had no idea that my absence throughout the years had affected my ENTIRE extended family. I was always "The Missing Grandchild" and was always thought of throughout the years.... it's a pretty intense feeling to know you affected so many lives. They thought of me as much as I did them.

I had a mainly happy childhood though I always felt like something was missing... that I was part of something else. I am part of something greater! This whole big, very close family always left a spot for me in their hearts; I was always part of the family even though no one knew where I was.

This weekend filled up an empty little piece of me that I thought would never be filled. I am all filled up with love and family....

and it's the best feeling ever.

EVER.

Will write more again soon! And share pictures!! I look just like him. :)

A Fireworks Show 18 Aug 2011 10:20 PM (13 years ago)

I feel like a Fireworks Show of emotion. I'm so excited about the trip and so nervous, too. Emotions are pulling me in every direction, it's hard to focus on just one. We're meeting at his house {my birthdad} and I'm glad because I think it will be nice and private. And more special that way. I hope we click and that things aren't TOO awkward. I know it's probably going to be super weird at first.... but.... I'm okay with that. Sometimes the best things begin awkwardly.

These are MY people. Like, for real, MY people. I realize the magnitude of this weekend is probably a hard concept to grasp for those of you who aren't adopted or have experienced a similar situation. Quadmama pointed this fact out to me on my most recent post; and it makes sense. I am unable to explain how it feels, really... or what it's like. But I CAN tell you that it feels exhilarating to finally be putting a piece in the big puzzle of my life. I've been waiting for this one for a long time.

And so have they. :)

I have dreamed about this day for SO LONG. For as long as I've thought about my birth-family, I suppose... and I can't believe it's actually here. It's 1:14am so technically today is actually THE day. THE day. I can't wait to meet the person who is responsible for half of what made me ME, and one of the two people who created my life.

WOW!!!!

And I just wanted to write all that down before I turned off the computer for the weekend and unplugged. :) Everything changes after this weekend. Good or bad, I do not know. This is certainly life-changing though, no matter how it goes. Please keep me in your thoughts this weekend!

Just Saying 18 Aug 2011 6:04 AM (13 years ago)

I'm meeting my Birthdad and his side of the family this weekend.

I have had zero time alone in this house to prepare myself.

I haven't even done my laundry yet!

I relaxed yesterday afternoon/early evening by going to the Goodwill Outlet and searching for treasure... and then I went to Starbucks and then I went and got a brow/lip wax. I'd hate to meet my Birthdad with unruly eyebrows and a mustache (please say that moo-stash). My aesthetician is really wonderful and so insightful; I enjoy going to see her and she always has nice things to share. She is great to talk to/bounce thoughts off and I'm glad I got to see her {not just get waxed!} before I meet my Birthdad.

Gigi couldn't watch the girls on Wednesday this week so my 'day off' didn't happen. Of course, the week I really truly NEED a day "off".... {I quote "off" because I still have Snowdrop so technically I'm not really having a day off.}

So I'm just saying that this is a really emotional thing and I'm doing it all by myself. My support system {other than Hubby, who I think still really doesn't "get it"; He keeps talking about how he hasn't been to FL since he was 11. That not what this trip is about. Sorry but I have to be incredibly selfish on this one!!} are the two friends who know about it happening. They both live more than 300 miles from here. I think it's incredibly unfair that no one else recognizes the importance of this event and how life-changing it will be. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that to people?? I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for someone to take the girls for a day so I can have peace to myself to prepare and reflect.

Like, I wish my husband had taken control of the situation and arranged for a sitter this week.

That would have been cool.

Le Sigh.

I'm off to break up an argument about something ridiculous between my oldest girls... and then I have to change this rank diaper on Snowdrop that I keep smelling as she parades beneath my feet, clawing at my thighs, screaming "Moooooommy Mooooooooommy Up".

Le Freakin' Sigh.

IT'S OFFICIAL: I'm Gonna Meet My BirthDad!!! 9 Aug 2011 9:27 AM (13 years ago)

I was going to mention this in my most recent post BUT I really thought it was important enough to deserve its own mini-post.

Last night, we booked our airfare to Tampa so I can meet my birthdad and most of his side of the family!!

It's official!!! :)

I'm full of all sorts of emotions. It's gonna be a good thing.

So have any of you done this before? What did you bring? What did you do? I'd love to hear about it!

5 mg 9 Aug 2011 9:23 AM (13 years ago)

Pretty sure I am feeling every bit of the extra 5mg (of Paxil) that I took last night.

My eyes are wide open (but feel heavy). I feel like a zombie, lol. A zombie full of energy. Does that make sense? At least my mind is quiet again and I can putter through the day and get things done.

Definitely not feeling anxious about meeting my birthdad this morning. I haven't filled the Rx for the Xanax yet. If the extra 5mg of Paxil really can rid of me the anxiety then I won't need to take the Xanax for that. And that would be a good thing ~ because I really don't like taking medicine.

But I will need the Xanax for the flights to and from Florida. I hate flying. It's freaky.

But let's not talk about that now. I don't want to ruin my non-nervous morning! :)

Psych 101 8 Aug 2011 5:59 PM (13 years ago)

Today I saw a psychiatrist. She is amazing and I'm SO GLAD, SOVERYGLAD, that I called and got an appointment. As luck would have it, I called her on Friday and someone had just cancelled a Monday appointment. When I first started going to PT at the beginning of the year, I kept saying that God had sent Christie (my PT-ist) to me. I was sure of it. She was supposed to help me in some way; I thought it was with my tailbone. And she definitely helped with my tailbone (I have my last - fingers crossed - PT appointment this week for that.) but we also talked a lot about all sorts of stuff while we did the PT exercises. It was therapeutic. Soooo as our PT sessions were coming to an end, she suggested that I entertain the idea of talking to a professional. I knew deep down that it was time. So, I actually got the info for this psychiatrist from her! I'm not surprised that it worked out when I called to schedule and that there was a cancellation. It usually takes months to get into see a psychiatrist. God works in mysterious, and sometimes not that mysterious, ways! I know this is all connected to help me.... so I'm going with the flow.

Anyways, the appointment went really well. It was a good first appointment, and we talked about nothing I thought we would! Yes, of course I cried. I laughed a bit, too. She's a redhead - well, formerly a redhead like me. We must be kindred spirits to some degree; and she reminds me of Sarah Jessica Parker but not in a squeaky mousey way (No offense, SJP!! Loved you in Girls Just Want to Have Fun!! Classic!!) And she was able to point out so many things about me already. This is her job and she's been doing it for a long time so of course she's really great at it ~ attended Columbia, John Hopkins, Yale... has had a lot of training in all sorts of areas, is also a psycho-analyst, a doctor in other areas too, etc... I just feel like she's really going to be able to help me get to the bottom of myself and fix things. I'm looking forward to next week's appointment. She upped my Paroxetine (Paxil) by 5mg and gave me a month of Alprazolam (Xanax). I hope I won't need the Xanax for a long time; I think the whole "meeting my birthdad" thing has me really anxious lately. ............ Obviously that would make someone anxious and emotionally charged; I didn't really put two and two together, lol. Lunatic. :) I thought my body had conquered the medicine and wasn't going to let the medicine help me anymore. Yes, I probably had some little vision in my head of Viking-hatted Masked Marauders invading my little Happy Rainbow Medicine Cells inside and pillaging them.

I need to be easier on myself. There are reasonable explanations for almost everything.

Anyways, I'm glad to have it for the days when I need it and for our flight to Flo-Rida.

I am too old to say Flo-Rida.

My only qualm about this therapy is that it's expensive. $165/50 minutes. I do not see any dinners out in our near future! :) I really do NEED this though. It's been a long time coming and frankly, I'd like to feel like a regular person by the time I'm 30. You know? I can't be an emotional nutcase forever right?

She suggested I ask my parents for the money to pay for the appointments. I said I'd think about it; and I really will. But I'm 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% positive I do not even want them knowing that I'm IN therapy. We'll be fine. We'll make ends meet.

God will provide. He always does.

Blogging Again :) 5 Aug 2011 2:00 PM (13 years ago)

Me: Feeling Good These Days

Ahhhhh I haven't blogged since June. I started taking medication for my PPD/PPAnxiety about that same time. Of course, I think it's all related. Since being on medicine, I've been super active around the house keeping up with chores and with the girls. I've been Twittering {Superfab912} a bunch and have been enjoying it. I've also come to the conclusion that I think I actually NEED to be on medicine full-time. I'm not sure if this is totally a PPD thing or not. It all might have just manifested into the worst-blue-period ever after having these babies. You know? Without sharing too much, I feel like such a better person now that I'm taking medicine. I was super against it but I can think more clearly now. And that's so good. The morning after I took it for the first time, when I woke up, it was so silent. In my head. Like when a record is turned off real fast and the sound goes "zzzzzzchuupe" and then it's silent... or when you're the only person in a small coffee shoppe and a gaggle of people come in and are chatty and giggly and busy, and when they leave the store ~ THAT silence. That's how it felt in my head.

I wasn't hearing voices or anything but do you know what I mean? That Inner Monologue just shut-up.

So on Monday I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist. She was recommended to me by my physical therapist (who I just had a playdate with this morning - her daughter is a month younger than my oldest girls - we had a blast, and I think I made a friend for myself!! YAY!!!) I really don't want to talk to anyone about all my shit but I think it's time. And I don't think my OB can handle the adjusting of this, not in offense to her ~ it's just not her area of expertise. It's time to pass the torch from OB to Pysch. I think I need some adjustments on my medication AND I think I might need a PRN. I think going to a psychiatrist is the best way to figure out the right plan of action. Sometimes the medicine works really well but I have days at a time where it just seems like it's not enough. Does that make sense? As always, I will let y'all know how it goes. I don't ever actually say "y'all" it just seemed appropriate to use at this time. :)

MIRACULOUSLY, I haven't lost a follower during this little blogging sabbatical of mine. {Can I call this a sabbatical?} I'd like to thank the Thirty-Nine of you Followers for sticking around! Maybe you have been on the edge of your seat anxiously waiting for my return. Maybe you've been busy yourself and haven't even noticed. :) That's okay, too. I am starting to feel more like writing again so I hope to be blogging more. School is starting soon so I'm definitely going to have more time on my hands to blog. I really have a hard time blogging when the kiddies are about. :)

As far as the house goes, I finished, & started and finished, several projects (& started a few more) around the house that I've been wanting to get done for quite some time. Like these things:

hallway curtains

bookcase

the Hancock shelf

frames for Snowdrop's frame-wall

baking, baking, baking

curtains in our bathroom

sewing, sewing, sewing

cleaned out and organized so many things

threw out so many things that I didn't need/want

AND four years of projects that never got started or finished.

If I had time right now I would take and post pictures of these things to show you. But I don't today. Sorry.

I've pretty much caught up on Project Baby Clothes {which I talked about in one of the Vloggin' Vednesdays that I'd love to get back into doing}. I've got one basket of clothes that turned up after I put away all the other stuff and did more laundry. BUT, I've got almost everything that doesn't fit put away! The upstairs closets are dangerously stuffed with bins and other things haha ~ it's always a little scary to open the doors! I never know if something is going to come flying out at me. :)

I {mainly} finished that project in June but this past week we moved all three girls into one room. The third floor is no longer Snowdrop's room ~ it's the playroom! I'm thrilled!! I even moved my sewing machine up there. We're moving my desk up there this weekend so I'll have a little space of my own within the playroom to work on MY stuff. :) OK. SO. The big move. I did it all by myself. See. I've been on Hubby for like two months to do this and it {ahem, he} keeps pushing it back. He went golfing on Sunday and I was mad about something that happened the previous night so I said "F it. I'm doing it myself!" All it really involved was moving the full size mattress from the third floor, taking down one toddler bed, and converting the other back into a crib. Mattress moving isn't really that hard when you're just going down the stairs. The girls totally helped me maneuver it around a couple corners ~ they were awesome helpers! So we got the room set up and I'm just so happy with it. I think we need a little tweaking here and there, and I need to fix some of their alphabet but for the most part I'm just thrilled to have them in one room. It opened up the third floor to become a straight up playroom, which in turn meant that we moved every. single. toy. upstairs. WHOOHOO!!! We left a bunch of books on this floor but other than those {and of course, the tv} our main floor is now 'kid free'. YAY! :)

We went to Portland in the middle of June for a friend's wedding and had a blast. I LOVE PORTLAND!!! It was seriously a great trip. Honestly, there isn't time to talk about how much I loved it. The street-pirates (the street kids/people) that were so very interesting to watch and talk to. The freedom I felt there to be ME. We were there for the PRIDE parade, too, which absolutely contributed to the feelings of acceptance, friendliness, and youth of the city. I love the downtown area so much, I could definitely see us living there. I could open my vintage/handmade shop in a little place in the city instead of on Etsy (it's coming soon!!!)... Hubby is not sold on the idea for "right now" because of the family business (of course) but maybe we can retire there someday. Early. Early retirement in Portland. Haha. In my dreams.

Actually, in my dreams ~ I'll retire to Europe. Vacationing in America occasionally when I get homesick for a Windy City or SoCal beaches. Anyways..........

A good friend of mine came to visit over the Fourth of July holiday and we had a blast. We've been friends since high school, worked at THE bakery together, I was involved with her older brother for a few years and generally always figured I'd wind up as part of the family. THAT didn't happen (obviously) but we've all remained super close friends over the years. It was sooooooooo good to see her. I am lucky to have such great friends even though they don't live nearby. It's hard not having "real friends" down here. Do you know what I mean? Not that I don't enjoy the company of my friends here, I just feel so often like people "have" to be my friend just because I married their friend.... anyways. MY friend and I had a spectacular time. We cooked and baked, and refinished/painted/recovered two chairs I found at the Goodwill Outlet for the girls room, and we sewed a bunch of little things for the girls (like pillowcases!). We stayed up late and laughed for hours. And we brainstormed about some projects we're going to work on together. It was SUCH a great weekend when she was here.

My soulmate (and very best friend in the entire world), O and I had a Girls Weekend late in July and it was just ridiculous. So much fun!! It was just like the old days. But better. So neeeeeeeeded to be just us girls. O's boyfriend (who I love and who will marry her someday; I've already granted my permission. He was very sweet in asking for it, seeing as I am his future wife's soulmate. Really, isn't that cute to ask me? What a doll.) was going out of town for the weekend so we had full-range of the apartment to ourselves. It was a great weekend; we also got together with some other girlfriends of ours ~ grilling tofu and drinking champagne on rooftop decks overlooking the skyline. It's so great that we're all still close. We've known each other since high school. Like Freshman Year. It's nice to have people from back in the day still around. They've been around through it all. A girlfriend of ours works at Tiffanys so we went that Saturday and tried on ridiculous rings. And by ridiculous, I mean HUGE. And redonkulously expensive. I tried on a $165,000 ring. ZOMG. It really WAS beautiful. Though, I think I'd rather we pay off the house than spend that kind of money on a ring (we don't have that kind of money anyways, haha!). That said, however, I would absolutely accept and proudly wear a ring of that caliber and size. HA! :) OMG. It was so pretty. And it looked nice on my finger. ;) O also bought all us girls a stacking ring to commemorate the weekend. She had a LOT of credit from a (an old-boyfriend's) gift she had returned. WHAT an awesome friend I have. AWESOME!!! My ring is pretty and had to be ordered so I'll get it the next time I go up there for a visit. Which will be soon. I think the more I see my soulmate, the happier I am. And vice-versa. We are seriously like part of each other. It's amazing to me, our friendship has come so far and been through so much (long story, not for today) and here we are: as strong as ever, finishing thoughts again, can't stand being 300 miles away from each other... in fixing our friendship (and growing the fuck up), I have been able to find so much of myself that I thought I had lost years ago when I became a mom and moved out. O had those pieces the whole time. And you know what's funny? I had her pieces that left with me when I left ~ we were both fools and I'm just so glad we can share our pieces again. I missed her SOFREAKINMUCH and while it doesn't necessarily make me happy to think of her sharing all that pain with me, I'm "glad" (?) that I wasn't the only one who felt so lonely without the other. We are truly soulmates. How cool is that!

I am meeting my birth-dad and his side of my family the weekend of August 19th.

This is a HUGE DEAL, of course. I'm SO full of all sorts of feelings and emotions. I am super excited and super nervous. I think it's going to go great! I have a feeling that I am very much like this side of my family. Part of the reason I am seeing this psychiatrist now is so she can help me prepare for this. Hubby, God Bless him, just doesn't get it. I don't expect him to, he's not adopted so he'll never really 'get it'. But he tries and is being supportive of this event even though I KNOW I'm being very wishy-washy emotional high-strung about it. I'm all over the chart of emotions these days when it comes to meeting him, understandably. I hope I get the chance to cook with my grandma/aunts, that would just be so cool. I have a full-blood biological brother who lives in the same city as my dad (Tampa/Ocala, FL) (and a full-blood bio sister, but she lives with my mom in Pennsylvania) and I'm hoping he'll come and meet me, too. When I asked my JohnDad (that's what I call him; his name is John but that didn't seem personal enough; I already have a Dad so... JohnDad it is) about it, it didn't really sound to me like my bio-brother was going to come. That's okay. I don't want to push anybody into doing this, you know? It's a big deal. I know that my biological mom doesn't want to meet me. Or at least that's how she felt several years ago... or maybe it's that she wants to but can't because it's too hard. I totally get it. {as much as I can get it.} Part of me feels like she should be the very first person to meet me, considering she's my mom, but I really can't wait forever for her to come around and want to meet me. I wanna meet my grandma before she kicks the bucket ~ sorry to be so insensitive about that thought.

*sigh*.

Okay. I totally whipped all of this out in the last hour or so while I let the girls play upstairs. They are supposed to be napping but I REALLY wanted to post on my blog so I'm letting them run around like banshees up there. {Disclaimer, they are totally safe in their room.} It's been forever since I posted and I'd probably write more but it's time for "naptime" to be over. I tried a few times before to post this summer but the girls got in the way and I didn't finish my thoughts, things ended up needing to get done, there were poopy diapers, etc. I'm glad I could get this posted today.

Hope everyone is doing well! I hope to catch up on lots of things this weekend. Like some more blogging. And reading about your lives. I have thought of so many of you during my time off and truly hope everything is fabulous in your neck of BlogLand.

Oh HI & Some Other Stuff 2 Jun 2011 10:53 PM (13 years ago)

Yes. I have been totally MIA around here. Sorry.

I've been CLEANING. Seriously, cleaning. Organizing. Finishing projects. Cleaning. Cleaning. Cleaning. I am on a roll.... I have been almost totally off the computer. It's so weird. The medicine I am on... is totally making me do all this. It's gotta be because I have gotten more done in the last two weeks than I have gotten done in the last year or two ~ for real!!!

It's actually been really nice.

I'm not putting up Project365 this week. Mainly because we are leaving town tomorrow morning and I really don't have time to do it this week. Sorry. I REALLY hope I can have it all back up and running next Friday. Sorry again.

So we're going to visit my parents this weekend for a short trip. My little brother is graduating from eighth grade (!!!!!!!!) and so we must go. I get to see my bestest friend in the entire world on Saturday night so I am sooooooooooooooooooo super excited to see her. This girl is my other half, my true other half. I can't wait!!

In other REALLY AWESOME and EXCITING NEWS ~ TODAAAAAAY was our fourth wedding anniversary! Well, June 2nd was. Technically it is 1:34am and June 3rd, whatever. So we have been married four years and have three kids. And I think that's wild. Not at all what I expected of my life. We have not had an easy marriage, there have been MANY rough times most especially recently when it was hard to be in the same room and not argue. We both agreed to suck it up, both stop acting like jerks and really TRY. And so we have. And so things are going well. As they should do when we try to share and get along. It's not easy being married and anyone who tells you so is lying. Sometimes, being married sucks. Like getting used to living with a BOY {ew}, a CLEAN boy {weird}. I expected it to be easier because it had been so hard living apart... but it's really been an adjustment. Anyways, it's great to get through the rough patches and know that the other person was right there the whole time. Just waiting it out with you. I am so very lucky to have someone like my husband to be married to ~ he really is great sometimes! {Cause c'mon, you KNOW he's going to do something soon enough that will make my head spin! Haha!}

Four years!! WILD. :)

Okay. I have to stop procrastinating and switch over the laundry. And then I should probably head to bed so I get SOME sleep tonight.

Thanks for understanding about the recent failings of Project365 and the rest of my blogging. Hope you all are well. :)

Blogging: FAIL. 27 May 2011 7:29 PM (13 years ago)

So I haven't been blogging all week. I don't know... I just haven't felt it. And I suppose as a result of that, I completely forgot about Project365!! It was supposed to post today. I'm the worst. blogger. ever!!! Tomorrow it will hopefully be nice out and Hubby will have the girls in the yard doing yardwork so I will have time to post and set up the linky. My bad. Blogging, Fail.

A big apology to those who linked up last week and didn't get comments from me!! Thank you for linking up!! :)

We survived the recent Midwest storms just fine but those folks in Joplin, Missouri really got hit hard. There are TONS of ways you can help. Give blood, send $5 to the Red Cross... you get the idea. A blog I follow, Motherhood Unadorned, mentioned an auction going on at her friend's shop, LillyBelle's Closet. You can check it out by clicking here. Even a prayer, good thoughts, best wishes sent to Joplin would help out.

The destruction is really horrible.

OK. We have been super busy this week.

The girls are out of school now so I'm trying to keep them as busy as possible. We spend a lot of time in our yard while the baby is napping. I putter around the patio trimming the flowers and plants, sometimes watering them ~ but it's rained a lot this week so not too much! :) The girls and I went on errands; somewhat superfluous, but it was nice to get out of the house. Snowdrop picked up something peanut while we were out; I think it was from the cart she was sitting in. I have one of those covers but she sometimes gets under it, etc. She's such a monkey; she has also discovered how to wriggle out of the strap. Monkey. Anyways, so she didn't have a crazy reaction but she was definitely a little puffy and rashy. It was scary. We gave her Wal-dryl (Benedryl) and she started looking better. It's really scary to think how easy it would be for her to come in contact with stuff. I had the Epi-Pen with us but still.

I conquered my baby clothes catastrophe today and I'm proud to say that (...other than about 3-4 loads of baby laundry waiting to be done ~ a few items of which might need to be packed away...) I successfully organized, separated, and packed away 135 gallons (that's 5 plastic containers) worth of too-big/too-small clothes. As in, it's packed away in bins, IN a closet. UNSEEN if the doors are closed. Whoohoo!!! It feels REALLY awesome to have finally gotten all of that put away. The hallway floors can be seen and when Snowdrop went up to her room tonight, she stuck her arms out and said "Wheh?"

I am so excited to be cleaning up.

This must be the medicine, right?

Which by the way... I think is going okay. Good-okay. Sometimes I feel like I could use a little more... kick to it? I'm still getting panicky sometimes. Still waiting it out to see how my body is adjusting... I guess sometimes I just feel like I need a little more "calm" than it's giving me. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for sticking around while I go through this.

I bought a pair of striped curtains from Goodwill this week. It appears that whoever previously owned them, decided to wash them instead of getting them dry-cleaned. The dark blue dye ran onto the light blue and tan stripes... there are a good amount of spots that need cleaning. Does anyone have any ideas? I read something about vinegar, but that was confusing. I'm not sure about bleach, what if I ruin them completely. They cost $16 total, which isn't a fortune but I don't want to ruin them further. I really like them but if I can't save them (relatively inexpensively, time and monetarily) then I don't think they are worth the $16.

Any stain/dye removal tips??

I also found two pairs (!!!) of white curtains with silver grommets. I've been looking for this style for quite some time now. I'm thrilled as each pair only cost $6. I can use these as curtains or under curtains as liner-curtains... there are so many uses. I'm so glad. AND since I found these, that means we'll be painting this main room GREY. I really love the combination of white panel curtains with grey walls. It's so crisp. And I think it will look great in our main room. Soooooooooo. The paint store sells "ooops" paint and I'm going to start checking for 5 gallon buckets of grey paint so we can get this room painted and done!!

One more bit of news, Hubby convinced me to attend a wedding with him in June... across the country in Portland!!! It will be good for us to go away together. While I AM looking forward to going back to Portland for a visit & seeing old friends & getting away for a few days.... I'm totally NOT looking forward to flying ~ I really HATE flying. It makes me really anxious, nervous, worried, etc. I'm a fraidy cat. Never used to be. But then 9/11 happened and I grew a little worried about flying. And then I became a mom and pretty much decided it was TOTALLY irresponsible of me to go flitting about miles above the Earth. What if something happened and my babies were left here without me? I digress. I've been tossing & turning for the last two nights/mornings since we bought our tickets... I think I'm nervous. I also think I'm an idiot because everything will be fine and we will have a wonderful time.

*sigh*

Ok. Time for bed.

Project356... Tomorrow!

Project365 ~ 133 to 139 20 May 2011 8:42 PM (13 years ago)

It was a really long day. Thanks for sticking around!! Here is my Project365 for this week ~ better late than never!! Link up your Project365 at the bottom of this post!!

Project365 ~ Days 133 to 139

{From my SOOC Self Challenge! Check out the pictures here!}

Missed Day 134. Boo.

{My Personal Starbucks Counter ~ previously shared (unedited) in this week's Sunday Scavenger Hunt}

{Our Vacation Fund. Well, to go towards our vacation fund!!}

{Why Hellllllllllooooo Pre-Twins-Pregnancy Jeans... you lookin' mighty fine, myyy-teeeee fine.}

{During late night cleaning, we found a secret stash of Easter candy under a couch.}

{Snowdrop. My Little Crazy Pants. She thinks this is the funniest thing ever!! And it is!!}

Please grab my button from the sidebar and link up!! Thanks so much!!

Hope you have a fabulous weekend! :)

Crazy Week 20 May 2011 7:33 AM (13 years ago)

Project365 will be up later this afternoon!

Sorry for any inconvenience.

Yesterday, on my mother-in-law's 57th birthday ~ and her 30-something wedding anniversary ~ we found out that some of her skin samples sent in for testing this week, tested positive for skin cancer. The "Basal" kind, so apparently the less scary kind... My MIL is not worried about it but of course I am. I am trying not to worry but anything with the word "cancer" is super scary to me. She is like the cornerstone of our family here in the Little City. There is no way I'd ever live up to all she does ~ so I hope we are able to nip this in the bud and get rid of it!! I want her here for a very long time. She has always treated me so well and truly accepted me as her daughter, not just an "in-law". I hope she's okay and not hiding anything. {She's not the type of person to do that so I don't really worry about that.}

Hubby's grandpa was just diagnosed with congestive heart failure this week. He is on some new meds that are helping to make him feel better. And will go for more testing this week. This is not "the end" for him but certainly an indicator that things are on the slow-down... AND Hubby's dad hurt his leg {ankle & knee} and pretty much can't walk, so Hubby has been picking up some of his stops this week. I think he's having surgery soon for this. Not positive on that.

Seriously ~ We are falling apart over here!!

SO in addition to this, my brother is going through a lot with PTSD {US Army/Afghanistan} and his marriage is suffering and things are.... let's just say pretty fu-barred in his life at the moment. I don't really want to get into the details but being in Afghanistan really messed him up. It's so hard to be there for him when he's across the country. I wish I could just drive over to his place and take him out, you know?

And MY grandpa {dad's dad} is finally getting out of the nursing home, after spending time there to recuperate from a nasty bought with pneumonia. The doctors say that it is out of one lung but that the other lung still shows something. Something. My grandparents have elected NOT to have further testing done and my grandpa should be going home soon. They have also found a nice plot at a cemetery down in FL. We {between my mom & I} do not know if they are hiding information {unlike my MIL, they would totally hide something serious from everyone and put on a good face anyways ~ not a bad thing, they are just VERY private about "private matters"}. So.... that's all going down, too.

So I've been dealing with a lot the last few days and thus have not really had time to work on blog stuff.

Good news though, my medicine seems to be working and other than a few odd side effects {vomiting of course, waking up at night, and tiny panic attacks here & there, forgetfulness} I am actually enjoying what it's doing to me. I want to post about that separately. But I wanted to share it now just to update anyone who might be following THAT part of my life...

Thanks for understanding!!!

All best wishes, prayers, good thoughts are welcome & needed!! :) Thank you!!!

Project365 will be up later.

Posters 19 May 2011 8:09 AM (13 years ago)

Just a quick little Thursday morning post.

Whenever we go to a show or music festival we usually pick up a poster as our "souvenir". I bought a ton of matching frames from Target and when we used those up, I bought a bunch from Ikea. We had about six of our posters already hanging but so many more are still rolled up or waiting to be hung.

Last night, we FINALLY got around to hanging the ones that were going in our main room. {I someday hope to have a long hallway where we can display these.} The "Before" picture is actually after we had lasered/measured for the new ones. Hubby is SUPER anal about measuring correctly. I'm the type of person who likes to eyeball and whack a nail in the wall and hang it up.

But we do it his way when he's home. :)

BEFORE

We've always had three posters behind the couch. Recently we added three more as a top row (not showing here). The poster in the top right of this picture is new to the room.

I forgot to snap a picture before we started. Oops!

We DID have two posters on the wall near the table (which isn't showing here).

AFTER

(The table is usually positioned under the four posters.)

I am SO GLAD we finally got around to finishing this project! It was basically just adding four frames to the wall BUT we did have to put together the hanging parts on the frames which took some time.

Magnolia noticed before she even got all the way downstairs: "Thank you Daddy for hanging pictures. I like very much." Too cute! :)

So. Nowwwwww I just need to get paint so we can change the walls. I really don't like the shade of blue (everyone else does!) so I'm thinking something more along the lines of tan or grey. I just can't decide.

Speech 18 May 2011 1:24 PM (13 years ago)

This is going to be a real short post today. The City School District called me this afternoon at 1:10pm and was like "So.... you coming to the meeting today?" I had totally forgotten!! It was on the calendar, but previously the date had been Thursday. I think somewhere in my head I kept thinking it was on Thursday. It was not a big deal as Snowdrop had just finished her lunch; we quickly cleaned up and off we went. I was there by 1:24! Phew!! I wasn't really too late and they said they didn't mind. {I was supposed to be there at 1 to begin the review of the things they observed the day we went for testing.}

To make a long story short, both girls qualified for speech services. They'll start next school year. YAY!

Lipstick 17 May 2011 7:23 PM (13 years ago)

A couple weeks ago I kept Magnolia home with me on Wednesday and sent Snowdrop in her place to Gigi's. It was part me wanting time alone with her and partly me knowing she needed time alone without her sisters. She had been acting up that week and I was out of ideas. I think it seemed to work; we had a fun day! We bought a ton of flowers for the garden and she ran several other "big" errands with me. After we had worked outside for a bit, I sent her upstairs to get a new pair of pants.

She came back to me without pants but SO PROUD of her "Made-Up". She had applied it to her upper lip and not actually her lip! I shared a picture of this before during Project365 but there were some others from that mini-photoshoot that I've been meaning to post; they still make me laugh.

Without further ado...

I love you, Mags!!

Homemade Chicken Broth from Crockpot Chicken 16 May 2011 8:30 AM (13 years ago)

A bit ago I posted my recipe for Crockpot Chicken. I'm so excited that it was well-received! I'm super excited to share with you the way I make broth. As with the Crockpot Chicken, I got the recipe from Amber at Paint Chips and Frying Pans. So I am sharing with you today, the steps on how to make it.

Okay. So first you need to cook your Crockpot Chicken.

Then you need to eat your dinner. Go ahead, I'll wait. Don't forget your veggies!

Wasn't that delicious? Now that dinner is over, take the whole chicken and get all the meat off of it. The meat goes in a container in the fridge and will last us for a few days! I always wait until after dinner to do this so I can do it with my hands (the chicken will be very HOT if you do it sooner). Please wash your hands first. Using your hands will help you feel if there are any bones. Sometimes I am able to find the tiniest bone ever with my fingers that would have gone completely unnoticed. This is important for a couple reasons: A.) No one wants to choke or eat a bone. B.) You want as much of the non-meat parts of the chicken as you can get. When you are done taking all the meat off, it should look something like this. A gross pile of bones and skin and stuff.

Put it all back into the crockpot and add water until it covers the bones and stuff. Turn the crockpot back on. (You will want to have turned it off during dinner so it can cool a bit and to give your crockpot a break. I make my broths overnight so I don't like it running all day long and then through the night. I think it needs a mini break in-between.) At this point, I add more onions, celery, carrots, leftover veggies from dinner maybe, a couple Bay Leaves, some garlic cloves, NO SALT, DO NOT ADD SALT, you can always use garlic powder, onion powder, etc ~ I just usually have those things fresh & handy. You really don't need much, the bones & stuff will add so much flavor to the broth. As far as the salt thing goes, don't add salt now because when you use the broth you will absolutely be adding salt so you do not want to over-sodium-ize yourself, k?
Talk about being bloated the next day...

So you turn the crockpot back on at the LOW setting and set the timer for 10 hours. Depending on if it is later or earlier in the evening, I might set mine for 12 hours so the timer doesn't go off at 6:55am and wake the kids up. I'm sure you understand what I mean. But definitely give it at least 10 hours to cook together..

Now you go to bed. You've earned a good night's sleep. And waking up in the morning to the smell of freshly cooked broth is seriously amazing. I loooooooooooove the smell of my house after I make broth. LOVE. LOVE. LOOOOOOOOOVE.

Yum. Look at this stuff. How great does this look? And it tastes so good, too. I love to pour myself a tiny little glass of chicken broth and drink it. I know, I am a total freak but I don't care.
Chicken broth is so soothing.

Once you are up and at 'em, turn off that crockpot and remove the lid. Let the broth cool.

Last time I made this, I unplugged our crockpot and left the house. For three hours. The crockpot was STILL too warm to hold barehanded when we got home. I'm telling you, let it cool down. Not to the point of being cold ~ It needs to be warm but not hot.

Once it has cooled down to a warm degree, take a sieve and drain the liquid into a large pot.

Now you are ready to make soup. OR you are ready to freeze the broth for later.

If you are freezing it for later, I recommend measuring it in 2 cup increments into freezer bags. Be sure to label your bag with the item and date. AND WAIT UNTIL IT HAS COOLED OR YOU WILL BURN YOURSELF. When I made this broth and took pictures, I was planning on making chicken soup later so I did not freeze them. These pictures are of broths I have already made. I mentioned before in the Crockpot Chicken post about making them into "Files". I freeze them in my freezer in such a way that they will freeze "flat" and thus making them easy to "File" later on in my freezer. See?

And that's it. Yummy, rich, soothing, deep (can broth be described as deep? does that even make sense?) homemade broth. WAY better than bouillon cubes, WAY better than canned/boxed broths, and WAY easy to make if you're willing to put in the prep work. And if you're making a whole chicken anyways, why not use the bones and stuff to make broth. Otherwise they just go to waste being thrown out. Since discovering how to do this, I have only ONCE not made broth after making a chicken. I just feel so badly wasting it when I know it can be put to good use. (Boy, I think I could really learn a lot of useful things if I could spend a day with a real pioneer woman.) Sometimes I use broth to cook frozen veggies or pasta. It adds a lovely extra flavor. I was skeptical when I first read Amber's post and she said that I would never buy broth at a store again. But, she was spot on!!! I will never buy broth at a store (if I can help it!) again.

Shoes 16 May 2011 5:03 AM (13 years ago)

Gram, my mom, sent the girls these shoes as a belated Easter gift. They have hardly taken them off their feet since we opened the boxes ~ even Snowdrop! I think these are just SO CUTE. And the straps are velcro so the girls can put them on by themselves. LOVE. LOVE. LOOOOOOOVE!!! I really do love shoes. And I'm glad my daughters are following suit. {More chances at having my dream shoe closet when there are more people it would benefit!}

Sometimes, my mom really comes through with the whole grandma thing and I really LOVE IT when that happens. Especially when it involves shoes!!

Scavenger Hunt Sunday ~ May 15, 2011 15 May 2011 10:55 AM (13 years ago)

Scavenger Hunt Sunday Items: Give Me Flowers, Visual Contrast, Friendship, Before and After, Dark

Okay.

So I found time to do the Scavenger Hunt Sunday. Hubby came home earlier than expected from a bachelor party weekend so I was able to snap some shots!
YES!

{Give Me Flowers ~ from my SOOC Self Challenge! Check out more pictures here!}

{Visual Contrast ~ a vintage set of stacking snack containers that I rescued from my MIL's Goodwill box.}

{Friendship.}

{Before & After ~ My Personal Starbucks Counter.}

{Dark ~ Sunglasses keep my eyes in the dark.}

Head on over to Ashley's blog to check out all the other awesome entries for Scavenger Hunt Sunday! I totally encourage you to participate in this meme ~ it is one of my favorites! It's always a great challenge to find my interpretations of the items.

As mentioned, Hubby is home from his fun weekend so I am relieving myself of all motherly duties for the remainder of the afternoon. I'm going upstairs to veg out in front of the TV, maybe doze in bed, maybe finally hem those hallway curtains, perhaps I'll shower... maybe I'll shower and then go walk around the mall. Who knows!

I'm taking time out for me is what I'm doing! :)

Hope everyone has had a great weekend!

Blew My Cover 15 May 2011 3:43 AM (13 years ago)

OOPSIE!!!

So. This blog is registered to my maiden name email address. {I don't think I can change the registered email?}

I have all mail from that address forwarded to my UnexpectedWorld email address so I can keep blog correspondence in the right place. I don't use my maiden name email address anymore; I have one with my married name that I use for regular corresponding. Yes, I do like to make things complicated for myself. :)

No one in my family {well, my sister knows about it but I don't think she reads it! If she does, Hi Bug!}, none of my friends {okay actually ONE does ~ HIIII Lucy's Mama, who will also remain anonymous!!}, nobody we see ever on a regular basis, no one knows about this blog. Or has the name of it. Or whatever.

So I received an email on Friday morning from one of Hubby's friends about some baby clothing website.

In my tired state of mind that day, I then responded to said email.

I responded to said email from my UnexpectedWorld email address.

OMG.

WTF.

AYFR?!

{AYFR?! Are You For Real?! I just made that up. I don't know if that's a real... thing.}

I am an idiot.

Her email shot me back an "Out of the Office Till Monday" automatic reply... I contemplated calling her company's IT department to explain my situation and see if they could remove the superfluous email without infringing on any privacy rights. Meh. Then I thought that was a little overboard. {LOL.}

Maybe she won't even notice the email address? Maybe she won't even care.

This was probably bound to happen someday in one shape or form.

So, You. You know who you are.

If you pay enough attention to the email and notice the difference & decided to Google it and have just found me out:

please, pretty pretty please, don't tell anyone.

You can totally read my blog if it interests you, just please keep what you read here private.

See, this is like the ONE place I can go to.

And if everyone knows about it, then the fun will be gone.

The therapeutic-ness will disappear.

{My bestest friend in the entire whole universe doesn't even have the link to this blog. Not that she couldn't read every word on here... it's just having the ability to express myself freely. She's a smart girl, she might have found it out anyways... and because she knows me so well, she hasn't told me that she has. She's really the best. The absolute best. Hey Lady. Are you reading this? I love you to pieces!!}

So yeah. Please don't tell people.

Savvy?

Fabulous!! And Thank you. ;)

Fabulous Friday ~ May 13 14 May 2011 8:21 PM (13 years ago)

Fabulous Friday ~ May 13, 2011

This is from our rose garden! It is a SOOC shot and I love it!

{You can check out other pictures from my SOOC Solo Challenge in this post.}

Thank you for stopping by to check out my Fabulous Friday picture!

For those who might be new here, I host a Project365 linky on Fridays. You can check out this week's project, here! I'd love to see more projects linking up! :)

On a Very Serious Note. 14 May 2011 7:12 PM (13 years ago)

{I wrote most of this post on last Friday 5/6/11. I was interrupted before I could finish it... and well, you know how life goes.}
~
Seriously, this is totally on a very serious note.

And I'm just going to dive right in.

I have been SO depressed. SO stressed out. SO anxious about... everything!!

Anything and everything can set it off. I feel like a ticking time-bomb. I can eat just fine (haha, I'm even doing a good job at losing weight through clean eating!), I am exhausted but I can't sleep, I have zero desire to do housework or anything else, I yell at my kids all the freakin' time. I'm a ballistic bitch. Ok. I said it. I'm a big bitch. That is not always my fault. Hubby (God bless him, it's not totally his fault) has been SO unsupportive of my issues. It's not totally his fault; sometimes I'm just a bitch. On the other hand, it just doesn't help me out when I'm having a horrible time coping and he tells me to "Just Leave. Get out of here. Go back home if you're really so unhappy here. I'll raise the kids and you can have your life back."
(Really, he does! What a jerk!! Way to make me feel like you are totally not on my team, dude!)

I have been able the last few years to pick myself up, dust myself off, and live on. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of second personality that "takes over" when I can't. Or is that just "Being a Mom"? I do not know. I have reached a point now where I am just tired. I can't do it anymore.

I cannot function like a normal person should function.

So I just had my annual exam {YAY FOR PAP SMEARS! ~ that was only sort of sarcastic because truly YAY FOR PAP SMEARS they can save your life!} and I totally caved when my doctor asked me how things were going. I just seriously could not hold it together for another minute. My doctor, an OB/GYN who for the record is just about 40 and STILL trying to have a child, was really just so amazing.

I felt like SUCH a JERK complaining to her about all this.

{Sidenote: my mom, who was unable to have children, makes me VERY AWARE (in a negative way, duh!) how "fortunate" I am to be able to have kids. As if that means I should be happy my tailbone still hurts and I can't sit down/stand up without feeling it. As if I should be happy that sex fucking SUCKS because it's so painful, I should be delighted when my nipples bleed while nursing my newborn and I should praise God every time I pee my pants because peeing in my pants means that I got to push a baby out of my hoohoo... She has made me feel that I should never have a complaint about my life because I'm so fortunate to have been able to have my own kids. *le sigh*}

But my doctor is amazing.
And supportive. And sat with me for SO LONG to talk things out. And so she hugged me and told me that we are all blessed in different ways and that I'm not a jerk for how I am feeling about mine. She insisted that I am not complaining and that she is there to help me. She even said that I am one of her easier patients! She's really just so great. She didn't take it personally, like my mom alllllllllllways does. {And if I did offend her in any way, she never showed ONE inkling of it. Not one.}

And that meant so very much to me.

So now I'm supposed to be picking up some medicine later today that is supposed to help me function.

In addition to my mind being out of sorts... my tailbone/pelvis is still out of whack as well. This probably has made some contribution to my unhappiness since the baby was born. Long story very short, the muscles/bones in my pelvis got really out of whack when the baby was born. I began going to PT in February of this year. We worked just on my tailbone (which cracked and mishealed due to the muscle straining it) to see if that would help "everything" else down there, too. I felt great after a couple months of PT. So when Hubby and I resumed our...relations... and my tailbone got pushed out of place again it was SUPER depressing that I had to start PT again. I just feel so defeated. This time, we are treating me for the tailbone issues AND for pain in my hoohoo. See, the muscles in my pelvis are like SOTIGHT that they are knotty. Like how you get knots in your shoulders? I have knots in my hoohoo. And they are extremely painful. Especially when...you know. So the worst part of this is that we have to do these muscle releases. Sort of like massaging. Do you get where I am going with this? Yeah. My physical therapist has to massage my hoohoo (from the inside) to get the knots out.
Can anyone say Awkward? Embarrassing? Find me a rock to hide under? Or perhaps a heavy narcotic so I can forget about this easier? Please?

Why am I being this honest with you, Stranger?

Part of me does not know. Part of me hopes that someone out there is having similar issues to mine and goes to get help. Because I SWEAR that my physical therapist is a miracle worker sent to me from God. She has done SO MUCH to help me feel better down there. It is NOT normal to hurt down there after giving birth. Scratch that, it is not normal to be hurting sixteen months after giving birth. Yes, my tiny little body has been through A LOT (having twins plus another within two years) but it should not be "left in ruins". She said that so many women come to her and say that they just didn't realize it's not supposed to hurt, even a little. This week in fact, of the 60 hours she worked, 35 of them were with women who were having pelvic pain, as a result of childbirthing/pregnancy/etc. That amazed me! And made me feel so much less alone.

And the whole sharing thing is not just about the physical stuff, it's the mental stuff too.
If you're stressed out, depressed, "feeling blue", losing your marbles, a bitch for literally no reason at all, whatever is going on ~ you are not alone.
I feel that way, too.
All of the freakin' time.

Bloggers, like Chelsey The Paper Mama and Jennifer from Dishes in the Dryer and Delane from Life of a Mombie have reminded me that I am not alone in my struggle to enjoy mommyhood to its fullest. I wanted to say THANK YOU to Chelsey & Delane & Jennifer, and to all the others who I did not mention because so many of you have made a difference to me and have made me feel like I'm not a total nut-bag for feeling like this. You have also inspired me to speak up for myself and get myself 'fixed'. It is not fun feeling the way I do while I watch so many other mothers gleefully dance through motherhood. For me, the best news right now is that I have spoken up for myself and I am getting the help that I need... or at least starting on that road.

5/14/11 Update:
I am starting medication tomorrow night. I didn't want to start it Mothers Day Weekend and Hubby is out of town until tomorrow afternoon so I didn't want to be tinkering with medication while he wasn't home. Some of the side effects listed really scared me: psychotic episodes? WTF. AND the side effects are all like: extreme anxiety, depression, all the things I'm trying to get rid of? I'm confused by that. And of course, anxious (great) about what side effects I will have. Whatever. I can't remember what the medication is called and there's no way I'm running upstairs to find out. :) I will let you know how that goes. I HATE taking medicine mainly because I am always the one who gets the nausea/vomiting side effect. I feel like a nutjob. Fingers crossed, this will help me and not make me sick. Le sigh.

Okay. It felt really good to get all that out. Thanks for reading. I hope I didn't scare anyone away from reading my blog or step on toes or be a TOTAL Debbie Downer. Really. The blogging community has truly meant so much to me. Thank you!

Photo Dump: Our Rose Garden 13 May 2011 9:12 PM (13 years ago)

I believe this is what one calls a photo dump.

I intentionally played around with the settings on our camera before snapping almost every one of these shots. It was my feeble attempts at manual photography /slash/ pretending I was shooting with film and had only one chance to catch each picture. I'm a total weirdo. And soooooo this was fun for me to do.

{Of course, I couldn't help but watermark them. I do love that feather so.}

We have a rose garden in our backyard. This is what I see out my kitchen window. :)

Next to the rose garden you will see one of our vegetable gardens.

We only have a few tomato plants in so far.

My Peonies. I just love peonies. Except for the ant part. Ours are at the far end of the rose garden. I put up that fence thing just today to hold them up. {I took the picture above before I did that.} They were so droopy, you know, as peonies become when they bloom. We also have pink ones but they haven't bloomed at all yet. I hope to take pictures tomorrow of them. Um, so do you think I should try and thread some of the smaller buds through the fency thing?

Anyone else growing peonies?

There were probably about five small rose bushes back there in that part of the yard when we moved in but we have added more than ten since then!! They are surprisingly easy to take care of and always bloom so well. Hubby does fertilize them two or three times a summer... and they really are just beautiful. I'm not a fan of roses in bouquets (I refused to have roses at my wedding. Our florist is probably still reeling about that! Whatever. My wedding, biatch.) but I really do love them out in the "wild". Yes, the wild of my backyard rose garden. Hahaha! They are really lovely and blooming so fantastically right now I just had to snap a picture.

Here are the rest of my SOOC shots from our rose garden today.

a little out of focus, i think

This little guy scared the crap outta me when he went scurrying through the plants! No bigger than my shoe!!

And seriously, just way too cute!! Those ears!!

So his mother eats foliage in our yard & is now so comfortable with me that she will actually approach me/come closer to me to forage if I am still enough. I think that it's totally cool.

I never have my camera when it happens. Of course.

One bush

One "arm" of the bush in the picture below. I want to wrap it around a horse's neck.

We definitely need to work on getting some sort of trellis or something for these roses to climb on.

Any suggestions for a homemade something-or-other to do the trick?

These are the ones in the front right of the full garden picture at the top of this post.

These are new to our garden this year! ........... I think.

Just brilliant!!

I love this one, too!

Ta-Da!!

We also have white and yellow ones back there that were not blooming today. AND a stunning yellow/pink (it's called a Peace Rose) bush in the front of our house. And Hubby just planted another dark pink one out front next to that one. I'm sure you'll see more rose pictures as the summer continues.

Thank you for reading my blog ~ I hope you liked these pictures!

Try your own SOOC Challenge sometime! If you do, please comment here with a link to your pictures! :)

Project365 ~ 126 to 132 13 May 2011 7:19 PM (13 years ago)

Project365 is SUPER LATE being posted today. We can thank Blogger's recent issue {no biggie, but I was totally starting to go through withdrawal from blogging...} & the fact that Hubby is at a three-day bachelor party {Yes. I am an awesome wife!} which means that I am riding solo this weekend. Not that this isn't something I can handle. I totally can. In fact, I'm relishing this alone time. Usually, Hubby is pestering me about right now. Or watching TV in the other room.

This silence I'm experiencing right now (sans the sound of the keyboard being tapped) is true bliss.

*sigh*

Did you hear that? Yep. Me neither. Silence.

I'm hoping I'll get my usual burst of energy around midnight so I can stay up super freakin' late and clean my room. Hubby is usually sleeping by 11pm so I never have the right "time" to do it. I'm a night owl and a late-night cleaner. You betcha!

Okay. So.... as we say in show business (what?) ~> On with the Show!

I missed three days this past week. Boo. Last Friday and Yesterday (Thursday). Last night I was super busy helping Hubby run around and pack. I don't know what was going on last Friday. Oh well.

Project365 ~ Days 126 to 132

{My new apricot -you can't tell here- hyacinth. I love it! This is another edit using Ashley's Fairy Garden Effect ~ BUT this time, I filtered the effect with Difference Clouds (Photoshop). I really like the way it turned out!}

{Mommy Duck taking her babies for a boat ride. Mothers Day 2011}

{Midnight Snack.}

{My Really Awesome New Mirror}

{My First Sister and My Third Baby ~ Two of My Favorite People. EVER and EVER.}

{Oh. This was at our last sister lunch ~ Bug is going back home for the summer! We will miss her greatly.}

Please be sure to link up below!!! Thanks for stopping by my blog! Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I have a post about that. I probably just need to click "Publish Post" and be done with it.

I can't wait to check out what you've been up to all week. Can you believe we're already 131 days into this project?!

(Well, for those of us who started on Day 1 of this year! Those of you who didn't, will get here soon!)

I'm so happy people are still linking up AND that I'm still able to host it! Whoot whoot!! :)

Have a fabulous weekend!! Thanks again for stopping by & (hopefully) linking up!! :)

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