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U.S. Celebrates Independence By Destroying Earth, Settling On Moon 5 Jul 2012 | 11:41 pm
THE MOON—The United States of America commemorated its national independence by colonizing the moon and laying waste to Planet Earth. “For too long Planet Earth and its denizens have infringed on the...
Lebron James Tests Negative For Marijuana, Stripped Of MVP 2 Jul 2012 | 11:21 pm
In a shocking and still-developing story, the National Basketball Association has officially announced that the league’s reigning Most Valuable Player, LeBron James of the Miami Heat, has tested nega...
Kidnappers Severely Overestimate Value Of San Diego Man 2 Jul 2012 | 02:59 am
SAN DIEGO, CA— It has been more than 30 days since Trevor Wallace was kidnapped by a gang of Mexican anarchists, but he is no closer to returning home as negations with his family have again stalled. ...
Archaeologists Uncover Rare Ceramic Bust From Lionel Richie’s “Hello” Era 29 Jun 2012 | 11:10 pm
MORONGO VALLEY, CA—USC archaeology students on a routine expedition turned up an exciting new discovery earlier this week in the desert east of Los Angeles. A rare ceramic bust of pop singer Lionel Ri...
Notorious B.I.G. Appears As Water Stain In Gourmet Deli 28 Jun 2012 | 11:01 pm
BEDFORD-STUYVESANT, BROOKLYN—Early this morning, Gourmet Deli owner Haashim Behari discovered a water stain in the likeness of Biggie Smalls, created after a broken pipe leaked against the back wall o...
Romney Casually Reveals That The Carpet Matches The Drapes 26 Jun 2012 | 01:52 am
In a GQ interview last week covering his style and trademark look, Republican nominee Mitt Romney revealed that his pubes match his head of hair. According to the former governor, every follicle on h...
Boyfriend Dumps Adele to Help Her Overcome Writer’s Block 25 Jun 2012 | 07:13 am
LONDON—Adele promised that her next album will be out by the end of the year shortly after it was announced that her boyfriend broke up with her. The Grammy-award winning singer had been struggling w...
Bono Holds Concert To Raise Awareness About Mistreatment In Alpha Centauri 21 Jun 2012 | 05:11 am
LONDON—U2 front man and sunglasses aficionado Bono held a benefit concert at Wembley Stadium yesterday to raise awareness of victims affected by poverty and abuse in the Alpha Centauri binary star sys...
Michigan Abortion Bill Deftly Avoids Word “Vagina” 18 Jun 2012 | 11:18 pm
LANSING, MI—Pro-life Republicans in the Michigan state legislature are celebrating their victory in pushing through HB 4433, the Trans-Hoo-Ha Ultrasound Requirement Bill. The bill, which would require...
Parents Create Kickstarter To Get Unemployed Son Out Of House 15 Jun 2012 | 11:16 pm
PHILLIPSBURG, NJ–Dave and Lisa Goodwin have started a Kickstarter campaign to help raise enough money to kick their son Tanner out of their house. “Listen, we love our son but it’s time for him to le...