Google Raised My Baby, Vol. 9: Tips for Dealing With a Toddler in a Psychotic Fit of Rage 3 Nov 2014 7:13 PM (10 years ago)

You’ve seen it before: an angry toddler screaming and thrashing around on a shop floor or sidewalk. Do you feel for the child or the wide-eyed parent? Contributor Anna Lotto delves into her personal experience with these attention-grabbing emotional outbursts.

There’s a reason all those “look at my baby crying” photos on the Internet are photos and not videos. The live show is way less cute. It looks like this:

Every child is different, so each kid turns into a demonically possessed beast in their own special way. Here’s how my unique flower of a 2-year-old unleashes her inner monster.

The worst episodes tend to center on my daughter’s frustration at being unable to travel back in time. I try to do something like open the front door to go outside. Enraged, Mabyn yells that SHE wants to open the door. Irrationally thinking I can satisfy an irrational 2-year-old, I say “Fine. You open the door.” Now she really gets going and she screams, “I want to open the door BEFORE.” This refrain is repeated at an inhuman pitch for the next 10 to 12 minutes. She breaks for an extended shriek every 90 seconds or so. She actually says nothing but “I want to open the door BEFORE” on a loop, like a traumatized parrot. She somehow manages to get a good 10 decibels higher when she hits the “before.” Attempts at comfort are met with preternatural stiffening of the body and hyperventilated cries of “No! No! No!”

Please toddler, don’t hurt me!

Once this happened in our front yard and a concerned neighbor, from OVER A BLOCK AWAY, walked to our house “just to make sure everything was safe.” I don’t blame him—it sounded like someone was being tortured, not frustrated over missing out on the exact timing of a door opening. And I have to say, I’ll take the genuine concern of a stranger over any family member trying to say anything to me, ever, during one of these episodes. When Mabyn lost it once at a wedding and was screaming her snot-filled face off in the middle of the dance floor, an aunt said, “I guess you don’t put these pictures on Facebook.”

But to be fair, even when they ask something benign like “What happened?,” I don’t react well. I turn into my daughter by yelling, “She wants to open the door BEFORE!!!” And depending on how closely related I am to the person, I add “Fuck off!”

Some variants of the door/before refrain include:

“I want the poop BACK in!” (after being forced to change a shit-filled diaper)
“I WANT to get hit by a car!” (after being forced to take my hand while crossing the street)
“I want to get SICK from the turtle!” (after being forced to wash hands after handling a tortoise)

When you find yourself facing the wrath of a monstoddler in a full on homicidal rage, you hope that Google can save you. And then your hope dies.

There’s a huge blind spot on the Internet when it comes to how to deal with a toddler tantrum. This hole is all the more glaring because there is a ton of advice on how to prevent a toddler meltdown. “Make sure they never get too tired or hungry—that’s what triggers meltdowns.” Great advice. But I can’t give my baby an Ambien in the middle of a scream fest (wait, can I? Note to self: Google “baby Ambien”) and I can’t very well toss Cheerios down her throat while she’s mid hell-piercing scream (my aim isn’t that good). So, while that advice is very helpful pre-meltdown, it does dick-all when I’m in the midst of being terrorized by a tiny, hysterical banshee.

Listen, prevention is great, but all the condoms in the world aren’t going to help someone with full-blown AIDS. I needed some practical tips.

The advice that is out there for what to do during a meltdown sounds like it was written by a toddler mid-meltdown. It’s just a list of contradicting demands. Hug them/don’t touch them. Put them in their room/don’t leave them alone! Teach them it’s wrong/don’t punish them.

It doesn’t really matter what anyone says because all you can do if your kid is in the middle of a massive meltdown is stare in awe at the sheer amount of force their little bodies can produce. It’s sort of impressive as well as frightening. Like watching Bruce Banner become The Hulk.

When the tantrums began, I thought there was nothing to worry about. They started just before she turned two, so I figured this was part of the “terrible twos.” I commiserated with other moms about these outbursts like we were all dealing with the same thing, until I witnessed another little girl “throw a tantrum” during a playdate. This consisted of the girl plopping down on the floor and saying “No!” in a normal, non-deafening voice…and that was it! The mom tried to bond with me over our shared plight of “getting through this difficult stage,” but I wasn’t having it. It was like when my father tried to compare labor pains to his lactose intolerance.

After some targeted Googling, I learned Mabyn’s crazed fits fall within the bounds of normal, psychotic rages for a child. Apparently, like a Viagra erection, I should only call the doctor if it lasts longer than four hours. So when it happens now, I ignore it and hope it goes away on its own – just like a normal erection.

Desperate Google searches of a mom on the verge:

Symptoms of rabies in children
Anger management classes for toddlers
Toddler rage due to past life injustice
2 year old brain function explain
Toddlers who have fits are smart
Toddlers who have fits are dumb
Toddlers who have fits were ignored as babies
Toddlers who have fits have ineffective parents

Google Raised My Baby, Vol. 8: Can a 2-Year-Old Have Bieber Fever? 9 Jun 2013 9:32 PM (11 years ago)

A super fun part of parenting with someone else is trying to blame your kid’s worrisome behavior on the other parent. There is a special sense of joy that comes with being able to pinpoint exactly where the latest freakish habit came from and knowing you had nothing to do with it. This almost never happens because kids are great at coming up with horrifying behavior all on their own. But that doesn’t stop the desire to lay blame whenever possible. “Maybe if you didn’t drink so much beer in the house, she wouldn’t be so attached to her bottle.” Things like that.

I could hear the barely contained glee/rage in my husband’s voice one day after picking our daughter up from daycare when he said “So, what have you been telling Mabyn about Justin Bieber?” Apparently, our 2-year-old had answered the question of “What do you want for dinner?” with “Justin Bieber.”

That’s not quite as disturbing as it sounds, as we have a running joke where Mabyn will answer “mama” or “daddy” or the old standby “poop” when asked what she wants to eat. In terms of the toddler comedic repertoire, that’s pretty hysterical…to her. But the joke has never included celebrities. I told him that I definitely didn’t talk to our daughter about Justin Bieber, and couldn’t recall her ever having seen him or even hearing his name in my presence. He concluded it must be our daycare provider, who, at 31, was not immune to still coming down with a case of Bieber fever.

Before we got a chance to ask Ms. A if she was a Belieber, Ms. A beat us to the punch and confronted us about Mabyn’s newfound interest in the Biebs. When dropping her off one morning, she told us, “She says his name all day. She whispers it when she falls asleep at naptime.” Awesome.

Maybe liking Justin Bieber is just another sign of her love of music.

It can be disconcerting to have no idea how or where your kid has picked up something. (Obviously this is more disturbing when it’s physical, like scabies.) But it happens all the time. The other day when she was putting on her shoes, Mabyn announced, “I’m the baddest girl in town!” Surprisingly accurate, really, but we’ve never said those words to her. Did someone else? Was it in a commercial? Did she hear it on the street? Why do some things make such an impression in their little, crazy brains? Does Justin Bieber have subconscious messaging in his songs that toddler brains can pick up on? Um, sort of.

A Google search of “Justin Bieber psychological appeal” brings up some fascinating articles on the genius way the Biebs appeals to girls both very young and much olderfemales.

While older women liking Justin Bieber is clearly some kind of disturbing disorder, toddlers liking Bieber is totally and completely normal! Just look at this 3 year old.

Bieber fever is nothing new. It’s the timeless appeal of the non-threatening teen icon. The classic heartthrobs tend to be slightly feminine and super young-looking, and therefore not as scary as a big, hairy, full-grown man crush. Now the fact that there’s an entire website devoted to lesbians who look like Justin Bieber makes that much more sense.

Turns out with our daughter, Bieber fever was a short-lived phase. Just like trying to nurse other children’s nipples and shouting “penis” during library storytime, the behavior went away as quickly as it appeared. This proved once again that completely ignoring a problem often turns out to be the best parenting strategy. Mabyn has now moved on to a fixation with another classic sex symbol, E.T.

We never were able to pinpoint where Mabyn found out about Justin Bieber but that’s not surprising. Children are almost supernatural in their ability to soak up what they encounter in the world and make it their own…or maybe I left her alone with an iPad on YouTube for an hour—doesn’t really matter.

Here’s a list of Google searching reflecting other things Mabyn has been “into” since she turned two.

Getting out of bed 20 times a night “normal” toddler behavior
Toddler teeth brushing “not that important”
Can detangler entirely replace shampoo?
Do toddlers eventually potty train themselves?
Why won’t my 2-year-old let me go to the bathroom?
Difference between normal and psychopath toddlers
How to stop a 2-year-old from dominating every aspect of your life

The Fine Art of Setting Intentions 17 Feb 2013 8:32 PM (12 years ago)

I’ve been a firm believer in the power of affirmations for quite a few years now. More recently, I’ve started playing around with setting intentions. Much like affirmations, intentions are a great way to change your environment by changing your thoughts.

As Jennifer Louden states in her book, “The Woman’s Retreat Book“:

“An intention is not a goal, although you may present it to others as one. Intention is an aim that guides action. A goal, by contrast, is the purpose or objective toward which an endeavor is directed. Intention is gentle and keeps you in the moment, focused on unfoldment. Goal is driven and keeps you in the future, focused on finishing, on doing it all, doing it right. Forming an intention in the shape of a goal would defeat the purpose because it would take you out of being and into doing.”

When setting intentions, keep these five simple tips in mind:

Get clear about what you want to focus on. Know how you’d like to BE. Do you want to be healthy, wealthy, supported or loved? Know how you’d like to FEEL. Do you want this health, wealth, support or love to come to you easily and effortlessly?
Watch your words. Your focus here is to essentially reprogram your brain with new and positive thoughts and beliefs, so think clearly about your choice of words. Keep your intention focused on the positive and what you want—not on what you don’t want.
Write it down and repeat it often. Once you know what you want to be or feel, write it down. Hang it all over the house—on the fridge, in the bathroom, above your desk, on the mirror, on your dashboard. Put it anywhere and everywhere and repeat it to yourself as often as possible. Think of it as your own personal mantra.
Watch your thoughts. When you catch yourself sliding into your old thought patterns (and it will happen), getting caught up in your same old story or coming down with a case of the woe is mes, dig up that intention and repeat it to yourself a time or two.
Be patient and persistent. You don’t have to believe that the intentions will work at first (I used the “fake it ’til you make it” approach when I first started), just keep at it. Repeat your intention over and over to yourself throughout the day and you’ll start to believe it. Don’t beat yourself up when you have those moments where you slip. Just keep on keeping on.

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Google Raised My Baby, Vol. 7: When Is a Baby Smarter Than a Monkey? 31 Jan 2013 8:31 PM (12 years ago)

When my daughter was around 10 months old, she did her first really exciting trick. When I ~~screeched at her like a crazy person~~gently said “Do down dog,” she would get into a little baby down dog yoga position. It was thrilling. She couldn’t walk or talk, but she could understand this instruction. Obviously, I started ordering her to do it several times a day. I never thought I would be competitive about my daughter’s development, but I was aware that my pleasure in seeing her perform this task felt very “Toddlers & Tiaras“-ish.

Around this time, I had a dear old Canadian friend who hadn’t seen Mabyn in a few months come to visit. I eagerly paraded Mabyn’s various new skills—breathtaking displays like her finger going to the right place when I asked, “Where’s your nose?”

Being Canadian, my friend is constitutionally incapable of feigning enthusiasm. She simply said “So, she can do things you can train a dog to do now. Cool.” And then she added, “When do human babies become smarter than chimps? I think it’s around three.”

Maybn and gorilla

We proceeded to have a heated debate over the abilities of babies versus chimps. “Well, they can’t laugh.” “Of course they can. Go to Youtube right now.”

My Canadian chimp expert friend was right. Chimps totally giggle, and if you Google them, you’ll also find that they’re generally thought to be as smart as a three-year-old child.

WTF.

But it gets worse. Some chimps are smarter than teenagers.

Some studies even suggest some chimpanzees may outsmart college students.

So moms, whenever you feel proud of your child for doing anything, just remember, until they’re 21, you can add “just like a chimp” after everything they accomplish.

Maybn and monkey with buckets
Some genius chimpanzee figuring out how to take a bucket off its head, and my 2 year old daughter, not quite there yet.

If knowing that your baby isn’t as smart as a primate isn’t enough to humble you, the Internet is there is to help you do what it does best: compare and despair.

Before the Internet, it was much easier to blow off tales of amazing baby feats as urban legends. “Oh, I’m sure you could read at 7 months. Your mom definitely didn’t make that up.” But now, there’s accompanying video that thwarts your satisfying ability to call bullshit.

Here are some things you can Google which all have solid video proof if you want to see how your child measures up to the babies of the Internet. Thank God for the Internet and Canadian friends, or I would most certainly have Mabyn addicted to Go-Go juice by now.

Talking 3 month old
Walking 6 month old
Rock climbing 11 month old
14 month old baby can spell
7 month old baby dancing Gangnam style
Breakdancing baby (on the Ellen show)
Baby smoking (Ok, but it’s still impressive.)

5 Things to Do Before the End of the Year 28 Dec 2012 8:29 PM (12 years ago)

I think the end of one year and the birth of another is my favorite time of the year. I love the looking back and reflecting, which you can’t help but do as the year slowly comes to its end.

And at the same time, I look forward to the blank slate, the endless potential that the new year holds in store. There are so many options, so many opportunities to design and create the kind of year you want to have. It’s as if you have a free pass to do whatever it is you want to do…for a WHOLE YEAR! Think of the possibilities!

I think that’s why I enjoy my year-end free call that I’ve been doing these past couple years. I feel like it’s a way to take stock of the past year and to clearly focus on the new year. And I love being able to give back to my community like that.

To help close down your 2012 and start fresh with your 2013, I’ve come up with five simple things you can start doing today.

Are there more than five things you can do? Of course! There are tons of things you can do. But let’s face it, no one wants to get caught up in the shoulds and outtas right now.

I want you to have just a few simple things you can do to easily create order and set the tone.

Show appreciation – One of the things I like to do at the end of the year is send out emails (or cards or even phone calls) saying thanks to special people for being a part of my life. It’s so simple, yet it touches someone personally. I just received one of these simple year-end notes of thanks from one of my good friends—and fellow brainstormer—and I will say, I’ve reread it with a huge smile at least five times now. And I only received it yesterday.
Look back – I like to look back over my year and acknowledge all I’ve accomplished. I reflect on the big stuff and the small stuff. (Nothing is ever too small to celebrate!) You might find that you didn’t get around to doing a whole lot, but once you get going with that list, you’ll find it’s a lot harder to stop than you realized. And you can’t help but feel proud of all you’ve accomplished.
Delegate or ditch – While you’re looking back, think about what you did that you maybe didn’t enjoy. I may have created a few opt-in pages that I’m proud of, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed myself in the process. Or more importantly that it was money (in this case energy) well spent. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it was money lost. Know your strengths and your weaknesses. Spend your personal time doing what you’re good at and what makes you money. And ditch or delegate the rest.
Claim those deductions – I am by no means a tax expert here, but you do have many deductions you can (and should) claim before the year is over. I encourage you to check out a list of what’s deductible or speak with your financial or accounting professional. That said—just an FYI—coaching, training and classes are deductible. So if you’ve been considering working with someone for your business (I have January VIP slots available!), secure that 2012 rate now and claim that deduction!
Get some accountability – I know I talk about accountability enough that you must think I was a preacher in another life. But trust me, it makes a difference. Find a Mastermind Group. Reach out to someone that could become a mentor and remember to return the favor. Talk to a fellow entrepreneurial friend about teaming up as accountability partners. Hire a coach. Do whatever you can to get that accountability and support for your business. You’ll be surprised at the strides you’ll make in your business with your own accountability team.
Make a decision – Decide here and now what your business and your life is going to look like in 2013. Set that intention. Create that plan. Hire that coach. Secure that VA. Make a decision that this year is going to surpass each and every year that has come before it.

Albert Einstein tells us that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

So make a decision to do it differently this year.

Shake things up. Live dangerously. Invest in yourself and your business.

ACTION PLAN:Pick at least one of these and get started working on it TODAY. Not tomorrow. Not in a couple days. TODAY.

I encourage you to download a copy of my LOOKING BACK | LOOKING FORWARD: Reflection and Journaling Exercises for Closing Out Your Current Year and Creating the Vision For Your Upcoming Year workbook for more exercises like this (20+ to be precise). It’s totally free and one helluva resource if I do say so myself…and I do!

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4 Pillars of Good Sleep Hygiene for Kids 3 Sep 2012 9:28 PM (12 years ago)

Sleep hygiene refers to the set of habits and guidelines that promote consistently restful and sufficient sleep at night and complete alertness during the day. It’s what you can do (and in some cases, not do) to help your child (and you) sleep easy and well.

Like dental hygiene, instilling good sleep hygiene habits early on in life will promote the retention and sustainment of those good habits throughout a child’s lifetime. Sleep hygiene can even help children avoid a whole host of sleep-related disorders.

The clearest sign that a child has poor sleep hygiene—or could at least use some improvements in the area—is if he or she experiences nighttime sleeplessness and/or daytime sluggishness.

But that covers a broad base of issues, that could include any of the following:

bedtime resistance
anxiety about sleep
sleep onset delay
nighttime wakings
inadequate sleep duration
difficulty awakening in the morning
morning moodiness
daytime sleepiness

Every one of these issues and more can be traced, at least in part, to a lapse or gap in some aspect of proper sleep hygiene—and by the same token, every one of these problems can be alleviated—again, at least in part—by making the appropriate adjustments in sleep hygiene.

1. Bedtime schedule

Create a bedtime routine that works for you and your child, and then stick to it. Sleep and waking cycles need to act in harmony with all other body cycles, such as body temperature, metabolism, dietary schedule and hormonal activity—our circadian rhythms. Our bodies are designed to naturally seek out homeostasis, or the condition in which all body systems find balance. In order to achieve that homeostasis, all these circadian rhythms must sync smoothly with one another.

For any bedtime schedule to work, it requires two key components:

It must include both a regular bedtime and a regular waking time. Make sure the times you select are practical and realistic for you and your child’s other life schedules.
It should stay consistent seven days a week. If you must adjust it for weekends, then don’t adjust it by any more than an hour in either direction or else you defeat the whole purpose. Their physiology simply will not know when it’s time to sleep or be awake. And this goes double for teenagers.

Adults may find this framework an even harder challenge to meet than their children do because adult schedules usually differ from weekdays to weekends, and in many cases from weeknight to weeknight. Unfortunately, this irregularity in your own schedules may make it difficult to enforce a regular bedtime schedule in your children, but it makes it no less necessary.

At the same time, in order to be effective, the sleeping and waking times you set must not merely be consistent and practical for your schedules, but it must also enable your child to get a sufficient amount of sleep. These days, most experts place the right amount at around eight hours, although for younger children and teens, the number may be closer to 10.

Think of a bedtime time schedule like setting your child’s biological clock. Set it right and your child’s bodily rhythms begin to naturally run like clockwork.

2. Bedtime routine

Establish a regular bedtime routine for your child. A regular bedtime routine, about 1/2-hour long leading up to bedtime itself, is how you can best help your child to prepare for a good night’s sleep. A bedtime routine involves engaging in comforting and familiar activities that are also relaxing.

To be avoided during this critical time period are heavy emotional conversations, TV and video games, caffeine, lots of liquids, rough-and-tumble play and cardiovascular/aerobic exercise, and big meals and sugary snacks.

Foods with predominantly carbohydrates and proteins (like milk and cookies), and foods with tryptophan (like milk and turkey) both can actually help a child, once fallen asleep, to stay asleep. Just remember to keep bedtime snacks light.

Good bedtime routine activities include taking a warm bath, reading a story together, stretching, relaxing family time, and listening to tranquil music, nature sounds, or a relaxation CD.

As children grow older, you can be more flexible with bedtime routines, which may grow to include a walk outside, a chat on the back porch about the day’s events or future plans, or perhaps playing a board game or card game or doing a puzzle together. Older children may want to retire to their rooms to read, listen to music or work on a favorite hobby before retiring for the night and possibly listening to a sleep program.

Whatever activities you and your child decide upon, the cornerstone of your child’s bedtime routine is that he or she knows what time to slip into pajamas and brush teeth, what time to be in bed, and how much time can be spent on in-bed activities such as reading.

3. Environmental conditions of the bedroom

Certain qualities of the setting in which you set your child down to sleep can play a significant role in the quality of sleep.

Set a bedroom temperature that’s comfortable and will remain consistent throughout the night, erring on the cooler side as it’s more supportive of healthful sleep than an excessively warm room (that being anything over 75 degrees); and keeping that temperature consistent throughout the night can help avert nighttime wakings.
Make the room sufficiently dark. A small nightlight is okay, if needed, but too much brightness interferes with restful sleep.
Ensure sufficient ventilation/air circulation, such as by cracking the door open or using a ceiling fan set on low; refrain, however, from leaving a window wide open all night for both safety and health reasons.
Provide your child a quiet sleeping environment, for reasons that should be obvious.
Shut off the television, and what’s more take the television out of your child’s bedroom.
Keep the bed for sleeping, in other words refrain from getting your child in the habit of associating his or her bed with anything other than sleeping, such as playing, reading, eating, or watching TV.
Dress your child in comfortable pajamas, as the more comfortable he or she is the easier a time he or she will have of falling asleep and staying asleep.
For the same reason, provide your child with a comfortable mattress and pillows, bedsheets and blankets.

4. Daytime behaviors and habits

Many of the factors that influence your child’s sleep the most don’t even occur at night. On the contrary, a variety of habits and behaviors that have a major impact on his or her sleep occurs in broad daylight.

The following are suggestions of daytime behaviors supportive of good sleep hygiene.

Expose your child to sunlight first thing in the morning, as it helps to set circadian rhythms for the rest of the day. Additionally, ensure your child gets sufficient exposure to natural sunlight on a daily basis.
Don’t use your child’s bedroom for punishments or time-outs, as a child must feel comfortable, safe and happy to be in his or her bedroom in order to fall asleep and sleep soundly.
Monitor the content of your child’s television viewing, Internet surfing and video game playing, as exposure to excessively violent, disturbing or confusing images could be responsible for many sleep disturbances, such as nightmares.
Confront bullying or other prevalent emotional issues in your child’s daily life, as any number of daily stressors could directly impact your child’s sleep.
Discuss your child’s medicines with his or her pediatrician, as some medications (including prescription drugs, over-the-counter medicines, and all-natural/herbal remedies) could have side effects that interfere with your child’s restful sleep. If your child turns out to be on such a medication, your doctor can usually help you find adequate alternatives devoid of such side effects.

Improvements in your child’s sleep patterns likely won’t happen overnight, but once you begin implementing good sleep hygiene practices in your child’s life, you’re bound to notice positive results in due course.

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Back-to-School Separation Anxiety: Kindergarten and College 15 Aug 2012 9:28 PM (12 years ago)

Human beings, like other animals, have a considerable stake in the well-being of their offspring. When children are very young, a great deal of time and effort is invested in keeping them safe. Infants are kept close by and strangers are treated with certain wariness. The tendency to be guarded may become exaggerated or persist too long as a child grows up. Such a parent is said to be “overprotective.”

There are a number of ways such a parent can inadvertently communicate fears to a child, who then, if such fears become pervasive, can develop an anxiety disorder. Certain ideas underlie a phobia, for instance. Somebody who is afraid of travelling away from home and more afraid as that person goes farther and farther can develop fears of driving, flying and getting lost. Someone afraid of strangers can become excessively worried about intruders—and sometimes kidnappers and terrorists. Often, these fears, which are described most commonly in adults, grow plainly out of difficulties separating from a parent that are apparent even in childhood.

Kindergarten
A common scene the first day of kindergarten is of one or another child hanging on to his or her mother tearfully, afraid of being left alone with the other children and with the teacher. Most children are not discomforted by this first experience with school because most children have been leaving their mothers more and more throughout the previous years. But if a mother is overly concerned about a child being vulnerable away from home, that child is likely now to reflect that fear.

Treatment
This familiar situation is always treated the same way. The child should always be encouraged to do what the other children are doing—going off, let’s say, to play with the some toys in the next room. But if the child is too upset, the parent should stay with the child until he or she calms down. Then the parent will recede into the background and allow the child to be distracted by the other children. With very frightened children this process may take some time. It is important that the parent not get upset by this process.

Another common situation where children have trouble separating from their parents is at a later age when they have to get on a bus to take them to sleep-away camp. Some children cry; but I have seen mothers crying and unwilling to let their children board the bus.

The principles involved
This process of separating should be slow and patient, but firm. At every point the child should be encouraged to do what the other children do, taking into consideration that child’s particular feelings. Go slow if the child is particularly upset. But make sure not to back down in the end.

College
Some parents are so afraid of their children leaving that they insist the child go to college nearby. I always argue as hard as I can against this idea. It is usually these children, in particular, who would profit from being in a college away from home. Very few children cannot make the adjustment if they are encouraged. Some are “homesick,” of course, but usually homesickness lasts only a few weeks. Other fears fade away with time.

Think of all the tasks someone this age must undertake in the next few years:

Learning to develop one’s own values, perhaps different from those of his or her parents
Learning how to make new friends
Learning how to relate sexually
Choosing interests, and eventually a purpose—that is, a career

All of these tasks have to do with separating from parents, and they must be accomplished over the next few years for someone to grow up.

This is not to say that parents say goodbye to a college age child casually, without misgivings and without a sense of loss. I don’t think that is possible. But nowadays the children are at the other end of a cell phone, and so the process is not as abrupt as it seems. And they do come back safely. And as I can attest personally, even grandchildren come back safely.

The post Back-to-School Separation Anxiety: Kindergarten and College appeared first on ConstantChatter.

Google Raised My Baby, Vol. 6: Who’s (Probably) Your Daddy? 25 Jul 2012 9:27 PM (12 years ago)

My daughter looks strikingly like her father. People are always pointing out how unlike me and like her father she looks. It’s ok since her dad is very pretty. And apparently, there’s an evolutionary reason for babies looking like their dads. According to renowned sociological biologist Dr. Google, babies resemble their fathers so the dads stick around. Infants’ dad-like features are a primitive DNA test to show paternity. This is the second result that comes for the search: “baby girl looks like father”

However, if you change the search to “infant girl looks like father,” the first result is an equally reputable article suggesting the exact opposite evolutionary theory.

WTF Google! Both of these articles are from real sources. What am I supposed to do, take in the information and make up my mind alone…like, offline??

The second article says that babies don’t look like their fathers so a cuckolded dad will take care of his best friend’s offspring. It says the idea that babies look like their fathers is just a myth, partially perpetuated by mothers. Apparently, moms like to say babies look “just like daddy” so daddy doesn’t start matching junior’s features with the mailman’s. In the words of Chris Rock, “he’s got your hat!”

By the way, while Googling for that exact Chris Rock quote, I found this article in Psychology Today about how Chris Rock is funny because his humor reflects established evolutionary psychology.

Oh Google, you’re just so perfect sometimes. I could never stay mad at you.

Not having your likeness passed on can make you feel like a genetic wimp made up of a bunch of conquered chromosomes. I wonder if my dad felt that way with his middle daughter, who looked nothing like him as a baby.

My dad and his weak-ass genes/tight-ass jean jacket

It’s amazing he didn’t haul ass when she came out. It’s especially strange when, in the case of both me and my father, the dominant traits of dark hair and dark eyes are conquered by the gentler, kinder blonde and blue-eyed traits. And here’s (possibly) a much more extreme example of that.

It’s Mabyn’s piercing blue eyes that make her look so much like her dad and so strikingly not like me. Despite the fact that brown-eyed people, even two of them, can have blue-eyed offspring, it’s amazing how many strangers say, “her eyes are so blue! But you have brown eyes…” Then there’s that moment where they’re clearly wondering if she’s adopted. Not that I would care if she was, but I do feel the need to give a cursory genetics lesson and let them know that I did, in fact, give birth to her. Because while it’s condescending, it’s not as offensive as showing them my C-section scar.

Most adults accept this (with the exception of one adamant CVS clerk who I think almost called the cops on me) but young kids have a hard time. A 5-year-old asked who Mabyn’s mother was at the park the other day. I told her it was me and she gave me a “yeah right” look. Then she said, “but you don’t have blue eyes.” I said “but her father does.” She thought for a minute and then said, “Oh, you guys are playing family. I play family with my best friend all the time.”

Like most parents, one of the most fun parts of “playing family” is the “will my baby’s eyes stay blue” game. Most (white) infants have dull, dark bluish eyes for the first few weeks or months, before they turn brown or solidify as blue. I tried to Google the chances of Mabyn having blue eyes and failed miserably. The best I could come up with was she had between a 1-in-2 and a 1-in-64 chance of having blue eyes. Every search leads you to the dreaded Punnett square and then I start feeling bad about my education because I never mastered this simple genetics method in ninth grade. I then Googledreally hard and finally came up with a ~~lazy~~ reliable genetics predictor for eye color.

In about a 10h of the time, I probably could have actually learned how to do the Punnett square with the BB and Bb bullshit, but finding this fun drag-and-click chart was much more satisfying.

After you have the odds of the eyes staying blue, you just have to sit back and wait to see if they change or not. Mabyn’s kept getting bluer, but that didn’t stop the haters. Strangers loved to say things like, “Oh, her eyes are so blue. My baby’s eyes were even bluer than that, but they changed by the time she was [one month older than however old your baby is] months.” Now she is one and a half and the age of eye changing just keeps going up. “Think they’ll stay blue?” people ask. And then they always have a story about a 3-year-old whose eyes turned to shit overnight.

I do think brown eyes are also lovely. All eyes are lovely. I think my sensitivity to the blue-eyed issue comes from my childhood growing up with a blue-eyed sister (and also, maybe a little from the whole Hitler blonde hair/blue-eyed race thing).

I still remember how strangers would fawn over my sister’s blue eyes when she was a baby and I was an already bitter 4-year-old, being ignored until I crapped my pants to remind the world of my existence.

If we have another baby girl and she has brown eyes (as there’s a 66 percent chance she will, according to Internet genetics calculators for idiots), I hope she isn’t jealous of Mabyn’s eye color. But at least now I have the rudimentary understanding of genetics to know that when she grows up, she too has a 20 percent chance of one day having a blue-eyed baby of her own who will fill that childhood void by being complimented, however passive aggressively, by strangers.

Here’s the Google searches of a desk chair geneticist:

Easiest way to explain genetics
Eye color for dummies
Genetics without Punnett square
Father’s genes “dominate completely”
Super dominant sperm
Weak female eggs
Does alcohol weaken your chromosomes

What Does Your Child Really Need For Back-to-School? 16 Jul 2012 9:26 PM (12 years ago)

With the beginning of the school year looming, now’s the time to begin preparations for a successful transition. Here’s a list of the areas to focus on when you’re getting all your kids’ ducks in a row.

A routine
One of the most important gifts you can give your child as he or she prepares for a new school year is a schedule that includes plenty of sleep. Summer schedules tend to be more relaxed, but during the second half of August, it’s important to begin talking to your child about what bedtime means in your house. Children require different amounts of sleep, but most of them require much more than you would think. If you begin working on “the evening ritual” during the second half of August, it won’t be a shock when it really needs to be in effect.Also, if there are any issues that need to be addressed, work on them before all the other stresses of school begin: Does your child need to learn how to work an alarm clock? Do you need extra time before bed for teeth-brushing practice? Do you want to get in the habit of selecting an outfit before bed? Children perform much better in school when they are used to a routine. Create and post a list of tasks that need to be done in the evening and title it “Before Bedtime.” While you’re at it, create another list of tasks for the morning and title it “Morning Schedule.” If your child isn’t reading yet, use pictures to create the list. On at least one of those lists, please include story time. Reading with your child is not only enjoyable; it promotes intellectual curiosity in children.
Reassurance from parents
Regardless of your child’s age, a new school year brings anticipation of new friends, new teachers and new things to learn. All of that newness brings with it a certain amount of trepidation, too. In the weeks before school starts, talk first about the positive aspects of last year’s school experience. Even if it wasn’t a banner year, surely you can find something positive to say. Remember that the social aspect of school is nearly as important as the academic part. If your child made strides socially, be sure to point those out, too. Report cards don’t provide a complete evaluation of a child’s growth.After you discuss the positive aspects of last year’s experience, talk about what is likely to be different this year. For small children, you might talk about going to a different classroom and making new friends. Stress that a new teacher is going to do things differently, but that good manners and respect work well in every classroom. For older students, the reassurance from parents should take the form of, “I’m proud your accomplishments. You have talents that we want to develop, so let’s work together to set some goals.” Please don’t turn an opportunity for reassurance into a lecture. You and your child are a team, so when it’s time for reassurance, let your kids know that you will be there to help them grow into kind, responsible human beings.
A teacher who understands
Sometimes parents prefer not to communicate with their child’s teacher because they’re afraid that the teacher will form an unfavorable opinion of their child before school has begun for the year. I disagree. If you have concerns, your child’s teacher needs to know about them. The best way to approach this is to contact the school about two weeks before school starts. The week before school starts is an extremely busy time for teachers, and you’ll make points with a teacher if you’re courteous and respectful of the demands placed on them before school begins. So contact the school slightly before that week before school begins. Class rosters are usually decided by that time. Explain to the school secretary or counselor that you would like a brief meeting with the teacher prior to the beginning of school to discuss the ways that you can work together to help your child be successful this year. Also explain that you have some information that might be helpful to the teacher. Teachers appreciate helpful parents. Think of a new school year as a fresh start for everyone. Try not to bring any leftover hostility with you when you meet a new teacher. A new teacher means a new approach. If you work with a teacher rather than against her, it will benefit everyone involved, especially your student.
School supplies that “fit”
In “When Your Centerpiece is Made of Crayons and the Dog Has Eaten Your Crayons,” I wrote about the angst a parent feels when he or she sees the seemingly endless array of baby products available in stores today. A close second to that is the array of school supplies that begin to appear in stores by July. I thought we had a lot of supplies available to us in the 1980s, but now…whew, it’s enough to give a well-meaning parent a headache. (Fortunately, in many stores, the aisle containing headache remedies is located nearly adjacent to the school supplies aisle.)As funny as it seems, when parents are faced with school supplies, their eyes glaze over, and they forget the age of their student. If you repeat to yourself, “My child is ___ years old,” as you peruse the products, you’ll find that many of the products are not age appropriate for your child, and therefore you can ignore those products. Your kindergartener is not likely to need highlighter pens, and your fifth grader is not likely to need triangular crayons. Thankfully, many schools provide a shopping list of the supplies that are required for your child. If not, please buy the bare minimum. I know, everything is so shiny and the kittens on the folders are really cute, but save yourself a headache and a lot of money. Don’t buy pens for young students, be sure that scissors are age appropriate, and truly…pencils and paper are really all they will need for the first day. After that, you’ll have a better sense of what supplies are required.

My suggestion to parents is that they put their hard-earned money into an excellent-quality backpack. Backpacks get quite a workout, so the more durable they are, the better. Also, children tend to try to pack everything from their bedroom into their backpack, which results in an extremely heavy backpack. Please buy a backpack that fits your child’s size. Not her age–her size. Some catalogs and websites offer size charts for backpacks. I use them every year. The key to an effective backpack is adequate pockets and well-functioning zippers. Be sure to test them before you buy, or if they’re ordered from a catalog, check the zippers before you remove any tags. One final thought on school supplies: Please put your child’s name or initials on everything that you buy. When you are in the school supplies aisle, pick up a permanent marker. That one is for you.
Carefully chosen extracurricular activities
Children are supposed to play. When school is done for the day, they need time to process what’s happened in their day. Unstructured play strengthens the imagination and reduces stress in children. Please avoid the temptation to sign your child up for every activity that comes along. We’ve all seen the barrage of paper that comes home with students at the beginning of the year. It’s “recruiting time” in earnest. When it’s time to decide which extracurricular activities are right for your child, ask yourself, “What does my child want to do? How many days a week should my child be involved in activities? When will homework be done? When will we spend time together as a family?” Your answers to these questions are specific to you and your child. I recommend that a child (and parent) select two activities per season. Keep in mind that a child who is forced to participate in an activity is almost sure to hate it. Also keep in mind that video games and the use of earbuds do not constitute extracurricular activities. They do little to foster a healthy imagination or social skills. Placing healthy limits on non-school activities is necessary for your child’s health and success in school.

Children need balance in their lives, and it’s up to parents to create that balance. The start of a school year is a new adventure. If you approach it with optimism and ease into it by preparing in the weeks before school begins, your child is likely to view it in a positive light. Then, once school starts, be available to listen and take an interest in the tiny details that are important to your child. After all, their triumphs are yours, too.

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Babies, Babies Everywhere 16 Jul 2012 9:25 PM (12 years ago)

When I was younger I often spent much of my free time mixing dirt with varying degrees of water and baking mud pies in my father’s tool shed; sitting in my parent’s parked car–my freakishly-real-looking baby doll in the backseat–humming to non-existent music and cursing at non-existent passersby on the “road;” or dressing up in my mother’s old clothes and make-up (or what little of it I was allowed access to) and pretending I was on my way to something that was a very big deal. I had Barbie dolls, a big Barbie house and even a Barbie convertible. I had play money and tea sets and stuffed animals that were–to my knowledge and experience–filled with life and thoughts and emotions, and even some very good ideas. And I had a bunch of other friends and peers who were spending their own free time doing some version of the very same thing, at least when we were not doing it together.

These are memories many women have from their younger years: mimicking mothers or friend’s mothers or the women who served as our role models with an innate understanding that one day we, too, will be needed and will have responsibility. We, too, will make real, edible pies; drive a car that is actually running on an actual road; and hopefully–at least on occasion–dress up and be on our way to something that is a very big deal, whether a first date, a job interview, or most definitely one day our own wedding. And, if we are following wholesome tradition, at some point after that wedding we will welcome a baby into this world. And then perhaps another. Babies we will love and nurture and who will love us in return, at least until they become teenagers.

Life doesn’t always unfold according to plan, at least if we’re lucky. But one thing that does seem to be running on schedule in my life at this moment is the rate at which my friends who were married within the past few years are now announcing they’re expecting. For some it’s a boy, for others a girl. And for a few, the secret is still not out. Some announce the old-fashioned way with a note in the mail, a phone call or through e-mail, while others post a picture on Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr of a cupcake cut in two, the interior pink or blue. And a few, God save them, post their three-dimensional sonogram images, an arrow pointing to their unborn child’s goods, so that anyone in their online social circle’s social circle can view a fetus’s developing genitals and simultaneously the inside of a uterus. (No, it does not look just like you. And no, it is not beautiful.)

While the announcements are always slightly expected, they still seem to come as a bit of a surprise. Not so much because I don’t think these women are ready to be mothers, but more so because I don’t feel that I’m ready to be a mother. Or maybe it’s not quite that I don’t feel ready; if I had a baby tomorrow I would know what to do, or at least know enough to get me by until I could get ahold of my own mother. I have the books and bookmarked the websites. I’ve read up on breastfeeding, have a few names picked out and know what cloth diapers I will use, as well as what laundry detergent and household cleaners. I know what fashion sense I’ll impose on them, at least until they know better. I even have a few playgroup ideas and a few schools in mind. My husband and I cannot currently afford the tuition, but I suppose we have some time to figure that out.

I just do not feel ready. I still have so many projects to finish and things to accomplish that take up so much of my time. I’m still chipping away at my student loans, and my savings account has definitely not reached a number I feel comfortable with. I haven’t even hosted a proper dinner party for more than a few guests. And I cherish and desperately need my alone time. I look and act like an adult in many ways, but in many others I still feel very much like a child.

My gynecologist, of all people, tells me I will never feel ready. I will never have everything I want to have in order in order. I suppose this is true. My life will probably never be in order the way I imagined back when I was mixing dirt with water in my father’s tool shed, sitting in my parent’s parked car cursing at no one or dressing up and pretending I was on my way to something important. Until I figure that out, or at least until I deem myself mature enough to guide a new life along its own path, I will continue to get my baby fix by clicking through image after image of my friends with their new additions, each wearing an absolutely adorable ensemble while sleeping or smiling or drooling. Little beings settling into their own places in this world, before all hell breaks loose.

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