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Your Quarantine Horror Movie Watch List 10 Apr 2020 7:51 AM (5 years ago)

Here is your horror movie watch list, curated by me, a woman who's seen a lot of movies, podcasts about them weekly, has written and spoken about horror, and is not taken seriously.


Isolation

It's out there, patient and invisible. We shut ourselves up inside our homes, but we can't escape its presence. It lingers in the gutters, between the panels of our secure moments, waiting for us to touch our face.

Solo

All new camp counselors must go on a two-day solo trip on a nearby island. Which is said to be haunted. No big deal, right? Wrong! Gillian is not alone on the island, and her benign solo adventure turns into a true survival test.

The Interior

The woods are creepy at night. What's making all those noises out there, in the dark? Is it just animals? Or is it your own imagination, your crumbling sanity made manifest?


Uncertainty

Daily we ride a roller coaster of emotion. We're hopeful, then fearful, then panicked, then hungry. We're bombarded with conflicting messages and predictions, politically-motivated op-eds, and TikTok videos. Who are we to believe about what's really going on? How long will this "new normal" last? When will our Amazon package arrive? None can say.

Containment

Imagine waking up to find yourself trapped in your apartment. Imagine not being able to text or google, and the only contact from the outside is a message to remain calm. Now imagine that you've banded together with your neighbours and together you try to figure out what's going on but the conversation just goes in circles because no one has any new information and the doctor you've kidnapped is unforthcoming. Finally imagine that you're determined to survive this thing, whatever it is.

The Lapage's Demon

Is it possible to predict every outcome of every scenario imaginable given a certain set of circumstances? Truly death is the only constant, inevitable. It's just a matter of when.

In the Mouth of Madness

Horror novelist Sutter Cane has disappeared, but his work endures. In more ways than one. When his investigation leads him to the should-be-fictional town of Hobb's End, insurance investigator John Trent finds more questions than answers. Primary among them being, what the hell is going on in this movie? Is he going crazy? Is he a character in a book? Let me know if you figure it out.


Time Marches Ever Onward but has Lost All Meaning and We are Adrift in a Sea of Tuesdays

You've been wearing the same comfy outfit for days. Nothing changes inside or out. Sometimes the sun shines, sometimes it rains. The monotony of work-a-day life has been replaced with the monotony of work-from-home life, now punctuated by video conferences instead of coffee breaks. At least you don't have to put on pants.

Happy Death Day

Happy birthday dear friend! Better enjoy it while it lasts because it will be your last, which you will relive again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until you figure out who killed you.

Triangle

A day cruise turns deadly when Jess and her friends are stalked by a figure with an axe. Worse yet, they seem to stuck in a loop in which they die over and over and you get the point. Only you don't get the point, not really, because this movie is a total mind-fuck.


Existential Dread

All of it, the physical distancing and social isolation, the uncertainty, the perpetual motion of the eternal return have at last instilled within us our sense of place in this world. And that place is neither safe nor secure. Our insignificance is overwhelming; we don't matter. We are matter, and nothing more.

The Void

A mad doctor opens a portal to a dark dimension but not before the irresistible influence of The Void is felt by those trapped inside his hospital.

The Prince of Darkness

A priest asks a scientist for help studying a religious artifact, but neither one is prepared to fully understand what's really going in with that thing in the basement. A fun surprise awaits fans of DJ Shadow.

Body Parts

What is the true nature of being? Are we, each of us, a singular and unique whole, or are we a sum of parts, each one imbued with its own vital essence? Where does the soul live and, more importantly, where does it go after we've shed this mortal coil? Also, is it possible to transplant a head?

Nail Gun Massacre 28 Jul 2018 6:58 AM (6 years ago)

Nail Gun Massacre is a weird movie. Also, a bad movie. A weirdly bad movie. It's your typical rape-revenge fare, but with a slight twist. A twist that could have worked, but doesn't.

Here's the killer all dressed up:

It's pretty clear that's a woman under the camo. And she's none too tall.

Here's the killer, unmasked:


And here he is standing next to his sister, the woman who should be the killer:


There is simply no way Bubba could be the camouflaged nail gun killer. I get what the film was going for, I really do, but it doesn't come by its twist honestly. And for that reason the movie, on the whole, fails to make the grade.

And then there's the last shot:


This puzzling image is accompanied by a musical sting, an ominous tone meant to suggest the killings aren't over. The man on the left is the handsomest doctor is all of Christendom. He's been working with the Sheriff to figure out who's killing the town's carpenters. Dr. Sexy refuses to believe the sister is the killer. He's right, of course. But what to make of the two of them walking hand-in-hand into the sunset? Are they an item? Will he avenge her now that her brother's dead and can no longer carry her burden? Or will she take her own revenge on whoever's left?

That's a valid question, because the killer nail guns everyone he comes across. Not just the men who raped his sister, but anyone in his eye line:


Girls.


Couples.


And a hitchhiker just looking for a ride.


I don't know who this dead woman is, and neither does the movie.

There are many ways to (try to) explain why Nail Gun Massacre is such a mess, and each one is just as believable/unbelievable as the next. Suffice to say, and at the risk of repeating myself, this movie is bad in a bad way.

Solo: A Star Wars Story 29 May 2018 1:34 PM (6 years ago)

I am the worst kind of Star Wars nerd. I LOVE the original trilogy, and read a ton of EU in my teen years. I've since forgotten most of what I knew (which was a lot), but I still cling to the good ole days, before the OT was re-released with that celebratory scene on Coruscant that MADE NO SCENE. SERIOUSLY, IT TAKES TIME FOR NEWS TO TRAVEL TO THE CENTRE OF THE GALAXY WHERE THE EMPIRE IS STILL VERY MUCH IN CHARGE.

Hearing the expanded universe was deleted upon the release of The Force Awakens was tough. But I got over it (read: myself) and enjoyed the film for the fun adventure it was. Rogue One was pretty good minus the incomprehensible decision to cut away from the super star destroyer crashing into the shield generator, and the equally stupid idea to name a planet Jedha. And with the exception of one wholly unnecessary space Monaco sequence, The Last Jedi was a great ride.

All this is to say, I got on board with the new crop of Star Wars movies, which was no mean feat given the giant kick in the nuts that was the prequels. But then along came Solo: A Star Wars Story and all its bad press and even worse trailers. (Also, I might add the marketing: Memorial Day is meaningless to people outside the United States, so plastering that all over the initial advertisements kind of alienates non-US audiences.) I was not looking forward to this movie. Seeing it was a chore, and I paid the least amount of money I could--five whole dollars.

Did I get my money's worth? I guess so. Solo is really just a big heist movie, and probably owes more to Firefly than any part of the Star Wars EU, old or new. That having been said, it does include more nods to the OT than any other Star Wars film to date, but it'll still take me a while to accept the new version of how Han and Chewie met. Also there's not a wipe to be seen.


I didn't walk out of the theatre hating Solo, and as I stood on the subway platform, waiting for the northbound train, I thought I'd probably like the movie even more once I'm further separated from it in time. It's now been about two hours since I the credits ended, and while I'm still not prepared to say I liked the movie, I'll admit that it's not nearly as bad as I imagined.

Still, there are some nits that I can't help but pick. Like how Enfys Nest's theme sounds a lot like the choral pieces from the 1995 Ghost in the Shell soundtrack. And when Enfys takes off her helmet and we see her for the first time, it's shot and scored as a big moment except that we have no idea who she is. What'st the point of building up this reveal for a character we don't know? Finally, with respect to Enfys, there's a missed opportunity when she's talking about what the coaxium represents; not once does she say the word hope. I could go on about how Alden Ehrenreich seems like he's channeling Chris Pine's Kirk, or about Qi'ra's grossly underwritten backstory, but I'll save it for another rant (be sure to check out TheAvod episode 437!).

Solo doesn't do anything to enrich the story which unfolds in the other Star Wars movies. It's a stand-alone, a one-off that ends with a tie-in to A New Hope and...The Phantom Menace?!? On the one hand, I'm glad the film is a self-contained adventure, but on the other hand, it doesn't feel like a Star Wars movie. Yeah, there's an Empire and whatnot, but the story being told could be about any rag-tag band of thieves stealing anything in any universe (see Firefly comment above).

The ultimate test of whether this film passes muster is if I'll see it again. And the answer is probably. On Netflix. Which is more than I can say for Rogue One or The Last Jedi, two films I liked better but have yet to watch a second time. Make of that what you will.

Darken 28 Nov 2017 2:07 PM (7 years ago)

Darken provides. More to the point, Mother Darken provides me with Canadian scifi. If you're not overly familiar with Canadian scifi, it has a certain look and feel. There's something distinctly...Canadian about it. A kind of mild claustrophobic atmosphere.

Anyway, Darken is a new film from Audrey Cummings, and very different from her previous outing, Berkshire County. Eve, a nurse who's struggling with having lost a patient, suddenly finds herself trapped inside Darken, a world of seemingly infinite, interconnected rooms. Presently, Darken is ruled by Clarity who is slowly consolidating her power. Claiming to act on Mother Darken's behalf, Clarity won't tolerate any talk of a world beyond Darken and is swift to persecute dissenters. Eve's presence in Darken threatens Clarity's hold over her people and, well, we can't have that.

What follows is your standard dystopian plot, with plenty of action and drama. As Eve stumbles her way through the world, she learns about its dangers and secrets. Not all is revealed to her, and that's one of the film's strengths--there's still a good amount of mystery left in the world. For instance, although we learn the fate of Mother Darken, the world's absentee creator, we don't know where she came from. And when the film ends, Eve and her friends find themselves staring down a new beginning.

Darken reminded me of The Odyssey, a TV show from the early 90s which I really liked. It, too, is about a stranger in a strange land trying to find their way home, and guess that's something we can all understand on some level--the desire for the familiar comforts of home. In Darken, each room belonged to someone, but the rooms themselves aren't inviting, making the world that much more alienating and foreign.


Weirder still, no one in Darken can remember their life before they arrived. All they know is they were lost, and Mother Darken gave them sanctuary. If this sounds vaguely like a metaphor for suicide, know that I thought the same thing. The idea is further reinforced by the fact that one of the characters did try to kill himself at some point in the past. Thankfully, the movie stops short of becoming allegorical, as the focus is--and should be--on the shifting power dynamics within Darken. Whatever this world is, it's in turmoil. And whoever these people are, they've got some hard choices ahead.

Darken was conceived by RJ Lackie, who's vision was so big that Darken has been developed in a series. Watching the film feels a bit like watching a really good pilot, only better. Sure, there's the standard introduction of characters and a brief orientation to the world of the film, but it's satisfying in a way pilots seldom are. Probably because Lackie knows where he wants his story to go, and Darken's plot is self-contained.

Darken closed out the 2017 Blood in the Snow Film Festival, and was (clearly) one of this reviewer's favourites. And that's not just because I have a soft spot for Canadian scifi. Darken is a testament to what can be accomplished with a great idea and a fairly limited budget.

Darken was preceded by the short film Banshee, another festival highlight. In it, a young girl struggles to fall asleep, haunted by bad memories of that time she got lost in the woods. Her big sister has run out of patience, and the two strike a bargain: big sis won't tell mom and dad about little sister's drawings of monsters in the woods if she promises to go to sleep. Easier said than done because lil sis is sure something followed her home.

Incredibly atmospheric, Banshee does a great job balancing kid fears and teenaged frustration with same. The hateful older sister is so thoroughly unsympathetic you wind up hoping there is a monster in the house, so she can get what's coming to her. Childhood trauma be damned!

Once Upon a Time at Christmas 27 Nov 2017 12:54 PM (7 years ago)

Blood in the Snow Film Festival is an annual film fest held in Toronto with a mandate to support, promote, and exhibit Canadian horror, genre, and underground film.

Fake Blood 27 Nov 2017 8:52 AM (7 years ago)

Buckout Road 25 Nov 2017 6:17 AM (7 years ago)

I first learned of this movie a few weeks ago, searching the Internet for upcoming horror movies to talk about on my podcast. Back then, I kinda made fun of it but my co-host was intrigued. Thing was, I'd already heard about Buckout Road--the place--but didn't know anything about the legend. And now, I guess, I do. Turns out some of the stories they tell in the film are the real urban legends associated with Buckout Road.

The film begins, as so many do, with a lecture on the movie's subject matter. In this case, a "humanities" class discusses the nature of belief systems and the need for faith. This, of course, sets the stage for a longer musing on legends and belief. Or it would if the film followed a normal trajectory. The film's final moments take viewers in a new direction. I hesitate to call it a twist (because the actual twist happens earlier in the story), really it's more of a jarring, last-minute change of course.

Shortly after Aaron returns home to his grandfather's house, he meets Cleo. Cleo, he soon learns, suffers from bad dreams and when Aarons starts having nightmares the two decide to team up. They're joined by twin bothers Erik and Derek, who've been know to sleepwalk their way to Buckout Road. As it happens, everyone's dreams relate to some aspect of the road's legend, but what do they mean?


The answer, when it comes, is a little disappointing to tell the truth. The problem lies in the fact that the film's controlling idea is completely underwritten--hence the big left turn in the plot. At the risk of ruining the movie, I'll say only this: Buckout Road isn't haunted.

For all it's faults, the movie looks good. The characters are likable, which is a plus, and, more importantly the film doesn't waste your time. How many movies have we endured in which the characters refuse to believe what they're experiencing is real, replacing forward momentum with pointless bickering? Thankfully, Buckout Road's characters are all pragmatists. Even Aaron's psychologist grandfather knows something weird is going on, and he springs into action. And Aaron's own search for answers leads him on a personal journey during which he manages to reconcile his past.

But all this good will is shot to hell when the film inexplicably abandons its ghostly premise in favour of something far more demanding in terms of the willing suspension of disbelief. When The Diabolical pulled this stunt and switched gears at the end, it was surprising, sure, but it also made sense. Buckout Road's attempt at the cinematic bait-and-switch has no satisfying pay-off.

As a final example of how the film doesn't know how to handle its subject matter, I turn to the use of legend within the story. Partway through the film, Aaron visits a church where the priest shares with him a bit of local history and then tells him a highly abridge version of the Descent of Inanna. In the movie version, the goddess Inanna is sent to hell and when she returns she's surrounded by demons so Enki, Lord of the Earth, takes her place in hell so she can be free. The priest tells Aaron the story is known in many religions, and says the Hindu call it karma. For starters, there's nothing karmic about that story. For seconders, the original story does a much better job laying the thematic groundwork for the movie. In the actual Descent of Inanna, Inanna attempts to take over the underworld and dies in the process. She is brought back to life with Enki's help, but he doesn't set foot in the underworld. Rather, it's Inanna's husband, Dimmuz, who didn't properly mourn her death, who is forced to go below and take her place.

The thing is, there was no reason to include the Sumerian myth at all. The movie already has three real urban legends to draw from, all of which are debunked partway through the film. But, for whatever reason, the filmmakers couldn't figure out how to leverage these plot points. The fact that Buckout Road includes some truly great dream sequences specific to each urban legend only makes this whole state of affairs worse. What's the point of being able to dreamwalk through legend if it makes no difference in the waking world?

Buckout Road is a film without proper direction. Although its characters are barreling toward a conclusion, it's not the right one.

Red Spring 23 Nov 2017 7:04 PM (7 years ago)

Death Note (2017) 27 Aug 2017 6:39 AM (7 years ago)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Death Note. Except for, you know, everything.

Okay, to be fair, the film looks good (for the most part). It's well shot, properly lit, and nicely edited together, but all that style can't make up for the badly-told story that is the substance of Death Note.

I can sum up the film's problems thusly: Montauk is on the east coast.

Montauk, which is where L comes from, is a small community on Long Island. I know this because I spent a few summers there as a kid. It's a beach town, sandy and flat. The Montauk that appears in Death Note is deep in the forest, and the secret institution in which L was "born" is lies in the shadow of a mountain. Death Note was filmed in BC, and although I'm not intimately familiar with the province's geography, I'm pretty sure nowhere in BC could ever be mistaken for Long Island. And still no one thought to change this one minor plot point. The only reason L has to be from the east coast is so that Watari can waste his time traveling across the country (by train!). The clock is ticking, and Watari only has 48 hours to learn L's true name. Death Note is set in Seattle, but what the filmmakers don't understand is that it'll still take a while to get to Oregon or Idaho or the BC interior. Fuck, maybe even West Virginia--the geographic profiles are similar enough. Have any of them ever driven through the mountains? It takes time. But no, the film insists on trying to pass off west for east and this lazy oversight exemplifies why the movie--or more precisely, the story--kinda blows.

Another terribly-conceived moment comes right at the start of the film when Mia is smoking at cheerleader practice. Smoking. Even if her character did smoke (which I don't think she does because she never smokes again after this one scene), she wouldn't smoke during practice. I know I'm talking about unrealistic scenarios in a film about a magical killer book, but Death Note is set in the real world, and in this reality teens don't smoke on school property while practicing their sport.

Death Note starts off relatively strong, with the book quite literally falling out of the sky and into Light's life. He doesn't waste any time making good use of his new power, and movie hurtles along at a breakneck pace. And then everything comes to a screeching halt when L takes over the narrative. All that fun and exciting forward momentum runs up hard against L's investigation into Kira, and what could have been a tense thriller is instead a profanity-leaden PG13 drama.

Any sensible person in Light's situation would try to steer the investigation one way or the other, pitting their intellect against L's. Instead, Light lets himself get baited because this is no longer his story. To make matters worse, I'm not sure the movie itself is even aware that Light is no longer in charge. For the majority of the film's running time, Mia and L wrestle for narrative control, which is a huge problem for us because this film is really supposed to be about the moral ramifications of having power over life and death.

The whole thing comes to a head when Mia tries to strong arm Light into relinquishing the death note. One contrived chase scene later, we have our final showdown between the two teenaged lovers. Wait, what? Yeah, you read that right. The film ends not with Light and L facing off, not even with Light and Ryuk, but with a crazed girl lusting after power and her boyfriend's convoluted plan to undermine her. The film's eleventh hour attempt to give Ryuk some semblance of control over events is laughable at best. At worst, it's final proof that the filmmakers don't understand how to craft a story.

And what's with Light's hair? Either hire a blonde actor or commit to the dye job. Yeesh.

Map It! Canadian Mass Murders 24 Aug 2017 1:04 PM (7 years ago)

Canada is no stranger to crime, including spree killers and mass murders. Zoom and click on the map to learn more about mass murder in the Great White North.

Map It! Canadian Serial Killers 17 Aug 2017 3:37 AM (7 years ago)

When most people think of Canada, they think maple syrup and Mounties. And yeah, it's got a lot of both. It's also got crime. Awful, international-headline-making crime. Like that guy who cut off that poor man's head. Or the maple syrup heist of 2012.

Learn more about Canada's dark side--specifically its serial killers--by panning, zooming, and clicking on the map below.

Map It! Haunted Toronto 17 May 2017 12:58 PM (7 years ago)

I researched the top haunted sites in Toronto then plotted ten of them on a stylized map.

Explore the links below to learn more about Toronto's ghosts.

Elgin and Winter Garden Theatres
Fort York
Keg Mansion
Old Don Jail
Old City Hall
Queen's Park
Regis College (Christie House)
Royal York
St. Michael's
University College

Toronto Cons 2017 3 May 2017 8:21 PM (7 years ago)

A map of conventions taking place in Toronto this spring, summer, and fall.

Kong: Skull Island 11 Mar 2017 5:42 PM (8 years ago)

When I first saw the trailer for Kong: Skull Island, I joked about how it looked like a cross between a monster movie and Apocalypse Now. Turns out I was right on the money.

Just days after Nixon announces America's withdrawal from Vietnam, a team of researches under military escrot heads to the mysterious Skull Island in the western Pacific Ocean. Shortly after their arrival, the Landsat and Monarch scientists get to work mapping the island's geology. Their efforts raise the attention and ire of Kong, a giant gorilla who makes short work of downing the team's squadron of helicopters. Split into two groups, the survivors are on different paths: the civilians want to get off the island; the soldiers want to kill Kong.

For being a big, dumb monster movie, Kong: Skull Island is surprisingly nuanced. That's not suggest the film is at all subtle about its themes (it isn't) but it successfully captures the politics and ideology of the era. Sure, it overstates things at times--to wit, the animosity between the anti-war photographer and the commander--but the film is as much about the folly of war as it is about giant monsters.

Which brings me to Apocalypse Now and its source material, Heart of Darkness. Instead of a half-crazed army colonel, Skull Island features an obsessive lieutenant colonel, a soldier without a war. Echoes of Conrad's Marlow are found in Lt.-Col. Packard. Packard finds an enemy in Kong and insists his mission is to kill the giant primate. Packard's self-induced obsession is similar to Marlow's mild obsession with finding and meeting Kurtz.

Complicating this reading of Skull Island is the presence of a character named Marlow who's been living on the island for the past thirty years, having been marooned during WWII. This Marlow is a jovial fellow who made friends with the natives and serves as a kind of guide to the newcomers. Although he would make a fine parallel for Kurtz (minus the insanity), he welcomes the opportunity to return home, and is really nothing like his namesake.

There's also a character named Conrad. Just in case you weren't sure about the whole Heart of Darkness thing. And then there's the Japanese poster which makes it absolutely clear we're dealing an Apocalypse Now-with-monsters scenario.


If, like me, you were disappointed with Godzilla's misunderstanding of its own subject matter, you'll be pleased to hear that Skull Island knows exactly why people go to see monster movies. The human drama drives the narrative, but doesn't overshadow the monster. Indeed, Kong takes up a lot of the screen and his fights--and there are many--are easy to watch an appreciate.

Godzilla "fans" will notice a tie-in with that movie, but the real treat comes at the end of the film where, in a post-credits scene, the audience gets a taste of what's to come.

I hesitate to suggest that Skull Island is better than it has any right to be but still it's more fun and entertaining than expected. The film's second trailer, released just days before the premier, is a master class in editing and the film manages to deliver on its promise of thrilling adventure. Skull Island itself is beautiful and terrifying, and director Jordan Vogt-Roberts' patience with the camera means we get to see and experience all of the island's wonders. Moreover, the movie is violent and gross in a really satisfying way; a true creature feature.

Horror Movies as Memoirs 7 Jan 2017 1:30 PM (8 years ago)

Horror movies re-titled as inspiring memoirs and self-help books.

A Mother's Love: A tale of grief and justice

Power Compels: Healing through faith

My Life as a Doll

Wishful Thinking: Overcoming Adversity with Hope

Confessions of an Unlikely Prom Queen

Retail Therapy: How to find your peace and place in the world through consumerism

A Long, Dark Night: Making sense of senseless evil

Swimming with Sharks

Sins of Our Fathers: Learning to live with my family's secrets and lies

The OA 1 Jan 2017 7:13 PM (8 years ago)

So I'm watching The OA and it occurs to me (more than once) that I've seen something kind of like it before. After I watched the last episode I googled "movies about cults" and I wasn't at all surprised to learn the same two people who created The OA also made The Sound of My Voice in 2011.

The Sound of My Voice--the film that I kept thinking about while watching The OA--is about a woman who claims to be a time traveler, but is really just a con artist. Or is she? In it, Brit Marling plays Maggie, a cult leader who says she's from the future. Two documentarians manage infiltrate Maggie's cult but as they spend more time listening to Maggie, one of them becomes increasingly convinced she's the real deal.

In The OA, Marling is Praire, aka OA, a woman who disappeared seven years ago. Now back with her family, Prairie steals away at night to meet in secret with a small group people to whom she tells the fantastical tale of her captivity. Prairie spins a yarn about medical experimentation with near death experiences and angels, and convinces her listeners that she holds the key to transcending death.

From what I gather, people liked The OA, except for the end and in truth, the series doesn't end well. But I think that's more a factor of the series not being well paced to begin with. The OA's a bit of a slog; it starts slowly, the story isn't developed evenly over all eight episodes and when the end comes, it brings with it more questions than answers. The Sound of My Voice has similar problems, specifically with how it ends. Toward the end of the film, a question is posed to one of the documentarians but we never get to hear the answer. I believe it's because the filmmakers themselves don't know what Maggie does with the kid. Similarly, I'm not sure if Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij know exactly what happened to Prairie when she was held captive.

I'm inclined to believe her whole story was bullshit but maybe that's because I'm familiar with The Sound of My Voice, which her whole story really is bullshit. That doesn't mean the story itself isn't any less compelling, but it does mean the story requires some kind of context or backdrop to make it meaningful for the audience. Were The OA better developed, if Prairie was able to change or enrich the lives of all her acolytes, and not just one or two, despite her having told them lies, then maybe the series finale wouldn't have been such a let down.

Rooted in scifi but bordering on fantasy, The OA leans too heavily on ambiguity in its final moments, undercutting its own premise. Also, I think it kind of forgets about or looses track of some of its story elements. But then again, because Prairie never gets to finish telling her story, the series can get away with loose ends. Personally, I find this kind of sloppy, a lazy writing trick to deal with an unresolved plot. Sure, I could think up my own reasons as to why everyone had to leave their doors wide open, but that's not what I signed on for.

If asked, I'll tell people I liked half the show. Prairie's story, even if it's all made up, is really interesting. It's a good story about one man's obsession with the hereafter. But it's unfinished and that lack of closure is dissatisfying.

Year in Review: 2016 31 Dec 2016 4:34 PM (8 years ago)

So, 2016 is finally over and just to drive home the point that it wasn't the greatest year ever, most of the movies I watched over the last twelve months were either good but not great or fucking terrible. That having been said, there were some standouts on both ends of the specturm.

Things that make you go hmm: Amanda Knox
Eye-opening documentary about a young woman relentlessly persecuted for a crime she didn't commit.
Things that make you huh: The Phoenix Incident
Irritating mockumentary about four dudes who "went missing" but were really eaten by aliens and no one noticed even though it's all caught on tape.

Much-needed: Train to Busan
The South Koreans inject some new life in the tired zombpocalypse subgenre.
Unnecessary: Cabin Fever
An even worse remake of an already terrible film.


Intense: The Green Room
A punk band is under seige by neo Nazis, inside the skinheads' bar! Some of the best, if brief, gore effects.
Pretense: #horror
A terrible anti-bullying movie marketed as a horror film.

Success!: The Belko Experiment
Fun and tense Battle Royale-style free-for-all inside an office building.
Total failure: Suicide Squad
DC once again fails to get its shit together regarding the CU.

About time!: Deadpool
Ryan Renolds spent years trying to get this movie made, and it totally paid off!
Shoulda kept not seeing it: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2
Half new footage, half flash back, all crap.

Yay: The Wave
Disaster movie done right
Nay: Assassin's Creed
Videogame movie done wrong.

Everybody loves a clown: Clown
The best murderous evil clown movie to come along in a while.
Not be confused with a better British movie: Exeter
Marcus Nispel deals with his daddy issues.

For kids of all ages: The Witches
A Roald Dhal classic brought to life, but not in a creepy CGI kind of way.
For no one of any age: The Boy
A weird kid burns down a motel and it's SO BORING.

Omg wow: Nova Seed
Amazing labour-of-love scifi animated feature.
Omg: The Brain
Terrible bit of Canadiana about a giant brain.

Honourable mentions:
Phantom of the Paradise
I honestly don't know if it's good or bad, but I loved it anyhow.
Future Cops
Police from the future travel to the present for reasons. Began life as a live-action Street Fighter.

Horror by the Numbers 25 Nov 2016 9:20 AM (8 years ago)

The summer of 2016 saw a "resurgence" in horror, meaning a handful of studio horror films managed to garner positive reviews from critics. Whenever this happens, the mainstream media reports on mainstream horror like it's surprising or new. The fact of the matter is, horror always makes money (generally speaking), but it is unusual for mainstream horror to perform well both critically and financially.

I took a look at some of the horror releases of 2016 to see if there was anything else worth reporting.

At first glace, we can see that my Y-axes aren't properly formatted. That minor error aside, it's still obvious that horror movies make money. What might surprise some folks is that the smaller-budget films out-perform their more expensive counterparts. And while critics and audiences tend to agree on the films' merit, a movie's budget and box office aren't good indicators of critical reception. Crimson Peak, which cost more money than it earned, wasn't well liked, whereas The Witch completely outdid itself--and had a limited release.

More often than not, a film's budget is not a good indicator of how well it will perform. Crimson Peak, the most expensive film in the sample, did not meet expectations, pulling in $31m--that's a little over half its budget. On the flip side, Unfriended, which was in theatres for the same amount of time, made its budget 32 times over. Having seen both, it is my opinion that Crimson Peak is a better movie than Unfriended, but the latter is more likely to cater to younger audience members, even if most people who saw it don't appear to have liked it very much.

How important are the audience and critical response, and what impact do they have on a film's gross? That's a hard question to answer. As was mentioned above, there appears to be some correlation between reception and box office (better-reviewed films earn more money), but The Gallows, which wasn't well liked by critics or audience members, was still a financial success.

Movies with a longer theatrical run have the potential to rake in a higher gross than films with a short run or a limited release, but The Conjuring 2, The Visit, and Poltergeist, all of which were in theatres for 77 days, performed very differently. The Conjuring 2 earned 2.5 times more than its budget, The Visit a whopping 13 times more, and Poltergeist only made an embarrassing 1.3. Looking at the films' reviews, we see that Poltergeist--which performed the worst of the three--also had the lowest ratings at 31 and 22 from critics and audience members respectively, whereas The Conjuring 2, which didn't have the highest turn-around on its budget, had the highest ratings, scoring in the 80s.

Toronto After Dark Film Festival 2016 13 Oct 2016 8:36 AM (8 years ago)

It's baaack! The Toronto After Dark Film Festival returns for its 11th year. The fun begins tonight and kicks off with Under the Shadow and Trash Fire. As to what I'm most looking forward to this year:

Under the Shadow
Because I can't resist any movie that's billed as "the scariest film ever." We'll see about that.

The Lure
A Polish horror musical about a man-eating mermaid? Come on.



Train to Busan
Normally, I don't get excited about zombie movies, but this one got rave reviews and I've enjoyed past zombie nights at TADFF.


The Stakelander
Although I'm usually wary of sequels, I'm curious to see how this one turns out. I really liked Stakeland, so here's hoping for more of the same. There's no trailer, so here's a short video announcing the sequel.


The Void
I backed this one on Kickstarter so of course I'm super keen to see it!


Bed of the Dead
In truth, I'm not looking forward to it in the sense that I'm excited to see it. Rather, I mentioned this film on TheAvod when discussing upcoming horror movies, and thought it sounded kind of, well, dumb. It reminded me a bit of Death Bed, The Bed that Eats, which is a famously terrible film, but the synopsis on the TADFF website paints a different picture. Still might be dumb.

Trailer Review: Ouija: Origin of Evil 13 Sep 2016 4:41 PM (8 years ago)

For starters, I've now seen every scare in the movie. For seconders, I've now seen the whole movie.

Capitalizing on the success of other horror movies set in the 1960s and 70s, the good people behind 2014's paint-by-numbers teen horror romp Ouija have made good on their threat to spoon feed us more PG-13 tripe.

Set forty years too late, a family of spiritualists use a Ouija board to scam their clients. Upset by the family's perfidy, a cadre of ghosts take it upon themselves to teach the deceitful women a lesson they won't soon forget. Taking a page from Poltergeist, the ghosts possess the youngest daughter, but no one notices because she was already evil to begin with. Calling in a priest to help with the situation only makes things worse, and introduces an Exorcist vibe to the proceedings. Also, someone on the production really likes the film Skeleton Crew (not the Stephen King one), and has seen one too many films about a funeral parlor-cum-family home. In the end the evil is defeated, sort of, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except for the debilitating emotional trauma of having survived a ghost attack.

Suicide Squad 16 Aug 2016 5:15 PM (8 years ago)

To  Amanda Waller
Subject  Re: Task Force X Review and Assessment

Details

Ms Waller proposed to organize a "team of very bad people who could do some good." Founded upon the supposed future threat of a metahuman whose ideologies run counter to our own, it is Ms. Waller's opinion that a task force of villains could be assembled to counter such a threat. (See Note 1)

After Ms Waller and her colleague, Sgt. Rick Flag, failed to maintain command and control of Enchantress, a metahuman who inhabits the body of Dr. June Moone, Ms. Waller proceeded with her plans to assemble and dispatch Task Force X. The task force's sole purpose was to extract a High Value Target (See Note 2) within Midway City; it was not to engage with Enchantress nor eliminate her. (See Note 3)

Task Force X did successfully locate Ms. Waller but their extraction plan was co-opted by Joker. This review board does not believe Ms. Waller had any reason to expect or anticipate Joker's actions, but is dissatisfied with her handling of the situation. This board sees no benefit in ordering the execution of Harley Quinn, and believes it to be a tactical error. Ms. Quinn's death would only raise the ire of Joker, and would have likely resulted in a second assault on Ms. Waller and Task Force X. The fact that Joker's helicopter was shot down does not forgive Ms Waller her error in judgement. (See Note 4)

No longer able to complete their mission, Task Force X took it upon themselves to engage Enchantress. Both Enchantress and her brother were destroyed, and Dr. Moone was returned to her original state. Although Task Force X proved victorious, it was due largely to luck and circumstance than to any strategic advantage the task force may have possessed. (See Note 5)

Final Assessment

This review board believes Ms. Waller acted in her own best interests when she deployed Task Force X. In addition, the board finds Ms. Waller put Sgt. Flag and his team in danger when she 1) failed to gather vital intel related to Enchantress' defenses, and 2) failed to act on new intel gathered in the field.

It is the board's recommendation that in the future a direct and specific need for Task Force X be established before the task force is assembled. This is to ensure the team members possess the proper skills and abilities to see their mission through.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Note 1

At no point does Ms. Waller address the issue of weather a group of villainous metahumans could, in fact, win a fight against an "evil" Superman. Superman is not human, and his strength and abilities are far superior to any known superhero or supervillain.

Note 2

Ms. Waller herself was the HVT that needed extraction.

Note 3

Ms. Waller specifically stated Task Force X would be created in order to deal with metahuman/superhuman threats to the United States' (and by extension, the world's) peace and security and/or to support the United States' efforts to combat terrorism. Ms. Waller provided an example of the proposed task force's benefit by using Enchantress to retrieve highly classified military documents from a foreign adversary.

The committee was impressed with Enchantress' abilities, but was dismayed by her unwillingness to withdraw and allow Dr. Moone to regain control of her body. Ms Waller displayed her ability to control Enchantress by stabbing her in her heart, which she keeps in a secure briefcase.

Note 4

Ms. Waller showed further errors in judgment when she called for a second helicopter. This review board believes that, after having witnessed the attack on Joker's helicopter, Ms Waller should have ordered a ground retreat. Such action would have, at the very least, forestalled Enchantress' attempts to capture Ms. Waller. By not ordering a ground retreat, Ms. Waller put herself, the United States, and the world in danger.

Note 5

The full extent of Enchantress' and her brother's powers were, and still are unknown. It is only happenstance that El Diablo was both present and able to fight the brother. Since Task Force X was assembled to counter metahuman threats in the abstract, there was no guarantee the members of the task force would be able to surmount any threats in reality. Harley Quinn and Captain Boomerang provide no tactical advantage. Killer Croc proved to be a valuable team member, but Ms. Waller had no intention of attaching him to the underwater unit; Killer Croc took it upon himself to assist the underwater unit in their retrieval and detonation of an explosive device.

El Diablo proved to be, far and away, the most important member of Task Force X, but it was nothing short of pure luck that his special abilities were essential in securing a positive outcome. Since Ms. Waller did not know Enchantress' brother was a fire god, and she had no way of knowing El Diablo's pyrokinesis could manifest to such an extent that he would also become like a god, El Diablo's appointment to Task Force X and his subsequent victorious battle with Enchantress' brother is fortunate indeed.

It is of further note that El Diablo had outright refused to join the task force when asked, and that, while on mission, he continually refused to assist his team members. Despite his success, this board finds his appointment to Task Force X was an unnecessary risk which put the entire mission in danger.

Unpopular Opinion: Zack Snyder is a Whiner 13 Jul 2016 11:36 AM (8 years ago)

Not too long ago, this article appeared in The Atlantic. In it, the author explains how the upcoming Justice League movie will be much lighter than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I never saw BvS, but I (as is my right, being a wag on the Internet) still have an opinion about it and its maker, Zack Snyder. The Atlantic article states that Snyder will endeavour to make Justice League more fun:

...Snyder seems to be directly responding to cricism by promising audiences more fun... [T]he Snyders are trying to sell the sense that Justice League will learn from its predecessors' mistakes, tapping more into the joyful spirit of the hugely successful Marvel movies.

That's all well and good, but let's take a moment to read a bit deeper into the narrative. On the surface, we see a man forced to come to terms with the fact that no one likes his version of the DC universe.

[I]n interviews about Batman v Superman, [Snynder] described that film's summary execution of its Jimmy Olsen character as the movie "having fun," which sums up both the film's oppressive bleakness and its creator's total misread of its audience. [...] "When [Batman v Superman] came out, it was like, 'Wow, off.' It did catch me off guard." Of the film's sequel, he told Vulture, "I have had to, in my mind, make an adjustment. I do think the tone of Justice League has changed because of what the fans have said."

This is a perfect example of how powerful are the meek. DC's fanbase was so outraged by BvS and the critical reviews were so overwhelmingly negative, that Snyder is now forced to do something about it. But are his efforts sincere? Does he even understand why his movie failed? Reading between the lines, it almost seems like Snyder is whining about having to cowtow to fan (and studio) pressure.

And if it's true, if Snyder is little more than a whiny brat, can we really blame him for getting upset about people getting upset at his movie? Of course we can. But he's in the unenviable position of having to account for his mistakes--no one likes to hear they've done a bad job--and it's largely Hollywood's fault that he's in this mess to begin with.

Zack Snyder is, more or less, an auteur. He's the primary (or only) creative force driving the movie, calling the shots on the film's look and feel and theme so that his movie reflects his personal creative vision. But here's the thing, Hollywood doesn't really like auteurs, not anymore. It wasn't always this way, of course. In the 1970s, the "new" Hollywood courted auteurs and these filmmakers were a driving force behind the Hollywood Renaissance. The love affair with auteurs petered out toward the end of the decade, although guys who'd made their bones in the latter half of the '70s were still doted upon in the '80s. The turn away from auteurship resulted in a new "theory" of collaboration, that film is a product of cooperative teamwork, the unspoken truth being that studios were getting ever more involved in different parts of the process.

There's an inherent hypocrisy in the way Hollywood today deals name brand filmmakers. On the one hand, studios rally against auteurs by meddling, manipulating, or micromanaging their projects, while on the other hand, they court certain directors specifically because their movies have a particular stylistic appeal.

In an interview with Movieline, John Woo spoke about the challenge of working in the American studio system:

In Hollywood it takes a much longer time [than in China] to set up a project. You have to take so many notes and so many meetings! But in China, they all want to make a good movie. I just walk into their offices and let them know I want to make a movie [...] I never need to take new meetings or notes from anyone. I just do what I want. So that's a little more simple. That's a big difference from Hollywood.

Of course, John Woo might experience more creative freedom than others, but his words nevertheless describe a system that's obsessed with control and in which everyone wants a piece of the pie. And still Hollywood pursues directors who've made a name for themselves as auteurs, hoping to strike gold. When they produce successful films, these auteurs are celebrated. When their movie flops, they're reigned in and locked down. There's no middle ground.

Snyder was hired on to "set the tone" for DC's new franchise and Man of Steel was reasonably well received, so he kept at it with, it appears, little oversight from Warner Bros or DC. What everyone failed to realize is that Snyder's "visionary" director status was meant to be taken literally. Look at Sucker Punch and 300: all spectacle with just enough story to tie all those dazzling set-pieces together. BvS is what happens when you hire a guy who doesn't fully understand narrative to make you a movie that relies heavily on story in order to drive the action that appears on screen. Never mind the fact that one of the writers, David Goyer, once dismissed the idea of a Batman vs Superman movie as "where you go when you admit to yourself you've exhausted all possibilities."

Hitman: Agent 47 13 Jun 2016 7:49 PM (8 years ago)

Some of the thoughts that flitted through my brain while watching Hitman: Agent 47:

Ha! This prologue makes no sense. "Man can only wage war. So we built super assassins." For what purpose? To stop war or to be the best at it?

Wait, I thought the Agents worked for the Syndicate.

I guess they're free agents? And Diana is Agent 47's agent?

Who puts out these contracts?

Is 47 the good guy or the bad guy? I feel like he's supposed to be the good guy but everything he's done so far makes him seem like the bad guy.

Zachary Quinto is the good guy.

Zachary Quinto is the bad guy. 

This movie has structure problems.

Biogenetics. Not to be confused with non-biological genetics.

Where have I seen Dominic Friend before? This is driving me nuts.

Omigod, is everyone in this movie a hitman?

Yes. Yes, they are.

You know, the whole "you're locked in here with me" thing loses its punch when it's repeated back and forth like that.

Now Diana's talking to someone else? Is she also a free agent? A freelance free Agent agent?

You know what this movie needs? A training montage.

If all the hitmen are so smart, how come no one's been able to figure out where this dude is? They can track a woman through CCTV based on her earlobe, but they can't find an old white man in Singapore?

Holy crap, I hope that garden is a real place is real because I need to go there.

I don't really see the point of having a video phone in your desk. That's got to be the least flattering angle there is.

Where the hell is the other Agent? I'm sitting here, waiting for the mysterious other hitman to show up and he refuses to appear. Did the movie forget about him? I feel like the movie forgot about him. I really hope it's Timothy Olyphant.

Oh, don't give me that "you are what you do" bullshit. What he does is kill people. Ergo, he's a hitman.

I'm mildly impressed by this fight.

I'm less impressed by this denouement. Who called in this hit, exactly?

And who the fuck is that??

Terrible Moments in Taglining 18 May 2016 5:53 PM (8 years ago)

"Putting the tea back in terror."

If this movie is putting the tea back, that would suggest there was a time when tea was ubiquitous in horror movies, as some kind of fixture or genre trope. Then filmmakers turned away from tea, perhaps dabbling in coffee or even pop. But now these guys are going back to horror's roots, and infusing their nazi zombie movie with a strong peppermint.

Terrible Moments in Taglining 3 May 2016 6:42 AM (8 years ago)

"Evil is only skin deep."

So we've got nothing to worry about from this guy.